ARMAN's blog: "Done D1RTY"

I was thinking about what definitively separates a kid from an adult. It's cereal. When you start eating more eggs and bacon than Cinnamon Toast Crunch, that's when you're an adult. That's when you start down the path of bogus priorities. Down the path of self destructive behavior. Down the path of losing your sense of humor. Down the path of saying a list of things by repeating the first few words instead of using commas because your points are too profound to fit in one sentence. Down the path of using "going down paths" as an all-encompassing metaphor for all your shitty decisions.

People who take their lives seriously are boring to hang out with, but when I'm not around them, their existence causes me destructive emotional pain. For that reason, it's almost less traumatic for me to hang out with boring people than to sit alone and hate that they exist somewhere. I just need to know who is who. That's why the first thing I do when I meet someone is look in their cereal cabinet. If the cereal isn't relevant to my nostalgia, I leave. I also check the expiration dates to make sure they're not just left over from younger days. I met this girl at a night club, who later ruined my life. I should have seen the warning signs, because I went over to her place and saw she she had a box of Frosted Flakes that was so old, there was a picture of a little orange kitten on the front.

That's the kind of shit that bothers me about someone. Because you know that Frosted Flake girl is not going to wander into the woods and find frogs and rub their tummies and sing them lullabies. She's too good for that. Too good for frogs, too good for Honeycombs, and too good for me. The only thing that makes her a content individual is going to night clubs and finding guys lives to ruin. And I attribute it all, on a semi-metaphorical basis, to a rising disinterest in sugary cereal. I've been without cereal for a few months. I know what it's like. You start to feel powerful. You start to feel in control of yourself. You start wearing collar shirts. You start seeing the big picture. You start holding in farts instead of letting them out because you care more about your image than everyone else's good time. You start not having laugh attacks. You start talking in cliches. You start what you can't finish. You start the engine and I'll pop the hood and take a look.

Even knowing all this, I can't prevent it. I can't help but turn into another serious person self-proclaimed philosopher douche bag. The decision is out of my hands. As pointless as it is to ponder my existence, it's equally pointless to do anything else. It's like I've been thrown in a padded white room with nothing but a box of legos that have all the nubs shaved off so they don't stick together. Of course I'm going to play with them, but I'm not going to put much effort into it because everything's going to fall apart anyway. And it's only a matter of time before I start screaming, "Can I get some snacks in here?" And a flap opens and a Snickers bar falls out. And I suck the chocolate off and use the honey to stick the legos together. And I feel incredibly clever with myself, but at the same time, I also feel incredibly lonely that nobody is there to see me my awesome nougat lego tower.

On a more serious note, do you think that in colonial days, you could buy village insurance? Like.. in the case where your village burned down, they would give you a settlement.

There's this girl that I'm totally in love with. I've been thinking about ways to tell her I love her. Here are a few of my ideas -

1. Take her to a really romantic setting in the woods in late evening. Pull a candle out and some wine. Light the candle next to a log and sit down near a pretty flowing creek with fur trees and the fresh smell of fallen pine needles. Smile and look her in the eyes and ask her if she's cold. Girls love it when you're romantic and caring like that. So she'll probably say yes. If she says yes, put your arm around her and everything is cute and cuddly and blissful. However, if she says no, grab a tree trunk and knock her into the icy creek. Let her float down the current a little then pull her out by her hair and ask, "How about now?" And she'll probably say yes. Of course she'll say yes. Girls are very predictable like that. Then offer her your jacket and tell her you're only giving it to her to silence the annoying teeth chatter. If she gets hissy, push her back in the creek and hold her head under. When she starts to kick and scream for air, pull her out by her tits, rip her shoes off, and say, "I love your bitchass."

I haven't tried it yet, but I will soon because I absolutely adore this girl and I'm willing to do anything for her. I love her so much, I would give up all my dreams to be a world class darts player just to be with her. I'm head-over-penis for this chick.

