bubblez0577's blog: "diary incerpts to know me a lil more...."

I have lost all luster, In this sanctity called life. I forgot what it meant to live, I rememeber only life as strife. I am trying to begin, Begin again anew. After all the pain and torment, The hate you continuously threw. You turned me from someone who felt, To someone who spites too much. You took away my ability to love, You tore my faith in trust. You thrust your hands into my face, As you said it was my fault in the end. You hurt our children and took their souls, You left me to help them begin to mend. How dare you for what you did to us, The pain you put us through. We now know it was not our fault, For you turned into someone we never truely knew Because in the end, after all is said and done, We can only rely on each other. We will never put the blame unto ourselves, Your torcherous hell seems to have brought whats left of us together..... So go on, leave, do what makes you happy, Dont look back to see us smile, We will not miss your torture. We will be a family now, just me, Cassidy, Daniel, and Kyle.......

"our eyes are open now and our lives will go on...our hearts are filling again and our souls will forever bond.....we have been dealt a numerous of a blow....and we will contnue to hold our heads high and leave the past below....we will survive and conquer this eternal hell.....we will move past the bad and to forget we will not dwell.....our lives were once filled with hatred and pain....my children once suffered and my mind could not be sane....now that we are together we can never be split apart....we will love one another and heal our once broken heart....we are a family and that is what we will be....i am strong enough to be mom and dad...u just wait and see...my children are becoming more than u will ever know.....they are such beautiful children and thier love for me forever will show.....they have lost so much in their short time here....but to lose again will never be ...i will never let them fear....to see savannah smile is a wish i will never receive....but to hear my childrens laughter is blessed unto me....so my dear sweet daughter....high in the heavens above....watch over ur family here and forever send ur love.....u may not be with us anymore and that i do see....but i will forver hold u in my heart my dear lil sweet pea....we miss u so much and know u will help us down this winding road.....be our eyes to see my dear help us find our stable abode.....help ur daddy find his way back to who he could be....open his heart to life and conquer his insanity.... love him my dear and watch over him too.... we may not be together but he will always be my boo.....give him strngth to heal his unstable mind......give him courage to seek help ...to see his light shine....he lvoes u too so very much u know....so show him the way and let him see ur love show.....god bless u savannah rachelle and we will never forget u. ......u are the glue that holds us together.....u r my strength and i will forever be with u......"

me being who i am....i hated the camera...it was something that made it impossible for me not to look at myself and see the disappointment that set into my soul with every flash of that tainted lens.....as of late i have posted so many pictures of myself..and every time i look into them i dont seee the disappointment and turmoil any longer...i see someone who the camera makes beauty sufonified...i see me...crazy as it sounds...noone can comprehend what is in my mind....unless they have been there too...all in all.....i was a women who was faithfully intrigued into one man for ten yrs....a man who i thought love would prevail thru every and all compications thrown our way...but in the end ...our love could not withstand the turmoil and torture....we hit bottom so many times only to pick up and start anew....but after the death of my dear daughter savannah....everything just seemed to stop curing itself....the hate grew stronger and the tears flowed faster....his anger grew intolerable and his fists stung like sharp knives on wounded flesh....now i dont blame him for it all....life jsut changed i=him in a way that we could not make right the wrongdoings given to us.....but in the end i was the one who stayed in the failed marriage as long as i did and took every last hit and vengeful scream thrown my wayuntil i jsut cldnt take ti anylonger and threw my own dismay his way for him to only walk out the door and return jsut to make me suffer a little more....fall for my good friend and lie in face as they loved in my house....as he loved me and talked of things working out and getting helpo and blah blah blah....but in the end...i was the dumb one on his stick...i was the one who believed in our ove and gave in to the temptation in his eyes.....why? i hav eno idea to this very day...but to finally say it is help in its own right.....to finally get off my chest what he has done is a step to a new me....it is far from the whole stroy of the things that happened...so much more was done and undone...but in the end...the marriage failed itself......will i ever return if he knocks on my door? NO.....i will always hold love for him nomatter what i say or do...but the pain and hurt will always succumb any emotions i have for him....he will always be my grievance for placing me and his children in the place we had to lead.....well to end this i guess i cld say tata to all...but i will jsut say...love the ones you are with....dont hurt deceive or taint the love u share....no one can say for sure what love is exactly not even I...but i have lived a life of things you could only imagine ...and i would never want anyone to end up the way i did...it is not a life to brag about...it is a life though....i am alive and my children are standing tall right by my side...holding me up when i feel im gonna fall...and lovng me when all else fails.....put it this way....when you have loved you will know it...lust and love are two different things and dont confuse them if you ever consider yourself to love.....dotn ever question ones love for you either....to question ones love for youis to say that love does not truely exist and it blackens the love you think you have for them.....i wish i could love again or at least understand the meaning of it...but the hurt i have overcome has made it impossible for me to even think of loving another...maybe someday....but for now...i am me.....and my childrens love is the only true love i believe in.....until next time...lisa anne

