Tuesday, August 15, 2006
little hearts
Current mood: anxious
Category: Life
I feel little hearts floating around, but again I know it is for the wrong person......why cant I feel something for good people> why do I always choose losers? I think I am starting to fit in here, I never did before.....but I know things will work out for me, they always do. I found a quaint little house with about two acres that I want to buy, its pretty inexpensive, but I dont even have that yet, hopefully it wont dissappear before I do. Lost ten pounds this past week, thinking about going coast gaurd, but I need to lose about thirty five more pounds........keep on the weight watchers I guess...y'know I never had a problem with the way I looked until the military showed up (big surprise). I hope I dont look sick when Im done.......still feeling a little regretfull over past issues, but I'll get over it, I used to get so pissed when people would say things like that but I guess I just have to. life confuses me.
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Monday, July 24, 2006
not another!
Current mood: cold
ok...so this guy I met owns his own business and lives on the lake........hotness. Im very attracted to monatary gains but Im wondering if I should try this. I promised myself that I would be alone for awhile and I really did mean it, this guy is really sweet but that isn't what Im looking for right now (actually not looking for anything) he wants me to go to his house for my birthday and bring my daughter.....I dunno....I still have to think, oh yeah my b day happy 26th to me! I feel so old b/c I had to renew my drivers license today o man, another ten years! I dont know if I should see another guy after the last one burnt my house down.....who knew a breakup could be THAT devestating. Im trying to think......and the more I think about it the less it appeals to me.......brian dont think too much, I havent made up my mind. alot of guys are asking me out, why did I even consider this one? I feel a little cold....I dont mean to be, Im broken inside I think. I dont feel............anything. my..........brain........spins.
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Friday, July 07, 2006
nighttime.....
Current mood: awake
not again.....another sleepless night, why do these selfdestructing thoughts continue to race through my mind? I know I should let them go, all of them...but they are like unwelcome house guests.....like the drunken father you just can't get rid of. Why torment me like this, when all I wanna do is breathe a fresh breath or think a new thought?
I found you today, on the info highway to hell. she is so beautiful....no wonder you waited for something better than I . I probably would have too. you looked happy, for that I suppose I'm glad. Alas, my life drones on...in that same old LP skip. nothing changes here. no progress. I hope for new...I am determined to find that, but nothing changes, no progress.
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Thursday, July 06, 2006
independance day
so happy late independance day....icelebrate my independance by turning down three guys today. they just aren't you.
on a lighter side, Im happy that SC finally got its first tattoo parlor...maybe I wont have to go to charlotte for that anymore.
owell.......happy 4th, anyway.
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Monday, June 26, 2006
exerpts from my live journal. as I haven't the patience to come up with a whole new set of crap
Current mood: bored
sometimes bad things happen
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why?
Jun. 26th, 2006 | 11:13 am
why do I feel so sad all the time? why do I bring others down?
so many questions I have, and all too much to list.
so he burned me down, he took my home and my quaint little life,
just when I started to trust again.
why can't I have the perfect mixture of crazy?
why do they all have to be obsessive compulsive?
why is it all or nothing?
they have one by one taken everything I have to give and tossed it to the wind.
ashes is all that is left of my heart.
apathetic grey powder is all that is left,
how I want some color again.
something tangible, something real to keep me in check.
I guess like attracts like. or so I hear.
oh well, that is the story of my immortal life,
I'll try to be upbeat, but it is very hard when you keep seeing how big a failure you are at everything, and how others keep failing you.
I wish you could feel this,
it is most exquisite.
this deep longing, this hurt.
~A~
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being normal is overrated.
Jun. 26th, 2006 | 10:58 am
mood: apathetic
so what if I've got issues?
what have you got?
a bunch of crushed dreams, that's what.
at least I acknowledge my pain.
you can run but you can't hide,
from that devil inside you.
try..try and ignore you're hate.
try and ignore that you are worthless.
it's safe inside my head,
nothing is fake here.
not at all like you,
why make them all lie to you?
I am rejected, I am unfortunate.
I suffer, I am beautiful.
ugly beauty...is that right?
my pain eases my hurt.
or is that vice versa?
I don't understand any of you.
you are so foreign,
like a lost language to my soul.
my heart says to fight.
I feel I must fight you.
all your normalcy,
it is redundant and common.
go away, leave my head alone.
it's just fine in here and the weather is nice.
~A~
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not this time
Jun. 24th, 2006 | 11:49 pm
location: not at home, not anymore.
mood: cold
music: none
I thought I met someone. someone who knew, but he took my life away.
I am stronger than I can imagine, at least I hope so.
everyday I dream of new things, better things
and everyday those things seem more distant.
I pray.
but no change.
God could help me, but the devil calls my name.
it seems God doesn't know my name so well.
strength will hold me apart from ALL of you.
you are weak.
you breeze through life and imagine horrible things.
i struggle and imagine better.
who is right?