I don't mean to be disrespectful to women or make fun of them. I have a strange way of expressing emotions. Some guys buy flowers for girls and make them dinner. I pin them down and flap their arm fat in front of all their friends while I make funny sound effects and call them gristle tits. We all have our ways of showing affection and I hate being judged for mine.

Sometimes you're too afraid to tell a girl you love her. So, write a song for her on the guitar and include the lyrics "I love you" in the song. Good idea, eh? It fills the silence and eases awkwardness. Girls go crazy for that. There's nothing sweeter to a girl than writing her a song. Here's one I wrote for this girl. I'll even include the chords so you can learn it too and sing it to the one you love.

A C
Darling, I'm a virgin.   Em A
And I have STDs. Am C
I'm the only celebate.   D A E
With advanced anal herpes.   A C
Which makes me very special.   Em D
You deserve someone special.   G C C Cm C
Which is why you shouldn't be so prude and   G D A
Bang the piss out of me because I love your bitchass.
 

I wrote forty eight more versus, but they aren't necessary. Practice, perfect, perform.

The three "P"s of umm song playing, shit I'm tired. I'm leaving you on this note:

Cm

Fuck that's stupid. What an awful, cliche joke. No girl would ever love a worthless hack like me who can't even discern a note from a chord. Maybe I deserve to die a virgin. A virgin covered in alphagetti with my scrotum lagging on the ground behind me as I walk up to a girl at a bar and tell her it'd be sexy if she got on her knees and spoke in old Russian while cramming pesto into my belly button. I hate girls.

Girls do all kinds of things that piss guys off. Usually they don't realize what they're doing. Then we never call them again and they think we're assholes and then we get their mother pregnant. But it was their fault all along. Here are the biggest worst turn offs available that I can think of.

1. Driving safely
You can always tell how boring a girl is by how safely she drives.

2. Flushing the toilet
If she wastes water, I wonder what else she wastes? Most likely her life and existence.

3. Wearing a baseball hat
Sex and baseball are not heterosexually corrolated. Nobody gets aroused by mental imagery of girls playout center field. Girls playing sports is not hot, especially baseball. The only time girls should be permitted to wear mits is when they're taking food out of the oven. 

5. Baby talk
Not cute. And even if it were cute, cuteness sucks. Cuteness is for teddy bears. Unless you're looking for the type of guy who fucks teddy bears, stay clear of anything cute.

6. Being Asian
Asians are the coolest kind of people. But the coolest people are always the worst in bed. So to all of Asia, let's just be friends.

11. Being on time
People who are on time clearly have nothing going on in their life.

13. Smoking cigarettes
Just kidding, smoking is mighty sexy. Smoke if you want guys to like you.

15. Wearing nice shoes
Don't waste your efforts because we won't see your shoes anyway. Our eyes are up here and your feet are way down there. It's a pointless effort. It makes us think you don't understand us at all. Guys are not into that. 

14. Talking about politics
Guys are curious what's written on your underwear, not your ballot. Talking about old disgusting nappy wrinkly old men like Hilary Clinton does not get us up and aroused.

156. Wearing bracelets
Bracelets are the worst jewelry. They're watches that don't give any information. Being practical is the only practical way to be.

16. Laughing too loud
Guys know how funny we are. If you laugh louder than the joke was due it's embarrassing. It makes me want to slap everything about you.

17. Compliments
We know how awesome we are. Don't waste your time with your relentless compliments.

177. Piercings
Girls with so many rings running through them I want to hang a shower curtain on their face and climb in and have them spit on me. Pull that shit out of your body and be normal like everyone else. Normal is attractive.

177b. Tattoos
If I'm doing a girl from behind, the last thing I want is to be stared down by a pink fucking cartoon bunny.
 

18. Using exclamation marks
I hate exclamation marks. They make me flacid. Stop.

19. Saying "just."
It's unnecessary and pathetic. "I'm just really tired" says the same thing as "I'm really tired." It doesn't elevate your state of passion or drama to use "just" in every statement you make. Knock it off.

21. Leaving voice mail
If we don't answer, we don't want to talk. Stop infiltrating our gadgets with your hairy smelly voice.

