Some vacation this is turning out to be. I wasted my entire first day playing Command and Conquer Generals Zero Hour. I guess I am entitled to do so seeing as how much I have been working lately.
I think my parents are getting divorced. Most of this has to do with my youngest brother urinating in bottles and leaving them in his room like some twisted agoraphobic shut in. I have been getting a lot of calls from my family concerning the ordeal, which in itself is unusual because my family and I rarely speak.
Such is life I suppose.
Tomorrow I will get up early and find something constructive to do with my time....maybe....
It's strange to feel lke there is more you could be doing with your life when you are already well above the norm for your age bracket. I feel uncertain about my future and displeased with my present. Management is not all it's cracked up to be. It's time consuming and has little reward. The power I weild seperates me from my own family. Mom is always making comments about how much more than dad I make already, which results in a sad look from my father. It feels like my very existence is an insult to them.
To me, however, it is not good enough to be in this position. I still answer to someone higher up the food chain than myself and that goes against everything inside me.
I miss having someone to talk to when I get home from work. I talk to strangers about their problems all day and work and take it upon myself to resolve their issues when I am unable to do so with my own life.
I am tired.
Not literally, but in the very vague sense of the word. My physical being is exhausted and the mental part of who I am is all but destroyed.
Somehow I believe there is more to life than this. More than achievement and recognition. More than power and money and the envy of people that you encounter in your daily routine. Where is the part of my life that makes me who I am? Where is that essence of humanity that determines my net worth? It's all lost, burried beneath the mountains of paperwork in my office. I fear it was accidently stamped "Not OK to Pay" and returned to the accounts payable department to be resubmitted after the missing parts are located.
I fear I am destined to end up a hermit. My peers find me too powerful to approach and the people I would like to associate with usually seem to only be interested in a loan.
Sigh, whine and such....
-Robert
