Baby Boo is FINALLY Happy's blog: "Epiphany!"

Tick Tock. Tick Tock. Its Saturday. All I hear is the random squeals of a 4 year old doing what she knows she shouldnt, the obnoxiously loud noises coming from Jason, and some Disney movie playing its "im so happy to be alive music'. I continue to just sit and stare at this screen. Trying to push out any thought I may have thought today, I stumble online, surfing my random accounts and half assin my way thru random messages and bull shittin my replies back. Of course things are fine. Just wonderful. In fact, at this moment I am not sure there is really anything that could be better for me. This ever tightenin knot curls around my insides and starts to literally squeeze the air out of me. My only reasoning thought of why it is what it is...The only real solid explanation... LOVE. Its stupidly annoying when all you can think of is that other person and there are days when you really wish you could be selfish. Yet, love pulls you into this ackward position. All you do is totally for that other person. While maintainin my own image it seems I have solely become this woman whos life is lived for someone else. Eh. Can't explain to those who've never been there. But anyway. Here I am. This is what is currently puzzling my confusion. I am not complaining tho. I love Jason dearly. The fact that he has done and will continue to do for me and Rhondalynn is enough to keep me doing for him. Blah. Have a Great Day Peoples!

I think maybe before I explode I must clarify myself to those around me. Recent volumes of stress have taken a rather large part of me. Yes, my attitude has been nasty. My comments lack compassion. My eyes carry a spark that will not leave you feeling joy. My stiff stature and saddened composure has been hindering most of you guys from really getting close. I apologize for hurt feelings but you cant deny honesty! LOL!!! Its been ONE month since I have become committed to Jason. Hes my world. There is no denying my love for him. BUT! I find myself pushing him outta my mind and outta my way when I should be embracing him and letting him support me the way I know he can. Im sure at times hes really confused and may doubt my love for him. Why must my most valued be the ones to take my blows? GRRR! Hes the most amazing man and yet! I don't let him in....SIGH! ANYWAYZ! Im suppose to start school on November 6th...NOT sure if thats all happening as planned. We'll have to hurry up and WAIT. UGH!! My daughter...Rhonny. Turns 4 on Friday. And I absolutely hate hate hate it! Yes its wonderful that they grow up. But not so wonderful for me right now. Why must they lose that baby-ness when becoming a child? GRR! Shes so incredibly intelligent. Its too bad that her father aka the sperm donor cant be around to see her become the beautiful young lady that she is. I am, on the other hand, greatly appreciative of the men she does have in her life. Ian...steady stable figure in her and my life... Jason...the love that keeps me ticking... Neil...the step dad that treats me as his own...and her too! ANywayZ! Im outtie. Things to do...stress to manage... Mwa Baby B!

Just another myspace blog from today....MWA! Call this what you feel seems fit in ur mostly judgmental lil world. I need to protrude honesty forth from my fingertips to this god damn website where the people whos life has become centered around myspace communication can fester their thoughts into my personal feelings. Right now. At this moment. I am above beyond below and bottom out tired. OBSCENELY exhausted. Immensely overwhelmed and dip fried into stress. A year ago I took a trip. Removed myself from this sick twisted infested lil town of drama and insult. I went out in search of my own survival. I was sitting here in this same spot a year ago covered in my own sweat and tears trying to stand up against the demons. I was so far down I didnt think there was a way I could ever be set free. I was drowning. I broke away and found this person who was hidden so deep within myself that still today my own blood doesnt recognize the woman ive become. After the time I spent away, I recaptured my strength, wisdom, pride, independance, and dignity. I found self esteem and worth. Most of all I found identity. I realized my greatest calling as a human being will always be a mother to my daughter! I realized the past must always stay the past for me to continue building my future. I realized i had to let go of what was to find a fresh beginning for me and Rhondalynn. I think I am mostly misunderstood by many of those that do know me. They see the person I was. Fortunately, there is absolutely positivily nothing the same about me. I dont party the same. I dont drink so hard. I smoke twice as much. I layer my clothes to hide my mommy bulge. I buy shoes becuz its the only thing that will always fit me the same. My makeup is never blue or purple. I dont tease my hair. I probably look like a mom...a mom gone retro. LOL! I don't start fights. And I can't gossip. I dont give attention to drama. The most important thing that is NOT the same are the feelings I had towards all of you at that point my life. The ones I allowed to take full advantage of me...the ones I so so 'loved'....I most definately almost positivily HATE you now. The ones I led along like lost puppies...I used to LOVE control. HUGE control freak. Now. I don't find pleasure in ur weak company. Stand up and be ur damn selves without me tellin you what to do. And then there was those friends that I kept around become they were...ugly. Yes. They made me look better....LOL. Im sorry bout you can take that nappy hair and nasty face away now....hahahahhahaha. I could probably ramble on forever. But the point is. I am not the same person. If you liked her then. Loved her then. You can't possibly feel the same now. Totally impossible. Time changes and heals. Im still the girl that will be friends with anyone...anything. But I am not still the girl who flashes traffic and throws beer cans out the car window. I am not the girl who will get high and drop her pants and her dignity. And I am most definately not the girl you thought loved you then. That girl that loved you then....LOVED games. LOVED control. Sowwy. SO blah. I dunno. Im moody. Im tired. I need sleep.