25. Inviting us places
Inviting a guy somewhere is saying, "You don't have the capacity to make decisions for yourself."
Stop it. We don't need life direction guidance from noobs.

23. Telling the truth.
Honesty is for push-overs. The truth is never interesting. Lies are what make things happen in life, in the world, and especially in the bedroom.

25. Shitting on my face
I'm not a toilet. What's wrong with you. Do NOT shit on my face. NOT cool. And the fact that I keep falling for these kinds of girls is disconcerting at best.

27. Smiling
What are you so damn happy about. Shut the fuck up.

25. Kissing
Yuck.

24. Having your DNA genetically cross polinated with corn.
Seriously, c'mon.

256. Having sex with us
Girls only have sex because they're insecure. You don't enjoy it. You think you're so gracious and kind. It makes me sick.

261. Walking
Where are you going that's so damn important? We're not impressed. You are not specially talented for having the capacity for movement. Everyone can move. If you really want to impress a guy, buy him a house.

27. Taking home left-overs
Left-overs would normally be thrown away, thus taking home leftovers is the same thing as eating trash. You wouldn't want your date to see you rooting through trash dumpsters on the walk home, so don't take home garbage from the restaurant. Get a job, homeless worthless Jew bastard.

25. Condoms
Condoms piss guys off more than anything. Who do you think you are? It's your responsibility to make sex good, not ours. Don't cheap shot us with this condom crap. If I wanted to fuck a piece of plastic, I'd stick a turkey baster up my ass, suck the jizz out my balls, and go to sleep.

28. Listening closely
You bother me with all your incesent listening. It makes me uncomfortable to think someone cares what I'm saying. Stop listening so damn much and shut the hell up.

29. Being nice to my parents
I'm not even nice to my parents and I've known them for decades. Stop being a dumb suck-up mulebag. My parents are trash. If you're nice to them, it only shows how fake and shallow you are. One time I introduced a girl to my parents and the first thing she said was, "Wow, I didn't expect D1RTY'S mom to be so fat and disgusting. And you, dad, you look like a shitstain on my pants after your son got done railing me in the throat." I was so turned on, I fucked all three of them in the coat closet.

31. Being one-faced
The more bi-polar you are, and the more personalities you have. And the more personalities you have, the longer it will take us to get bored of each one of you. The more schitzo, the less bored I'll be after dating you for three days.

31. Scratching itches
Itches are caused by bacteria. Nobody wants to have sex with something ridden with bacteria. Not only is scratching disgusting, but it's also a sign of having no self restraint. What is wrong with these girls? 

33. Eating
Girls eating looks and sounds gross.

34. Breathing
Smelly, repulsive, sickening. Especially out your nose. If I'm sleeping with a girl and I can hear her breath, I go out and find a bum and let him sleep between us so his raspy snoars drown out the girl's pathetic nose wheezing.

35. Sleeping
A sleeping girl is the most boring thing on the planet. I'd rather date a piece of fossilized dinosaur snot than wake up to a sleeping girl next to me. When I wake, I want my homework done, taxes filed, meals cooked, bong loaded with clean water, and a fresh array of condoms layed out for me in case I decide to get a morning prostitute. And I also want all the pets we own to be filleted and stacked neatly in the basement freezer. That's what I want, and that's what every guy wants. Stop being so lazy and unattractive and get on the ball.

#10. So I have someone to share intimate thoughts and secrets with.

#9. So I have someone honest and forgiving in my life.

#8. So I can split a one-room apartment for $300/mo because spending $600 each month to sleep and cook canned soup is bullshit.

#7. So I have someone to hang out with who doesn't try to show me his dick every ten seconds.

#7. So I have something to do when while waiting for the latest video game to come out.

#6. So I have something "real" to blame my problems on.
 
