dolphin lover's blog: "Dolphin Lover"

I haven't been here for awhile and just had the urge to check in. It looks like things are pretty much the same in here. My life has been evolving at a bizzare angle and plane. Sunday was the 14th anniversary of my last husband's death. As always it was hard but I got through it. I went and visited a new friend and just took care of me. I will go up to the cemetary next Sunday because I will be up north anyway. My daughter is struggling right now and that is hard for me to watch. Somedays lofe just sucks. I just hope she doesn't make any rash decisions based on her life situation right now. She is without the net and that is hard. We did a lot of our visiting that way. I am working on getting the house ready for Yule and X-Mas. I just can't figure out what to do with the furniture so I can get the tree up. It may have to be the tiny tree this year. A 42 inch T.V. takes up a tremendous amount of space in an already small room. I still say blow the house up and build a new one.:) That's just me though. I get frustrated because there is really nothing to do with most things. Somewhere with the house and rooms all appearing to be afterthoughts and my collecting things it has just gotten out of hand. Time to box up for next years yard sale and make it happen. Blessings to all

There have been a lot of changes in my life lately. My computer had to go to the doctor this past week. Before that it was just a strange time. My life came to a halt as I knew it. The people I thought were my friends and would always be by my side have left me. Found out there are things more important to some people than trust and honesty, like bikes and clubs. I have the beginnings of a lot of new frinds. I just have to step outside of my comfort zone and make it happen. This month, well October, is going to be a time of change and growth. Hope all will be blessed in your lives. You can have new years resolutions at any time, not just Dec. 31st. Love and laughter to all

This has been a very very long week. I think I have processed almost all of the emotions I know. If not I don't want to go there. I have felt hurt, lost, confusion, pain, happiness, love, laughter and very deep depression. One of the things I learned from all of this is that i can and will survive most htings that are throwm at me. My mom is slowly, well maybe not so slowly getting worse by the day. This is my big fear. She is not supposed to be this bad at her age. Who says?..me of course. My friends in the f2f world are rapidly abandoning me. Why I have no idea other than the stuff I am going through scares them. If so jezz what asses and wimps. No matter what the reasoning is they are still assess and wimps for not having the balls to tell me what's up. Even those I love are sending me mixed messages most days. I wonder if their memories are as bad as mine and my mom's. All of the yeah I'll give you a call later and I will do this and that for you are not followed up on. My expectations may be a bit much for the rest of the world. I am getting ready to go to an event that will help me change my life in a more positive way. To that I am looking forward. It will be Saturday the 15th. That is also my Granddaughters sweet 16 birthday. What a Karmic shot. I think there is a reason for everything and this one must have a great reason for me. I don't need to know what it is just accept that it is and go with the feeling. Blessed Be

I posted a bullitin the other day asking for some help with finding the sister I have and have never met. No only has it not gotten me any results but it has not even been reposted. Maybe because i didn't write 'repost pllz' nno one thought I wanted to have it reposted even though I clearly asked that in the bulletin. Oh well I will try other places where maybe I can get some help. Thanks Blessings to all.

Some days are ones you wish never happened or that you could rewind and start over with the knowledge you have when it's gone. This might be one of those and then it might be one that for once I did exactly what i needed to . I don't always know how to gracefully tell someone to get out of my friggin life but when it has been done a dozen ways and they still don't get it, maybe it's time to be rude. I just can't stand those who think that just cause they come from a higher class background than me and my friends that they are better than we are. Especially when they choose to continue to hang on to a long dead fame ( in their mind fame) and define themselves by this I'm sorry. I still don't think I have to be a part of feeding the dinosaurs ego. This one thinks she here's God tell her what to do and then does some of the stupidest shit on earth. An example would be paing a high priced attorney to fight a misdemeanor littering ticket. If my reputation couldn't stand up to that I would give it up and not worry cause the reputation must not be much to begin with. God that feels better. Almost as good as when I said I'm hanging up now, goodbye and hung up. It bums me out that with a cell phone you looses a lot in the hanging up from good old fashioned phones that you could slam down on the hook. A lot gets lost in the translation to the cell phone. LOL Thanks for listening to me or not. Blessings to yo and me

