dusk's blog: "Dusk"

All of your bitterness, gathered like wet wood in a dark and foreboding forest, falls across me with the desired effects. Sweeping in eddies and undertows, it blows over my downcast self as an angry storm over low lying ground. I'm not permitted to speak, not permitted to disagree, but as you rant and froth with the fevered pitch of a rabid dog, my 'other' self moves on, away and onward. Spittle wets my face and I make no move to wipe your hate away, suddenly elsewhere in my mind's eye, standing silently in the bedroom that we share, watching as you sleep. I see you. You're peaceful here, right now, asleep and spent of all traces of anger and annoyance of everything I say and do and think. I see you. You're a child. Tantrums and spitting fits, perfected over a lifetime of immature musings, dwell deep within you, buried from sight but always ready to erupt to devastate the landscape. The heat of your infantile madness sometimes boils from you like bubbling pits of foul mud, washing over everything unwilling to compromise and accept your rules. Like a baby howling for a deserved tit, your mouth screams for the attention you think you must have and demands all do your bidding, as I've always done your bidding before, without words, always ready to be what you've wanted; your bitch, your whore, your mother. The degrading sex you threw at me I took, all of it. I wasn't allowed shame in order to please you. I was property, meat, for play and to be disregarded when you grew disinterested. My love for you was reflected back to me through a dark and tainted mirror. I see you. You're a bully. Generally fearful of everything you can't control, of things you can't understand, you feel compelled to break that thing physically, verbally, emotionally, reform it to fit your idea of perfection. My eyes remember the swollen lesson you teach, my ribs the exclamation of your will. You're weak and unimaginative and can't tolerate someone who is strong of character and optimistic to all life can offer. You can't help but feel small and must mold circumstances and people to remind you of what a big person you should or want to be. I was your Light at one time, I thought, and you took it upon yourself to dim that radiance, your nocturnal nature prefering the shadows. I see you. You're narrow. You have no practiced social graces. Groups of people are harder to hide in, aren't they? You don't understand the world and are happy enough not to. You're jealous and needy, unwilling to let me express myself and nourish my friends and have a life away from your reach. You forage and collect suspicion like a truffle sniffing pig, rooting through the crumpled and decaying leaves of my life, turning over every stone in pursuit of a hidden agenda against you. You see me fucking every man that comes around us and it kills you that the proof should remain so elusive. I see you. And standing here, watching your steady breathing, the tiny flutters of your eyelids as you dream your dreams of self importance, your happy, simple little half-smile on your boyish face, turned towards the faint light of the opened bedroom door- I see you as you 'really' are- Helpless

'Good Morning, Sunshine' -rolls over with blurry eyes and dry mouth- 'mmmm- mornin' 'How'd you sleep Beautiful?' 'Mmm- great. I was so relaxed. Thank you' -light kiss- 'I've got something for you' -goes and retrieves what looks like food- 'What's this Babe?' 'Breakfast. I woke up early and you were so cute sleeping, I decided to fix you some breakfast' -suspicious glance- 'F-for me?' 'Yeah girl, all for you. I made a mess in your kitchen, but I'll clean it all up.' 'B-but Babe. I didn't have anything in the kitchen. I'm out of everything-' 'Yeah, I noticed!' -ruffles hair even more- 'So while you were asleep, I went down to the market. Here, start with some toast' '-Down to the market huh? Just like that? Seems like a lot of trouble- just for breakfast' 'Not at all. Here, try the toast-' -looks meaningfully at the toast- 'So- they just let you go and like, you know, buy stuff down at the `market`?' -laughs- 'Yeah. They tend to do that down there.' 'They didn't say anything, like `Gee, you're up early` or anything like that? Didn't ask where you had me or nothing-?' 'uh- no. Should they have? You have a running tab or something-?' 