 #4. So my dipshits friends don't feel justified complaining about their girlfriends on the grounds that I don't "understand" because I don't have one, and then refusing to take my brilliantly crafted advice because somehow it's not relevant because I'm single and no single person could ever possibly have any understanding of relationships or the human condition. What's with people who ask for advice, and then don't take it? It's insulting. It's not even relationship advice. You'll go to a restaurant with them, they'll ask the waitress, "Is the fish and chips any good?" Of course the waitress replies, "Yes, it's excellent." Then your friend goes, "Ok. I'll have a grilled cheese." What the fuck were they asking for? Did the waitress give the wrong answer? Was your friend hoping the fish and chips was lousy? "Hi, I'll have the fish and chips, but only if it tastes like rancid dick bile." People are fucking WEIRD.
#8. Apparently if I "fall in love, I lose." Well I haven't lost anything ever in my life, and I'm curious how it feels. 

 #3. Because girlfriends do stupid shit all the time and it's fun to laugh at even though I think it's sad and pathetic.

#5. So I have someone to consistently hate on a daily basis.

#3. Because girls find guys in relationships more attractive.

#2. So that when I'm playing beer pong, I can be like, "FUCK THIS GAME. I FUCKING HATE BEER PONG." And go hatefuck my dumb girlfriend.

#3. So when I'm having a shitty day, I can make her life miserable.

#11. So I have someone to have cybersex with who isn't named "TinaSexiXXX" and costs $.40/minute.

#17. She might

#12. She might be good at something.

#13. In case I strike out at a bar, I have a backup plan.

#16. So that when my MOM asks me if I have a girlfriend, I can be like, "FUCK YOU."

#15. So I can practice being heartless on someone who genuinely cares about me.

#26. So I can practice lying to someone without having consequences that matter.
 
#17. So when I fuck her, I can use a hidden camera. I've always wanted to do that to a girl. And she'll be like, "OwW! D1RTY! What the fuck are you shoving inside me?" And I'll be like, "It's a hidden camera! Look! Now it's hidden, now it's not.. now it's hidden, now it's not!" And we'll have a few laughs and a few torn vaginas and then break up and I'll be back to where I am now - wishing I had something even though I know for a fact that I don't want it.

Emo is marvelous, so shut up.

I consider myself to be very emo, and I'm proud of it. I'm tired of people hating us for no reason. Bastard haters try to bring us down and destroy our way of life. They try to turn the "emo" into "demolish," but they're ignorant. I think it's about time someone from our culture stood up and defended our totally hip and awesome lifestyle.

Emo people, like myself, have totally cool hair. People think it's strictly a fashion statement, but that's simply not true. There are many practical reasons for wearing our hair the way we do.

Let's say I'm outside walking in broad daylight and all of a sudden I turn into a vampire for no reason. My hair will shield me from the sunlight and I won't prune to death.

Emo people benefit society in a lot of ways. For example, killing ourselves offers many jobs to illegal Mexicans who's only skill is using a shovel. Or Italians who failed to succeed at construction and can only hammer 6 boards together into a rectangle. Our frequent suicide also offers many great jobs to doctors, morticians, knife manufacturers, and myspace.com employees.

We cry all the time about everything for no reason. This comes in handy all the fucking time, stupid. If we're stranded in the desert, we can sustain our thirst by balling our eyes out and drinking each others tears. That's how camels do it.

Then we laugh at all the other guys who bottle up their emotions and die of dehydration and their dicks prune up like vampires while we film it and jack each other off.

I heard that one group of emo blokes went on an Arabic tour and had to tell each other stories about missing The Strokes concert in order to survive. Then they tried styling a scorpion's hair and it puked on them and their pants fell off.

Emo people have indescribable appearance. This is a big advantage. When I steal some lady's car, the police will ask her to describe the thief. She won't know what to say. "Well he.. er she.. was male, I think.. with uhhh peachish fuscia straight hair on his.. er her right side and a curly spike towards the left, but the front.. aw fuck it, it had an oil leak anyway, fuck Chevys *click*."

That's right, fuck Chevys, and fuck all you non-emos (Nemos) who have no personality and get identified in lineups. You're now laying in prison and taking it in the soldier by emo inmates who sob uncontrollably as they violate your precious funnel of innocence.