For Belinda Emmett. Keep this one going please!!! In memory of Belinda Emmett, in appreciation of Kylie Minogue, and anyone else you know that has been struck down by cancer A handsome, middle-aged man walked quietly into the cafe and sat down. Before he ordered, he couldn't help but notice a group of younger men at the table next to him. It was obvious they were making fun of something about him, and it wasn't until he remembered he was wearing a small pink ribbon on the lapel of his suit that he became aware of what the joke was all about. The man brushed off the reaction as ignorance, but the smirks began to get to him. He looked one of the rude men square in the eye, placed his hand beneath the ribbon and asked, quizzically, This?' With that the men all began to laugh out loud. The man he addressed said, as he fought back laughter, 'Hey, sorry man, but we were just commenting on how pretty your pink ribbon looks against your blue jacket!' The middle aged man calmly motioned for the joker to come over to his table and invited him to sit down. The guy obliged, not really sure why. In a soft voice, the middle aged man said, 'I wear this ribbon to bring awareness about breast cancer. I wear it in my mother's honour.' 'Oh, sorry dude. She died of breast cancer?' 'No, she didn't. She's alive and well. But her breasts nourished me as an infant and were a soft resting place for my head when I was scared or lonely as a little boy. I'm very grateful for my mother's breasts and her health.' 'Umm,' the stranger replied, 'Yeah.' 'And I wear this ribbon to honour my wife', the middle aged man went on. 'And she's okay, too?' the other guy asked. 'Oh, yes. She's fine. Her breasts have been a great source of loving pleasure for both of us and with them she nurtured and nourished our beautiful daughter 23 years ago. I am grateful for my wife's breasts, and for her health.' 'Uh huh. And I guess you wear it to honour your daughter, also?' 'It's too late to honour my daughter by wearing it now. My daughter died of breast cancer one month ago. She thought she was too young to have breast cancer, so when she accidentally noticed a small lump, she ignored it. She thought that since it wasn't painful, it must not be anything to worry about.' Shaken and ashamed, the now sober stranger said, 'Oh, man, I'm so sorry mister.' 'So, in my daughter's memory, too, I proudly wear this little ribbon, which allows me the opportunity to enlighten others. Now, go home and talk to your wife and your daughters, your mother and your friends. And here,' the middle-aged man reached in his pocket and handed the other man a little pink ribbon. The guy looked at it, slowly raised his head and asked, 'Can ya help me put it on?' This is breast cancer awareness month. Do regular breast self-exams and encourage those women you love to do the same. Please send this on to anyone you would like to remind of the importance of breast cancer awareness. A CANDLE LOSES NOTHING BY LIGHTING ANOTHER CANDLE. PLEASE KEEP THIS CANDLE GOING! This one I do ask that you send on

What is your middle name? Refuse to tell What color is your mailbox? black Are you single? No Have you ever hit a deer? Thank God no Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home? from work yes. What color is your room? Paneled and wallpaper, both I think from the 50's Do you have a small driveway? no it's 2 vehicles wide Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you? depends which one What do you do first in the morning? light a cigarette What brand is your printer? The on ewith the computer I'm on now is Cannon, I have 3 others in my house and one at work. Do you enjoy fighting with people? No Is your hair naturally straight or curly? way too curly Who was your kindergarten teacher? Right, ancient history never was my strong suit. LOL What is your ringtone? Depends whoes calling, my daughter Cocaine, husband Bad Boys, etc Are you taller than your mom? only because she is shrinking What curse word do you say the most when your pissed? Depends who's around and how pissed I am, the f one comes out most. Do you like someone? I like a lot of people Do you enjoy writing in colored pens? I do especially purple. Does anything hurt on your body right now? My feet Do you often cry during a movie? If it's sad yes, funny I lagh so hard I cry. Artificial Intelligance mad me cry the most. Last phone call you received? My daughter, Julia Last text message? Julia Do you hate your life? I love my life and think others would like the freedom I have in my life. Do you get mad easily? No and that frustrates others What is your biggest pet peeve? having to pick up after others. Are you cold? Emotionally, No. Physically, no. Do any of your friends have kids? Most of them, but they are grown. Do you know anyone that is pregnant right now? Not sure she was in the hospital yesterday, could be yes or no Who should pay on the first date? Whoever did the asking. How many years older than you are you willing to date? None happily married and plan not to go into that territory again, but I'd say 10 at this point in life. Do you have any friends? Yeah I have a lot of friends as well as a lot who pretend to be friends to my face. Do you have any mean friends? Yeah when I am struggling they disappear. What is the ugliest color to wear in your opinion? Hunting Orange, and blah green Have you ever liked someone who all your friends hate? Yes, and that's when you have to stop and really look at what they are seeing! Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff, seriously? Roads, Bridges yes Cliffs not so much. Have you ever contemplated suicide? Unfortunately yes Do you scratch your ears? Who doesn't Who was the last person to hug you? My daughter What brand are the pant/jeans you're wearing right now? LOL, none!! Sitting in my jammies still!!!! How tall are you? 5' 4 1/2" What is the closest green object? My table cloth, coffee cup mouse pad and the book on my left side. Help I'm surrounded, LOL If you were born the opposite sex, what would your parents name you? Absolutely no idea!!!!! Do you want to have kids? Been there, done that, don't want to go there again at my age. What is the brightest color you're wearing? Purple and more green :0 Who is the friend you have that you would never have expected to have? All of them, My life would have kept them far away in the past. Now I guess my daughter-in-law Who do you hate the most right now? A perv named Ric What kind of car do you want? 1963 Jaguar XKE What is your favorite video game? Centapedes or millapedes Do you like your dad? He is an old hippie, and I love him even though we have not been around each other much during my life. Do you have any TV shows on DVD? Why would I. the rerun so much on t.v. I can always see them there. Are you wearing make-up? Nope Do you have a tattoo? 3, one is not finished yet but in a couple of weeks will be. Have you ever broken a pinata? Not that I recall What time is it right now? 12:30 p.m. mountain time Do you know how to draw? Know how just can't do it. My stick people look funny. Who loves orange soda? kids? Do you work a lot of hours? Much more that I should, but the question is how many hours at work do I actually work? LOL Where were you in the last 24 hours? Work, Car, home, resteraunt, Wal Mart, and Bed. Who was the last person that called you? Julia and yes this is a repeat question just worded different. Is there anything you regret? Not learning sooner in my life that alcohol and drugs don't hold answers to anything. Do you know where your family name originated from? An ancestor somewhere Is there an animal that creeps you out? Crows showing up in mass in my trees. Sometimes it feels like they are an omen. What is your favorite color ON A CAR? Teal on some, depends on the vehicle though. Do you use digital or film cameras? mostly digital Do you own an iPod? No, but something similar. Have you ever been on a charter bus? To jackpot to gamble, ohh yeah and eat. LOL Do you like going to water parks? Sometimes!

