dan's blog: "dreams"

broken glass under my feet brings flashbacks of broken promises and shattered dreams.

all things unfinished and wounds wide open.

the scars constantly craving to sew themselves shut breathe with their own life.

incomplete.

numb to the pain of it as tolerance to it builds.

what once incapacitated me is now a buzzing of a fly.

only pestering in the silence of an empty room. this bug near my ear now.

begging to be snuffed from its existence.

a 24 hour life span drawm out for years, seeming eons.

someday, this fly shall be swatted by the right one.

allowing me to sleep again and giving it the end it wishes would come.

when it is safe to dream again. when the buzzing of a saw no longer triggers the terrors of nite in my skull. no more will the blood be on my hands when i awake. no more will i clench damp sheets and scream for mercy. someday, it shall sleep eternally, and i may sleep soundly
through the deafening silence.

someday.

i dare not attempt to choose or tempt my fate, but merely choose the path i take

cold and dark as day, or warm and bright as night, i cannot say

for the path is not paved or foreseeable.

one foot pass the other, till they no longer move, then i still refuse to rest unless the view entices me to stay a bit.

when feet fail me, my heart will move my hands and knees till they become battered, bruised and bloodied.

rest not on cozy bed, but a crooked rock, so as to remind me to not get comfortable.

eat not until childrens bellies are full and rest well. someday they too may see such hard times, but not be while i still have breath. although i may not be able to step in front of all stones cast before them, i will take as many as i can.

once i call you friend, it shall always be. even in a fit of rage you may turn your back on me, and make false accusations, yet, all i hope for is that you see what is real and true and that it hurt you not, but you gain the wisdom that such an event has for you. ill will be not in my heart or mind, but forgiveness may escape me. for i only want to shine the light into the dark corner that you choose to ignore. and i pray that you do not make the same mistakes that i had made when i wore a younger man's clothes.

saying goodbye to someone dear does not hurt merely as bad as realizing that someday, when i am gone, we will never meet again, for you are bound for someplace of wonder, and i bound for somewhere other.

fear not pain. fear not the cold. fear that which makes you most comfortable. for that can be taken away most easily and then you are left with only yourself.

a boy sits alone in the corner with his back to me, holding his head in his hands, body shaking uncontrollably. i think hes crying. there's blood pooled on the floor, sprayed in grotesque fury across the walls, and droplets coming down from the rafters in this cold dark room. i watch him intently, not knowing what to do or say. he reaches for something in the dark, groping with fumbling hands across the cement floor and i can hear skin scraping concrete. he twists his body slowly and i feel my insides turn as i see that his left eye is dangling out of the socket... held only by a thick veiny rope. my back arches as i imagine his pain and recall those dark lonely days of being locked within my head. as he reaches out for something laying in the corner, i hear drops like rain hitting the growing puddle around this child and i realize its flowing from his wrists. my heart stops for a moment as i feel the burn of acid in my throat and the fire in my eyes wells up as i struggle to break whatever invisible bindings are keeping me from reaching him. i want to stop the hurt, the pain. i need to or i feel as though my own body will self destruct any minute, but i am helpless. moreso than the boy. for he seems to dwell in his own free will. as i fight the invisible chains, i watch him pick something up off of the floor and i can tell its pulsating intensely and the pace is quickening. grinding my teeth and feeling every muscle in my body scream against all i will them to do, he turns to face me. and i stare in wonderment as i realize this is not what it can be... because i'm staring at a twisted, mangled copy of myself. theres a hole in his chest, and its black and cavernous and it seems it goes forever. it all is coming into focus as he walks next to me and i see what he has in his hand is a heart. he turns and growls like a creature i've never heard and puts the heart on the ground and stopms with such a force as the concrete groans in resistance. i feel my own chest heave and bile courses onto the floor as i scream for him to stop. i watch as the pulsing ball of flesh slows to a single beat, and he crushes it into a 2 dimensional figure of what it once was. his own heart lies on the floor, yet he still stands like an animal enraged and i wonder, what has been done to him. what is he doing to me? why? like his touch were the key to the bindings he punches me in the chest and sends me skidding through the pond of blood that has engulfed the entire floor. i wipe the blood from my eyes and face, and i look to him. i try to speak, but no sound escape.... i scream dead silence as he walks to the wall and takes a crowbar off of the shelf. staring with his right eye into my own wide eyed and fearful face, hes shoves the bar clear through the hole in his chest and i hear the wet ripping of flesh as i watch the bar go in and hear the scrape of metal as the bar strikes the wall behind him. it sends off sparks. cement pieces fly and hit the walls, my face and splash against this jell that im stuck lying in. i want it to end. he can see it in my face. he smiles his evil little grin and pulls the bar out of his chest and places the flattened point under his chin. and he laughs. then whispers quietly. i cant hear the words in my ears, but my heart knows what he's saying, but refuses to send the message to my mind. and then he throws his legs out from underneath him.