Here's one. If a subway car runs into my head, my greasy emo hair will cause the metal to glide off my skull and diffuse 95% of the blow. However, if my intent is to actually get killed by the subway, I can eat liver and fart and it'd be kind of funny to see a guy get nailed by a subway and as he's flipping around in the air with blood spiraling away from him, he farts. Yeah, I'd chuckle at that.

Also, Emo people are so self-conscious that we have mastered the art of pissing so that nobody outside the bathroom can hear.

Creating jobs, saving lives in the desert, and scientific discoveries.. Yet even with all this, people still hate Emo. I don't know how we put up with this bigotry. So for you emo haters, I wrote a poem about us. Hopefully this will turn you into believers.

E stands for Emotion. Because feeling sentimental hurts.
M stands for Motion-none. Because we don't move at concerts.
O stands for Otion. Because we cry an ocean.
T stands for Tion. Because I cry when I masturbate without lotion.
I stands for "Eyes," which is all we know how to draw.
O stands for Otion. I already fucking told you this one, you dicksaw.
N stands for N, which is what's playing on my stereo.

Oh my god. I'm sorry, that was just too beautiful. I apologize. I cannot finish this. I am so epic. I have to go dispense saltwater from my dookie browns.

I've been reading the news way too much and taking it way too seriously.

It just goes to show how nobody knows jack shit about anything. And nobody knows it or calls anyone on anything. People assume professionals will be professional, and trust them. Like dentists. Dentists are always fucking up and covering up their mistakes. "Oh, your filling fell out? That's because you.. didn't floss ten times per day. And now you have what is known as a bicuspid injunction molar infracting on your.. labia.. fungus.. disease." Bullshit. They just fucked up when they did your filling, and don't want to take responsibility. And Doctors too. They'll examine your disease, go to the other room, google it, and come back with a diagnosis. I know this for a fact. But people just trust them. Like they trust police officers and news reporters to know what they're talking about.

Nobody picks up on the stupid obvious bullshit in the news because they make it so emotional. Someone reads about a girl being killed and they get all emotionally involved with the story and think the world is such a fucked up place, which is totally full-circle ridiculous because the irrelevant people and events and other meta-data within the articles are usually even more fucked up than the stories themselves.

People read headlines and instead of seeing how ridiculous everything is, they go, "Girls getting beaten up and killed? Oh my! How dreadful. Where is the humanity?" The humanity is right there in front of you. Humans get pissed off sometimes and fucking kill people. There are six billion of us. What do you expect? If you don't find any humanity in the news, you are totally out of touch with your own species.

God dammit. I need to stop reading the news. I need to go back to reading Victoria's Secret like every other sane person in the world whose method for finding sanity is to avoid everything obvious.

Like guys who play a guitar at parties. Don't you hate those people? God that's annoying. Do they actually think girls dig that shit? Girls don't want someone to sing them to sleep. Girls want someone to fuck them shitless for 5 hours until they pass out. Fact - no girl has ever orgasmed from listening to a guy play guitar. Sure, guitar players are entertaining. So what? A movie is entertaining, but you don't see very many girls fucking their DVD player.

As for Michael Jackson, I have no comment.

Actually, I do have a comment. Anyone who's "sad" over Michael Jackson's death is an asshole. All you know or care about from MJ is his music and dancing. You're only sad because your entertainer is dead. That's all he was to you - an entertainer. How superficial and selfish do you have to be to mourn over the death of an entertainer. That's totally pathetic. Because the relationship was strictly one-way. You liked him because he entertained you, and he didn't even know about your existence. And now you have the nerve to be sad that he's dead. Total bullshit. The only person you should feel sad for is his plastic surgeon who no longer has a source of income and has to take out a second mortage.

Do you cry when your iPod or DVD player breaks? Hell no. You go "Fuck." When innanimate sources of entertainment die, you don't mourn their death. Or when the guy playing guitar at the party randomly gets his neck cut off by a broken beer bottle flung from a capapult. No one cares. So why mourn Michael Jackson's death? You didn't know him. He wasn't close to you. You didn't know what kind of person he was. It's freakin annoying. Stop looking around for trendy reasons to be sad and feel connected with the world. As if a news story that Michael Jackson is dead willl bring people closer together. "Oh we're all so sad that this person who makes music that we like is dead even though he hasn't produced anything good in over a decade." Ugh. Where is the humanity?