Spent the weekend camping and fishing. The lake decided to let me see that there really are fish the will bite. It was too small so I sent it home to grow up. :) At least I have hard evidence that there are fish there now. Got to spend the whole weekend with my husband and his parents. There are times that that really frustrates me. When my mom needs anything he can't do it but if his folks want help he is johnny on the spot. Resentment? Probably yeah. Oh well one more thing to work through. Went yesterday and got my new tat started. This makes 3, only one with a real gun. So far I think it is the absolute bomb. I am to go back in 2-3 weeks and get it finished. Finally one in color, and bold. When it is done I will get a pic and put it on my site. Life is looking up so far. I may start making some money at my job soon. LIke so far $50.00 a week. Oh well some is better than none. :) Hope the doc has good news for me today, like less meds and a way to deal with the neuropathy. If not oh well, a trudging we will go. Blessings to all

It was a great weekend. I didn't get to do what I wanted which was to go to aa festival in Boise, ID. I did however get to relax and get some much needed work done. This was the first weekend in a long time that my husband didn't want to go to Twin every day. I got to see my daughter and granddaughter some on Sunday and that was great. It was one of the best times I have had with them for awhile. No smart ass comments from the teenager and no uptight moments with my kid. I think they are both at a time in their lives where I have to be careful with what i say or it is either taken wrong or I stick my foot in my mouth. I seem to do this with a lot of people lately. It is not intentional, it just sort of comes out that way. I hate to have to make amends to anyone let alone family. But I get to do it alot lately. Oh well, age does not always bring wisdom. Sometimes just more determination to control and be right. Today I will start the work of merketing my new job. I hate this part it feels so weird to be out trying to basically sell my services. I read a blog this morning that helped me remember that I chose this career because it is my passion not a job. I love doing what I do as much as I used to love tending bar. They both have the same motivating factor, I get to listen to others and sometimes I can ever offer advice and help. Usually it is me who gets the most out of what I say when I stop to listen. I have been fortunate enough to have some great things happen in my life lately. I am finding time for me since I can' tdo a lot of running around. I have been given the time to reflect on the true loves in my life. I have been blessed with a couple. Both of which I would have never chosen left to my own devices, so not my type. They ended up being exactly what I needed at that time. One was the husband I lost due to his choosing Cocaine over us. It is still hard even though it has been almost 14 years now. I look back at all I learned from this and know I do not want to go back to that lifestyle and leave my family due to a chemical. The other just taught me after my husband died, when I thought there would never be another guy in my life, that I could love again. Now I have been blessed with a companion to spend my life with. My husband now is truely not someone I would have chosen. He is so the opposite of anyone I have ever had in my life. He's my fat boy and I do love him. OK my fingers have led to a new clarity and things to ponder for the day in my mindless pursuit of peace. Usually happens when I get out of the way and let a wisdom greater than mine run the show. Time to change the title. Blessings to all, and to me.

Well today was the second unpaid day on my job. I almost have the office put together. It is just so BORING. I sit in my small windowless office all day with only decorating to do. Not my strong suit by the way. I have found out that work helps me to smoke less as well as eat less. Maybe I can drop some of this extra poundage that I found in the last 2 weeks. I hope so I have to go upstairs for most things like to make copies, get what I print, as well as go the bathroom. Sucks but I guess the excersise is good for me. It seems to be helping the pain in my feet. Or maybe that is due to being able to stay on top of timing my pain meds and other meds. This is definitely a run down of how boring life can become if you let it. Overcast days do that to me. It is like a blanket of gloom that falls down over the world. It sucks the energy out of me and all I want to do is mindless actions, computer is a great one of those. I will pull out but for now it is time to go to bed I have been fighting sleepy most of the day. It is time to surrender to the feeling and get some much needed rest. The meds help with that feeling. That's the part I am not real keen on. Blessings to all from the truely free.