God will sort us out in the end.
and hopefully, through my trials, I can emerge.
beautiful and loved.
beauty....such a funny word.
what is beautiful to one is ugly to another.
I think too much on the past.
on mistakes and the wrongs done.
should I forget? is it that easy for you?
tears...on lost loves and bad choices.
why me?
I pity no one, not even me.
not anymore.
now I hate.
yes, hate is a strong word, I feel it.
it courses through my veins like wine.
it tastes sweet.
fuck you all.
I will carry on.
if only just to spite you, I will grow.
~A~
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gaping hole?!
Jun. 19th, 2006 | 10:05 pm
mood: cranky
so i have had my wisdom teeth removed a couple of days ago. it was pretty odd to get permission from my employer to have the day off to get high on laughing gas and painkillers, they say not to mix pills and liqour but what the hell....it hasn't killed me before so i'm sure i'll be fine, like always....
so a few shots of whiskey and a couple of vicodin later I am here, my face swollen like a pumpkin, ha poetic justice at last.
*sigh*
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time has eluded me
Jun. 17th, 2006 | 11:08 pm
mood: drained
music: the rest is silence.
it's been awhile, since I've seen or heard anyone. my wandering has brought me to the deepest parts of hell, and I have returned. I am burnt, and weary but still alive. why do you ask? I ask the same, I have done vicious things to myself. now finally someone has been vicious towards me, razorblades are the least of my worries these days. these scars remain and accumulate everyday.. yet I survive. I have found a spirituality but not the one I wanted to find, I want the spirituality of love everlasting. finally I have given up, I dont want it. people say nice things to me, that is all well, it never means anything. never since that day. never again. I missed you for so long, but to be healthy I needed escape. instead I found my life in literal ashes and starting over, why do I get the short end of any bargain, why do I find the need to be totally posessed until everything I am disappears...I need to be needed, and I am not. how sad.
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empty days.
Apr. 10th, 2005 | 07:38 pm
all that remains of
what I once was, is
scarred and ugly.
all the drugs-the alcohol
nothing will stop
the throbbing in my brain.
sure, i'm a loser.
you made sure to prove
that to me-thank you.
daily i struggle
with my lack of
empathy.
is this what dying feels like?
withering and blowing away.
the wind carries bits
of my flesh away
across the ocean of empty days.
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still alive?
Apr. 10th, 2005 | 07:09 pm
mood: quixotic
music: snake river conspiracy
what treasure I had in you.
how cool you always seemed,
trapped in your own thoughts.
Why didn't you open up to me?
I wasn't be satisfied
unless I occupied all of you.
Unaware, you snuck up and
my heart leaked out.
gone, gone, it's all gone now.
as quickly as it came into my life,
it has left and left me broken.
shattered, my life drones on.
I die each day, and each day
I relive the day I died.
still it goes on.
why can't I forget your eyes?
my skin has been burnt away by your touch,
now every new touch stings the raw flesh.
my eyes are dry now, no tears left to shed.
no feeling,I am numb now.
still....it goes on.
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yet another peice falls away
Nov. 17th, 2004 | 08:11 pm
mood: depressed
everyday seems to be dragging out slower,
everyday seems to be killing me more.
everyday I lose something else,
and I gain nothing.
what have I done?
is this what I really deserve?
haven't I been good enough?
haven't I given?
now what do I do?
I can only move backwards.
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fuck it!
Nov. 12th, 2004 | 04:10 pm
mood: angry
I'm so tired of these fucking head games, I only wanted a little compassion from you. You were supposed to understand my feelings, instead you turn away. My grief means too much to me and nothing to you. Fuck you. I dont like your self righteousness, I hate your patience.
She will never love you. She doesn't want you, she told you so. Hold your breath you cold bastard, hold your breath until you turn blue and she will never come back to you.
He will never love you. He doesn't want you, he told you so. Hold your breath you cold bitch, hold your breath until you turn blue and he will never come back to you.
I'm taking their advice, I'm giving up. Call me weak, call me impatient..what ever you want. I don't care, now I feel empty..
now you have what you want. freedom at last. One day you may regret, but that one day is quickly becoming too late.
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feeling ill
Nov. 10th, 2004 | 03:56 pm
mood: indescribable
i stayed home from work today. i'm a little under the weather so to speak.
i've had so much time to think today.
i do understand the pain of others, but i am so engulfed in my own
painful experiences that i am not sure how to be of any comfort
to anyone.
i want to be involved in someone's life, i want to make a difference
but here lately it seems that all i ever make is a mess of things.
i'm not necessarily depressed today, rather a little introspective.
my life has fallen apart numerous times, and i always pick up the pieces.
this time is no different, just add duct tape.
i just have to wait and see what comes from all of this.
i just wish god made it easy and told me what my lesson is supposed to be
instead of putting me through all this heartbreak.