Some dude got a month in jail for killing someone while drunk driving.

ONE. MONTH. That's it. I'd spend a month in jail just for kicks. He gets drunk, drives around, kills someone, and gets sentenced to four weeks away from his wife and job. A month in jail is like a vacation. For killing someone. I can think of dozens of people I'd gladly go to jail for a month if I could kill them. The courts should have a limited time special - spend a year in jail for killing a dozen people, and you can run over a thirteenth, free! If I could get drunk and drive my car through a Southern Babtist Church parking lot and mow over 13 dumb redneck motherfuckers, I'd martyr away a year of my life. No problem.

If killing someone gets you a month, what do you get for just drunk driving? A high five? Like "Excuse me sir, could you please step out of the car so that officer Sandford and I can conduct a standard issue high five procedure on you and then you can be on your way."

And yesterday, some guy got a year in jail, not prison, for raping a four year old. The article is a video, so I don't blame you for not wasting time watching it.. I hate watching videos on the internet, I can't skim. You can't skim a video, it's retarded. When I come across a news article in video form, I have to turn down my music, press play, wait for it to buffer or whatever, then when it finally plays, I have to adjust the volume because it's way too fucking loud or quiet, and usually sit through some bogus advertisement for skin cream, like I'm going to buy skin cream. If I gave a shit about the quality of my skin, I'd be outside instead of sitting in my basement watching news articles on a computer. Then it finally plays, I have to sit through the whole video because if I try to skim to the middle, it'll take forever to rebuffer and probably end up showing another ad. Then when it's over, I have to turn my music back on, hurt my ears, adjust volume again. It's a pain in the ass. If I wanted to watch videos, I'd get a TV.

Basically some dude molested a four year old girl and got only one year in jail. Which is absolute madness.

The reason is this- they settled on one year sentence because they were worried that if the court put the child on the stand, she would get nervous and not testify, and the guy would go free. They continue, "This decision makes sense because it is very uncommon for a child to be put on the stand." Oh, good, not only does that make absolutely no sense, but it's not reassuring at all. That just means that basically it is impossible for any child molestor to go to jail for more than a year, because they don't trust the child to testify against him in court. What about off court? Is our legal system that demented that if a four year old can't flawlessly articulate being molested in front of a hundred strangers, the guy gets a minimal sentence and a free haircut?

Why can't they sit the child down in a comfortable room with teddy bears and shit and put the judge and jury behind a one-way mirror? How is that not reasonable?

If the child isn't allowed to testify, and no child is ever allowed to testify ever, how are they ever going to prove anything in any fucken case that happens in the future?

Short of having the police walk in on the guy fucking the kid, or somebody plants a video camera in the room, or if Chris Hansen clones himself a thousand times and goes on a worldwide anti-chomo spree, the most any child molester will ever get is one year in jail. Good news for rapists! One year is nothing. People go to jail for pot for one year. You can kidnap a four year old infant and hold it down and cum inside of it repeatedly, that's cool. Or you can get drunk and drive like a freak and mow people over. That's cool too. But god forbid you smoke a joint and watch Ninja Turtles (The 2D animated version, not the new bullshit 3D version that sucks total ass because they try too hard to make the characters have depth and dimension, while forgetting that they are six foot tall turtles who fight bad guys).

I was thinking.. I could chug a pint of Jack Daniels, drive my giant Buick into a playground, grab a kid off the seasaw, take her clothes off, and proceed to braff around like a fucking lunatic with my dick in the kids ass and, if I happen to get caught, the judge LOLs and gives me 13 months in jail. And assuming I behaved myself in minimum security happy-time party-with-the-guards jail, six months later I can go do it all over again. Totally reasonable.