'No. It just seems like they'd ask. This is just toast, right?' -laughs- 'Just toast. -with butter.' -harsh bark- 'Butter huh? yeah, ok, I get it. That's ok.' -confused- 'Well, here, try some eggs. I had to pick some of the shell out, so you get scrambled.' -laughs- 'What's that? What is that? Is it like dirt or something? Or- is it, you know-' -stammers- 'It's pepper. I seasoned it already. You like pepper, right? I didn't use a ton.' 'Pepper. Right. Ok, what is this Robert? Butter, `and` pepper? What are you up to-?' -remains confused- 'Nothing Babe. It's just breakfast, to thank you for such a fantastic night-' 'Oh, and I suppose that's `just` bacon, huh?' -abrasive laugh- 'God Robert. What is all this. It's Myrtle, isn't it?' 'Who?' 'Who? Fucking Myrtle! It's about her, isn't it. I'm in the way now. You want me gone, out of the picture-' 'Who the hell is `Myrtle`?? Is that a real person-? Jesus Christ Stacy, what the hell-' 'Yeah, play dumb, but I see it now. I mean, `butter`? God, you're so transparent-' 'Babe, I have no idea what the fuck you're saying-' 'No, `babe`? You want me gone, so you have unrestricted access to Myrtle and her fortune!! I've been such a fool, thinking you really loved me-' 'Are you mental, or what?? I don't know any Myrtle. Who the fuck is Myrtle-?' 'The lady at work. Just lost her husband- I told you already.' 'The lady at work-? You told me she was in her 80's-' 'Awww, so now you suddenly remember? Hah! You know her husband left her some money, you want her!! Gold digger!!!' 'Oh my God-' -shakes head- 'Like I'd leave you for an 80 year old-' 'I see it all Robert, you don't have to pretend anymore. You wanted me dead, so you could collect on the insurance-' 'What insurance?? We're not even married- ' 'You could have driven over and taken some girl to play your `girlfriend` to some quickie chapel in Nevada!! Got a certificate for a few bucks and one hand on my neck, the other in the small of `her` back- Hah! I bet you did just that last week when I was working late!! Oh, I've been so foolish trusting you!' 'Stacy; you've gone off the deep end-' -eyes wide with unrecognition- 'I only made you breakfast. If you don't want it, ok. but I didn't make it to trick you in anyway, or to put something over on you- Jesus Christ! You are fucking crazy!! I can't believe I ever let myself have any feelings for you. You should be in some institution! You're fucking nuts-' 'Wait Rob!' -begins to cry, slightly- 'I-I'm sorry. I'm just not used to this- I don't know how to be pampered or anything. Ok- I over reacted, I know, but this is all so new for me-' -wipes single tear from cheek- 'It's ok Babe. Listen, I love you! That's all, there's no hidden agendas or anything. You can trust me, alright? Do you trust me?' -sniff- 'Y-yes.' 'Good. Here, take a sip of orange juice and just relax, ok?' -suspicious glance- 'Fresh squeezed orange juice-?' 'Yeah. I left the pulp because I know you like extra pulp-' 'Oh. Extra pulp. Yes. That would be typical, I suppose. Thick pulp, settling on the bottom, huh? Maybe to hide something? Like a pill or something?' 'Fucking Christ!! You want me to drink it?? Would that help? Or am suspected of having already taken the fucking antidote?? Good Lord! Is that grease on the bacon, or is it Nitro-glycerine? One bite and poof, up in a blazing dust cloud. Strawberry jelly on that fucking toast?? Trying to choke you with the fucking seeds???? Shit! Trying to strangle me with that paper towel?? Oh fuck! Look out Stacy! I've got a fork on the plate! I might try to `tine` you to death!!' 'Y-you don't have to be sarcastic about it-' -swallowing anger, trying to regain composure, waiting for pulse to settle- 'I tell you what. Let's get you dressed. I still want to get you breakfast, but we'll go and buy it, ok? At a resturant. They don't know you, I won't put my hands on your food. You pick the place, so I can't call in advance to have you poisoned. Alright? Does that sound like a plan to you Stacy? Will that appease your Fucking fears-???' -face is red, eyes bug out- -claps hands- 'Oh, that sounds great!! Come on Rob, don't be mad at me. I know I'm a lunatic. I'm just nervous, ok? I don't mean it like it seems- Ok Babe?' -sighs, resigned- 'Alright. Get dressed then. I need something in my stomach besides acid-' 'Ok Sweetie!!' -throws on jeans and sweatshirt, pulls hair back, tucks feet into flats- 'Let's go! You dri- uh, `I'll` drive! We'll take my car-'