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lack of you.
Nov. 8th, 2004 | 12:36 pm
mood: crushed
I feel pain, true pain. my darling, if you would but ease my tired heart I could breathe again.
I hold you so high, I think of you constantly. upon waking and in dreams, you are my focus.
I thought you understood, I thought you could comprehend. you claim to have felt this way.
if you had felt this way as I do now, you would not wish this agony on me. it is too much to bear.
I cry nonstop for your lack of compassion. just lie to me, hold me and pretend. the absence of your
affection drives me to a lonely place. I never liked it here.
today I left work early, I need the money but was non functional, crying is not ok when youre around other people.
my god does it cease? you who know should help me through, this pretending not to feel isn't working.
what else can I do?
I Love You.
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oh crap!
Nov. 7th, 2004 | 10:13 pm
mood: depressed
oh crap here it comes again.
I feel so lonely.
I hate the feeling of complete hopelessness that comes over me.
I haven't the power over anything in my life.
and now I've no one to talk to anymore.
I just want it to end.
right...
FUCKING...
now....
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no more for romance
Nov. 5th, 2004 | 11:21 pm
mood: thoughtful
so I say it is over..for now.
but does that mean forever?
who knows...
I really do have love to give,
maybe one day he will be worthy of
recieving it.
maybe not.
I certainly hope so.
I do love him.
I hope he will love me one day.
it still hurts.
still I have no one to talk to about my problems
but this stupid journal.
which I only have because I have no one to talk
to about my problems.
it's a vicious cycle.
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staying out of focus
Oct. 29th, 2004 | 02:54 pm
mood: cold
Im trying not to think of you.
anything to keep me occupied.
it's bad enough you keep going through my brain.
now I can't even listen to music.
it all just brings me to tears.
so I stay busy...I don't look at you
or talk to you.
it hurts so bad, I wish it would all....
end.
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life REALLY is a tragedy!
Oct. 28th, 2004 | 05:14 pm
mood: indescribable
music: devil doll
JUST KILL ME ALREADY!
stop punishing me..
I must look like a toy to you.
with the stupid games you play.
FUCK YOU!
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was it a nightmare?
Oct. 14th, 2004 | 10:25 pm
mood: faded
music: brother orchid
and when i say goodnight,
the pictures in my head
dance around my room,
and frolic in my bed.
and when i say good day,
they hide behind my eyes
waiting for the dreaming
to bring them back alive.
_________________________________________________________
sometimes i wonder what the hell i am doing.
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boys are stupid
Oct. 13th, 2004 | 01:21 pm
mood: hopeful
what is it about guys that makes them guys?
the neverending slur of emotion?
why do men never tell you what they are REALLY thinking?
they try to tell you what you want to hear...then change their minds
later to tell you what will hurt the most.
they can't make up their minds what they want.
when something really good is right in front of them
they can never see it.
selective sight...I guess.
why can I never find a man that puts a little bit
of common sense into his relationships?
probably because most men don't possess any common sense.
I left a perfectly good situation to be with him.
why can't he see what I'm worth?
I try so hard to be grown up.
work sucks...but I do it.
I come home and wash his clothes,
cook his food and wait for him to come home and
say that he loves me...finally.
but that never happens, he won't love me.
he's so stubborn...I can't stop trying.
because even if he doesn't love me...
oh the agony!
stop the torture.
save my withered heart.
give me back my life.
I love you.
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(no subject)
Oct. 8th, 2004 | 06:15 am
mood: discontent
everyone fades
in and out of gray
my mind slips away
out of focus
into pain
it all seems in shambles
my life is a mess.
lying on the floor
i begin to undress
the blade i produce
a glint of hope i induce
metal touches skin
and thus i begin
to strip it all away
one stroke, i feel nothing
another and another
the tears course like rivers
all i can think is to feel
something else, something real
make it stop, let it cease
cutting away the evil that is me
one more time,feel the heat
make it burn, my sweet release.
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(no subject)
Oct. 7th, 2004 | 01:44 pm
mood: crushed
music: velvet revolver-fall to pieces
black and white and shades of blue
are all i see.
sadness creeps in like a thief
to steal me away again.
your pain does pain me
and i can do nothing.
i sit in the rain
a childs toy
left in harsh weather
to rot away.
________________________________________________________________________________________________
have you decided to help me figure it all out? can you tell me who I am?
I would strangle you for your indifference.
my hell is not yours so that makes it easier for me doesn't it?
poor you.
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(no subject)
Oct. 7th, 2004 | 01:37 pm
mood: apathetic
i sit alone by the stares.
i dont think.
i feel too much.
too much pain.
too much to drink
my life spinning
further out of control.
was there ever control?
i dont think.
i dont feel.
i feel the blade
barely skimming flesh
a hint of humanity
i beg for release.
what have they done?
i cant remember.
i know it was wrong
all of it wrong
now i am wrong.