My keyboard broke and now I'm using this Mac keyboard as a backup. It's all rubbery and I basically have to give the keyboard a deep tissue massage to get any letters to come out so I'm going to stop typing before I get carpal tunnel throughout my entire upper body because of this stupid fucking Mac keyboard that doesn't even have a screenshot key or else I'd put screenshots of those news articles instead of linking to them because CNN will probably take them down soon because they're so god damn embarrassed about how batshit insane our society has become when a guy can get drunk and kill someone and only go to jail for a month. Steve Jobs should spend a month in jail for not putting a print screen button on his keyboards. sdfhsfgjhsdfgjsdjsdrtjsrtjsrtjsrtjsrtjsrtjsrtjsrtjv

WE'VE ALL HAD THEM

The day starts off stellar, you're hyped to ride and then things rapidly begin to fall apart.Maybe you're clocking footage with your crew, shooting pics,excited to do that trick you just learned. Competing in a contest or just out riding like you always do and having fun. Then like a slap in the nuts and no bitches around to give you mouth love, it happens. You get a flat, some dip shit walks in front of your line, you eat shit. Your homie filming forgot to press the button, you can't stick the trick! You get the fucken point. Temperatures will boil over that crap no doubt. Well don't sweat it because sooner or later it always turns around. The next block over has a better set up, you still have a second run, you'll pull it smoother on the next try... Tomorrow is a new day and it's going to be a good one now fuck off.

I guess my love goes all the back to how I got into riding. Just trying to pedal and go fast. That's been a constant and I certainly can say I love it. Cruising down to an empty parking lot to spend hours on end to pull a new trick once or twice. YEAH I love that shit. It might not sound fun to many of you dead fucks but I really enjoy it. I love the learning aspect of BMX, just trying to figure out how to make a trick work. I'm not a natural and I really have to work hard to learn. This can be completely frustrating but it's almost always equally rewarding when it does work. I've spent a ricockulous amount of time alone in a parking lot, yet I still go back to do it. Not sure if it's obsession, compulsiveness, love or just a good mix?? I without a doubt love the characters, friends, random situations, weird encounters, unexpected good times, many miles, countless hours, places, stories and the variety of these that is BMX to me.

It's plain and simple IT IS FUN. It's a form of expression that brings me so much joy that it's hard to explain.No matter what the situation is in my life, it always boils down to the fun BMX brings me. Not just doing it but everything about it I love it because it's fun. There are no rules or guidelines about what you can do on a bike. In sports like football and baseball you can only push the limits of what has already been done. In BMX you can do things that people didn't even think a bike could do. The bicycle has so many different options that you can take advantage of. People get caught up in adding more to what other people have already done. Progression is amazing and I'll never quit getting hyped on the latest greatest trick being done.

I think that what I'm trying to say is that I like seeing people get weird because they can, because there's no one to tell them not to. I like that you can ignore all the shit talk for fuck nuggets, all the hype of whats COOL and have fun seeing what you can do with that toy that you call your bike. I don't know if it makes any sense but I guess I'm glad it doesn't have to.

The easiest way to explain it is you see something that looks so BAD ASS and you want to replicate it. You want to get that feeling for yourself but it's hard to obtain. You might see some dude racing a  sick Porsche around a track or someone creating amazing art in a giant loft with a ton of supplies. those things are desirable but there is so much work, patience, luck required if you want to experience them. When I saw a pro BMXER  shredding a curb at age 11, I was able to hit that same curb and get that same feeling. BMX is so accessible regardless of your talent level. I love it because I can just do it. Go ride you dirty fucks.

Ass cleaning tips


I have mastered the art of cleaning my stool hall and I want to share it with you losers who simply lather your wash cloth with some soap and do a quick reach around..THAT WILL NOT CLEAN YOUR ASS!!!! You need to spend at least 5 minutes in that area to have maximun cleanage. How would you feel if you were a girl/guy and while you were licking/slobbering some girls/guys junk you get a nice whiff of some anal grease and dingle berries from a soft textured turd that required about 12 wipes in the public restroom? You think it's clean but it is NOT!!! Here are some tips:

Tip 1: After dropping the fecal children off at the pool, you can either use some baby wipes (my personal favorite) or you can use a technique I learned from an ex-girlfriend of mine, you wet the toilet paper and proceed to wipe front-to-back, NOT back-to-front. You risk sliding some of the grease beneath your ball sack which creates another problem. This only applies to those who do not get what is called a perfect excrement session aka.."A Clean Break" to where the ca-ca breaks off completely and all you have to do is wipe the water off your gluteus after the initial plop.

