People are strange creatures. The human kind is made to live in groups. But sometimes we forget we are individuals. As a matter of fact, when it comes to it, we are alone. Everybody has the task to take care of him- or herself and to grow in life, learn their lessons and find their true self. But what I see is a big blur of people and it's like there is no you, me, him or her, only us and them. And that is where the unnecessary hurting starts, because if you and me are really one person, you can easily hurt me. And because you are hurting me, you hurt yourself. Do you see my point? Of course, we all get hurt sometimes, but that's part of life. It makes us grow to become a whole person.
I see it this way: we all have our own world that we've created in our lifes, with our own feelings, emotions, memories, believes and convictions. My world ends where yours begins and we share a lot, but not all. Because my world is mine and yours is yours.
Now, when someone is saying something to me that can be offending in any way, I immediatly ask myself, is that his or is it mine. If I don't know it at that point I start asking questions to find out, without getting upset in any kind. If it's his I don't have to do anything with it and if it's mine I can think about it to change it or to do something else with it. It can be something for the both of us, but then I have to take responsibility for only my part.
Let me try to explain it with an example.
One night I was in a bar with some friends. And we were talking about really fat people. One of my friends, who was also there, is really fat, but I don't see her that way. I said something that offended her, no... it hurt her, because this remark I made was on top of something else that happened to her and it was also related to that subject. I didn't realize that I hurt her. Because of this remark she thought it made no sense at all that I was her friend. A few days later she came to me and told me that I hurt her by saying that. And of course that's no fun to hear, but I've heard it. At that point I could see her problem and I could see where I went wrong. I've explained her why I said what I said and told her how I see her and that I love her just the way she is. After that she told me the story that happened to her before and she asked me to take her feelings into consideration when it comes to remarks like that. And of course I said yes, she is my friend after all. But the being fat part and having problems with that is something of her world, not mine. I don't have to do anything with that. I can be there for her when she wants to talk and I will listen. I can help her in trying to give her a new perspective on looking at her problems and I can stimulate her to think differently.
By the way, she thinks the same way as I do about living in your own world and taking responsibility for that. If that wasn't the case, she would have been upset and mad when I made that remark in the bar. She would have gone crazy and reacted on her first impuls. She would yell: "What are you saying! I am fat. How can you say such a thing. You could have thought about my feelings. Why do you even bother to be my friend?" And as a reaction to that, I would have been upset and hurt: "Yeah, you are fat, but I wasn't talking about you. Why are you yelling at me, the others were talking about it too." And as you can see, there will be an escalation, because we will hurt eachother unintentionally to defend our own little world.
This is when I hurt people. When others say things to me, I always think that these words are from his or her world. It has nothing to do with me. It's their point of view and there is nothing wrong with different point of views, it's makes the world interesting.
But of course, people can hurt me, and when they do, I have to start looking at myself, because when I get hurt there must be an issue in my world that hasn't been solved yet. It's not that I have to take every shit that others say to me. So when I feel I have to say something about that, I do. But not on my first impulse and always with the picture of the other's world in the back of my mind. I try to see their point of view, but I will surely tell mine. Like my friend asked me to take her feelings into consideration, I can ask that of others as well.
Now, what I see, and let me say it again: is my point of view, is that you are floating on the waves of emotions that really are someone else's. When someone is sad, the other is sad too (feeling the same emotions). When someone is upset, the other thinks it's his or her fault (making the emotions personal and by doing that making the problem yours). When someone's saying something to the other, it can be taken as an attack or a slap in the face. When someone is in trouble, the other will be mad or wants to do something bad.
I find it hard sometimes to tell you things that are on my mind, because you step right into my world and go with my flow. And what I really need at that point is someone that listens, who can feel with me without absorbing this feelings or make them personal. These are my feelings and I like them to stay mine. I want to share them with you, to let you know what's going on in my world or to get your opinion on the matter so I can think about it and grow.
Oh yes, one can step into someone's world, like I did when Lisa had trouble with Richard that one day and I saw something that made me very sad. I've cried for Lisa. And that's a good thing too. That is what friendship is about, to laugh and cry with each other. But I also stepped out of her world again, because there is no use for me at all in being sad for a longer period of time then necessary. Not for me and not for her. If I stayed sad, then Lisa would have another problem along with the problem she already had: she made a friend sad with her problems.
I know Lisa doesn't want to tell me stuff like this anymore, because it could make me sad, but I'm not afraid of being sad and it's not like I will drown in my tears, because I can see that it's her problem, not mine. But I can and want to have compassion for all of you and that is where our worlds meet.
I can't tell you how to live your lives, that's totally up to you. I only hope I can give you another perspective on it and that you will think about it. Emotions are always good, but you have to try to use them and not letting them rule your life.
I see the world as one big playground where I can try things and experiment. I don't take life itself to serious and I don't take myself to serious. But I take every person that plays a part in my life very serious. That makes living fun, even when it's not funny. I like to explore the deeper emotions, to look at them, feel them and try to find out what they mean, why they are there. What they do to me and how I can implement them as a part of me. I embrace all feelings, good and bad, because I need both of them to live a happy life. One needs the dephts of sadness to find a higher mountain of happiness.
