MFKN Raistlin's blog: "Dulak"

Yeah, I am starting to dislike this site again, and I dislike that I log into this site out of boredom, only to be even more bored by being on here. I really am wondering if it would not just be better to delete this account, and be done with it. Then at least I would not be able to login to this place. All I do is login and a few people rate me a 10 and like me. I do not give one fuck about your points. It makes me wanna go rate these people that I have never opnce talked to a 1, and buzzkill them. I mean if it is nothing but points on here anymore then why the fuck should it matter? I just do not even feel liked or wanted here anymore, and that is fine. I mean it has been over a week since I was even fuowned, and after all the years I have been on this site, if no one then wants to fuown me, then what is the point of being here? Being fuowned is not the actual problem, but I guess you could say that it is just a symptom if that makes any sense.

And there are a few of you that I know that you care such as Wolf, Reeka, Dud, ItsJustMe, and ChemicalFox, but I just do not feel part of anything here anymore, and have not for a long time now. I also know that I get depressed every year at this time, and just have a hard time with everything.  Just feeling very lonely, and have too much free time waiting to start this job, and far too much on my mind now.

Anyone willing to change my password for me, and lock me out of this damned thing until at least Spring, so I do not delete all the bling, and gifts , and blogs, and other things?

I know I posted something about anxiety earlier, and this is what is keeping me awake right now. I hate this time of year until about March. I hate every one of the sappy holidays that are going to be force fed down my throat over the next few months from Turkey day to Christmas, to Valentine's Day. They say more depression, and suicides happen during this time of year, and I say these holidays are to blame for it because they are all designed to make you feel less than if you do not have someone in your life, and are not surrounded by family. So I flip you off when you wish me a Merry Christmas, or do not want to hear about your glittery holiday plans, then take one moment to remember that not everyone enjoys this time of year,

So why is it that when a man does not want you that he expects you to stay his friend, and acts like you should throw a party that he wants to text you when he is bored now??

I really wish I understood this! I also wish I knew why they never seem to understand when I tell them that I am not interested in staying in touch with someone that showered me with attention, and interest, to suddenly decide out of the blue that we only get to be friends now. I mean they have the right to change things like that, and decide not to want me as a lover, so I should be able to decide not to stay friends right?

Am I right, wrong, or what to feel this way?

After all the year  on fubar, I have been blocked by a lot of people over the years but I have to say that the one that blocked me tonight actually hurt me. However I also know that this time I went too far, and actually hurt someone that meant something to me. I have to wonder how much of that is actually me, and how much of that is the whole carefree trolling get out of my way fubar mummer thing. I  do know that I act out on this website in a lot of ways, that I would not act on say Facebook, or in real life. Not to say that I am any less me, or anything.

Not really sure where I am even going with this though since I do know that this time it was my fault. I would ask for cheering up but I do not deserve it. Guess I will go finish my laundry or something, since I cannot for the life of me sleep.

So today was a good day, and passed also into a sort of disapointing one. However in disapointment, we often find our truth, and no true sword ever bypassed the flame. More on that later though. The good news is that I am finally going to get a weekend off at work from time to time. From my understanding it will be once a month, and starts next month. =)

Not sure I really want to talk about the other stuff.,. Yet! However  this talk of flame brings to my mind a short little poem that I wrote back in August. I was feeling really discouraged with the job hunt, and of course moving back to Florida. I was also not seeing a lot of results from my diet and exercise yet either. I have lost right under 20 pounds now since July though if anyone cares. :) 

However I was listening to a band called The Call a lot , and using them for my workout playlist. They have a few songs that I like, and I may share some youtube links in the comments below if anyone is interested. They do have one song "I still believe" and you may know the cover of this song in one of the carnival scenes in The Lost Boys. My favorite part of the song is when he bellows out "I will march this road, I will climb this hill,,,upon my knees if I have too!" It sort of became my motto, and mantra, and this poem came from me because of it.

So now the ashes stir,
Look close, a tiny spark, now become a flame.
Rising fast from cinder to feather.
What was, now burned away,
What will be, now a bonfire of flight.
New beginning, I call you now in avian form!
Hope, I summon your blaze!
Rise again, most sacred one!

Anyways, I hope you are all doing well, and  of course I wish you all many blessings. (r)