Tip 2: Shave the hair off around your rectal, nuts and butt crack. This is just common knowledge, if you dont you risk piling up a weeks worth of dingle berries and in rare occasions, creation of shit dreadlocks to where the ca-ca firmly laminates itself to the ass hair and it twists together as you walk. This is more likely to happen to those who wear boxers because of the free "airflow" and those who don't shower often because you give the poop time to dry up like cement.

Tip 3: Jump into a public pool or spa. This is just as effective as a shower or even better because you get maximum "soakage" and it requires less work and combats lazy reach around in the shower. Believe it or not, that is the only useful purpose for public pools, I think of them as gigantic bathtubs that goggle up loose ass hairs, dingle berries and makes a great place to take a quick pee. If I find myself in that situation, I just jump in the pool on one end, pee then swim to the other end, do a couple quick 360's under water then jump out the shallow side and dry off.

Tip 4: Go to the beach and be a good Samaritan, jump into the ocean and "feed the fish", fish LOVE dung, I have 2 goldfish and they are always sucking each others doo-doo holes. Get a nice, salty ass treatment. For those of you who gets bumps after shaving your pubes or ass, this is a great to dry those up. Just simply go out past the waves a bit, however, don't be too obvious if you are going to release some bait into the ocean. Flop around a bit, move around because if you sit still people will become suspicious and besides the poop might float up to the surface quickly. Fish will love you for it!

Tip 5: Women love to get manicures and pedicures, I call this the "assicure" It has a meaningful name Ass I Cure, it's self explanatory..yes, it is up to you to cure that hideous ass smell and here is how you do it in the shower. Pamper yourself, get the water luke warm and try to get the shower nozzle to propel the water quickly. Begin by turning in the opposite direction of the shower, about 180 degrees to where the nozzle in shooting directly down your ass crack. Position yourself at a 90 degree angle, butt up nice and high, reach around and spread your butt cheeks and let the water do its magic. The object is to really clean out the crevices of your brown eye, wedged up about a 1/4 inch of the butt hole is some fecal matter that masks itself like a bat in a cave. This will allow the water to loosen it up for the wash cloth lathering. The next step is to lather your wash cloth with some body wash or soap bar. Reach around and scrub it good, go ahead and wrap the towel around a finger of choice (i use my middle finger) and put that finger up your asshole and move it around in a circular motion. Go ahead and scrub nice and good up the butt crack to make sure you get all the grease. After you are done, rinse well then repeat step 1.

ADDITIONAL NOTE: Putting your finger in your ass doesn't make you gay, it might burn a bit. For those guys who insist on having anal sex with their girlfriends all the time, if you think one finger hurts, go ahead and use two fingers and see how it feels. It feels like a massive shit you take in the morning after a night of drinking and eating the 4 slices of jalapeno pepper pizza.

That is all for now party people, hope this has been insightful. I would love some feedback from possible success stories.

Please read some of them now.

" I would like to thank you for your ass cleaning tips, it has changed my life. My g/f is giving me head all day and night"

"Wow, my ass has never been cleaner. I feel more confident and got my dream job"

"I love to feed the fish, thanks Dirty...my ass used to be filled with pimples and anal grease but now my ass is as smooth as a babies bottom, I feel like a kid again, thanks"

" I used to mask my ass smell with cologne and other junk, I have tried so many other techniques but yours is by far the best. I am now engaged to a playboy model"

Siskel & Roeper give it "Two middle fingers up"

P.S. I AM OFFERING FREE SERVICE TO LADIES WHO WANT TO GIVE ME HEAD JUST TO SEE HOW A PROFESSIONAL COLON CLEANSING SHOULD BE LIKE