Most of my life has been comparable to this never ending, god awful, wish it never existed, carnival ride, that our parents always think we love, and will forever force us to get on, until that ONE day when we are at an extreme breaking point or dammit we are now legal adults! BLAH! OR for you retards that live in a box. My life is that big ol' muddy river we all like to look at. Sometimes we hop into a huge banana looking aluminum tub and pretend to be catching fish in the vasteness of water. Other times we lay out in huge sand box where the cancer causing UV rays pentrate our skin as we conversate with less than average intelligence while boasting about our high tolerance to alcohol and how we may quit smoking next week if something stupidly stressful doesnt happen. WHICH by the way...something stupidly stressful will ALWAYS happen when we expect it. BUT anyway. Here I am rambling about something you are most likely clueless about. MY life. Well. Its twisting me around, tossing my hair, and showering me with mist as it quietly dismounts me on to the shore each night. As I lay there exhausted and trying to figure out just how the hell i am where I am, a small creature with eyes as glossy as my own look lovingly with curiousity at me and ask? but why mommy? but why? That is exactly my question! Well maybe not really the same. I do know WHY we need to go to bed. But I don't know why I continue to pit myself against myself each and every living day. What is it that makes me defend my own right to succeed? The chaos of setting achievable goals has caused the next largest hurricane to spin my frequently lost mind into total self destructive paths. And really...the problem that which ails me is yet to be clearly stated as i frequently get lost in a tangle of words...and still yet, this problem is not even close to being a catastrophy. Am I worth rising above when everyone else is waitin for the shot to kill my hope? Can I really move ahead with someone pulling me down and out? AHHH! It is something we shall wait to see. As I breathe a deep sigh of nicotine polluted air and step back into a house where a toddler screams and a dog barks and the never ending desperation of telemarketers steadily ring, I am quite content with saying yes, this is my life.

If your a myspace dork...and follow my blogs it'll be pointless to read my LC blogs...cuz for awhile Im just goin to repost...blah blah...mwa mwa! Luv yall...missing most of yall.... Everyday. I approach life with an openness. Never afraid of meeting new people EXCEPT for the one that will own my heart. Now stop. Reread that statement. NEVER afraid of meeting NEW people.....EXCEPT....for the ONE....that will OWN my HEART......What does that say to you? How do you read that out loud and fully grasp those words...YOU DON'T...unless you are feeling the same. Unless you have felt the same. We have to share that common denominator for you to understand how strong that statement is.... With that fear overwhelming our hearts we may have overlooked that one that was meant to be... With that fear I am held captive only to myself, with myself... I have had the time to talk to a few of you in the last 24 hours...I have yet to reach out to some...but I'm hoping you will know how much I care about you and will realize this is also for you if I have not called you to converse... In my habitual lifestyle, I have noticed a repetitive pattern...When I get close to someone. When I start to share myself with another. When I open my mind for someone to indulge in. When I talk of my desires, dreams...hopes. I immediately notice my vulnerablity and start to push away those I care most deeply for. Which could be you....When I begin to do so, too many let me slip away...but I am asking this only once...if you find yourself in that position, and if you care about me at all, will you just pull me in? when I push...will you hold on? It's time for me to find out who really counts....who really matters. What is fact and what is fiction...I do not intentionally tear myself away...It's a defense I have mastered...It's time to lose it. IF I was or IF I have found that one to own my heart...their DOOM will be my defense...and I will or have possibly lost something that could have been....magic.