patrick90's blog: "Emotional Angst"

I am writing this blog, assuming noone will ever read it. This just a place for mee to bounce some crazy thoughts floating around in my head. There is no structure, just a blast of thoughts. Feel free to comment, criticize, or if you want to discuss the "mysteries" of life, let me know.

It was two year ago that I was in college studying science and mathematics. I wish that I could have stayed in school, but unfortunately I suffer from the problem that so many of us struggle from... Lack of money. I had to drop out. At the time I wasn't even sure that I wanted to stay in school. At the time I was experimenting heavily with drugs, and smoking two packs of cigarettes, and drinking heavily. Yet I could easily scrape through classes without studying. Especially in Calculus, and Chemistry. I was unsatisfied with my life. I was at the time a Christian, perhaps not a very good Christian(non denominational), but I know the bible pretty well. I came from a moderately wealthy, conservative family. My father could have been a CEO if he had wanted to. My parents could of payed for my schooling if I had worked harder in high school the said... Still graduated with honors.

Growing up I had the time to study the bible alongside my father. I found the stories interesting. And while my father is a devout christian, I was only ever a luke warm one. I was baptized at 18. Yet a year later I was disavowing my faith. I guess I never believed. I always placed stock on what I could see.

While I was in High School, I was a ferocious reader. My senior year my English teacher took a liking to me because of this. She gave me books to read. I remember reading Waiting for Godot, by Samuel Beckett, Crime and Punishment, The Fountain head, and more in my free time. I was still so ignorant at the time about life. I had yet to have a girlfriend or know a woman. I guess my head was in the clouds. The books were frightening. I had never been exposed to such dangerous ideas, and they awakened something in me. Ideas and truth can be corrupting to those who are unprepared for it.

I was working as a Barista to pay for my car, and to save for school, when I first fell in love with a girl. Or you can say I fell in love with the idea of her. I was 17 and she was 18. We became friends, and she never saw me as anything else. I don't blame her. At the time I was given over to existential angst due to having my walls crumble around me with the awakening of new thoughts. I was broke from buying books everyweek to read. I had no money to go out with her. Whenever we did hang out I was a wet blanket, always constantly brooding, and thinking. Never able to give her what she wanted.

When I went down for college I was lonely, and unsure of myself. I could hardly think straight. I ended up finishing the first semester failng one of my classes due to the fact that I had no interest in going, and missed my final. I guess part of it had to do with the fact that I was busy pursuing what I though was important. Sex, drugs, and Rock & Roll. Mainly Drugs. I did them because they made me feel better, and I liked that. I almost OD'd one night. I had health problems, I had to visit the ER. I got better, and started doing them again.

I began seeing a girl until she broke up with me because of my addiction. It was good while it lasted. She was a temporary shelter from the storm. We had sex, laughed, swore we loved each other, and enjoyed hanging out together.

During my second semester I went out on a date with a girl I had been seeing, to go see No Exit by Sartre. It was such a depressing play, after it the girl broke up with me. I found another girl, she enjoyed talking to me. She laughed when I made jokes, we went for walks, and discussed life. I loved her because she was my shelter from the storm. I kissed her, and she liked it. And I liked her. I finished my second semester, and didn't go back. I never talked to her again, and I moved to SLC, UT.

I now work like a dog, and make a pittance. I am filled with so much painful memories, and feelings. I read, and I think. I am poor, and I wish to go back to school. I have made so many mistakes. I ask myself does it matter? I threw away my religion, abandoned my past, and I have nothing. No past, no future, no tomorrow. There is only blood sputum and sorrow. Every day I think of life and how it could be better. I say to myself, " I don't know." about 50 times a day. My mind is constantly racing.

How many people are unsatisfied with life? With who they are? Unsatisfied with where they are?

It doesn't have to be this way... I think.

This is the first thing I have written in forever. I just had to spit it out.