lets see here so much to say that my mind is like a prison of shackles and chains that begs to be set free..but in all that is needed of spilling onto this mindless contraption i call a diary.....it spins uncontrollably and i am just trying to make it all make some kind of sense before i put it into words on fine print... this past week has been a little on edge..had to do alot of soul searching and letting things pass by without a scar..i heard from the notorius "jane" once again...and hopefully wont have to again....ever...i know who it is and it kills me to think that he would do such a thing or say such harsh words of me....i have not been a perfect angel inlife ...no one can be and those that say they have ..are true liars at heart....i am who i am..i fuck up...i hold grudges...i dont pray to a god that so may love and cherish yet i despise beyond harsh reality.....i am who i am....love me or hate me in the end..ur choice..ur thought..but dont judge me before knowing me....thats the worst......anyway..."jane" pushed some buttons in me that i have not had pushed in a while now....coincidense? not anymore..i am sure and postive of who it is...and i cnat believe it could be..the things said in the message were beyond harsh and cruel...they were words that didnt make sense to me for that is not who i am and not what i do or am about......to put it lightly...it said alot of damage of me being a putppet and he is my puppet master...and to dance puppet dance...how awkward for one to say ...yet in the end normal....because of who it is...they know what to say to hurt me..to be called anything in the world is nothing to be ...but to mentioned as an unfit mother...or a whore..is wrong in its own sense...i am not perfect...especially at being a single parent...or being single in general...but i am trying..i give in to temptation as any of us do...but i am not stupid...and as far as the words that he said in the message of being "up one day down the next...a phycho path on the way to a downward spiral of chaous....." yes i do have my ups and downs..thats why i blog.....it helps release the tension in my soul.....and some days i have good ones some days i have bad...but thats me and thats what i do..dont like it? dont read it...simple as that....and the other part of the message that really hit home was the statement "keith is happy....and u r a lost soul....he is hapier now than ever..and past all the torture and prison like place u called a marriage..." obviously someone that doesnt know of what life was dealt to us thruout our marriage..and obviously someone who would not understand the meaning of two faults in one......yes he did alot worse damage to me and the kids....physically, mentally...but i was not perfect...not close to what he did....but perfect? i never would consider myself that way.....i did some wrongdoings in my past and i openly admit to them all..but what he unleashed on us...i could not comprehend doing to anyone...ever...it was beyond harsh and words could not descibe the internal scars he left with our children...and the internal and physical scars i have .......he demolished everything we were.....we are not who we once were and we never will be them again...we have changed to the point of "trusting noone but each other"....thank you keith for that.....it taught us so much about who we are and why we let him do what he did for so long.....civil ground? i cant believe i let that happen..i opened the door for him to redo what he once did..only i didnt follow him to get the gluteoned punishment....i walked the other way.....so yes...in the end i have changed....and this is one reason i am sane...this mindless internet diary...this "blog" as they call it....it helps me mend my tormented spirit...it helps me get out the wrongdoings and not take it out on my self or anoyone else..after blogging...i smile and the pressure is lifted...the peace returns...life is once again just that...life..but i still have the undying ? of "why"? why did i let him back into our lives only to redo what he once did...why did i bow down to the pressure of "a father should see his kids"...when in the end..he was never a father at all..he was nothing more that a person that watched children and complained about it....a person of hate and torment worse than my own and he will never change..noone can change my mind on that one....he is who he is and that is that...he may change for the worse...but never the better....he will always be what he is...a torturous soul that loves to keep his "loves" close and hurt them just to see the tears and the just to have the feeling of power over them...oh yes he is good at making others think he is so good...such a great guy..oh he has changed..blah blah blah..but to spend ten yrs with one person....one will know them inside and out ...or that should be the case....yet even "I" did not see that he was merely covering and shadowing the harshness till a later date..he is who he is as i am who i am....that will never change..because deep down ..no one changes..they are who they will always be,....but some just have a better way of covering it..thats why i always say...i am who i am.........i am who i once was..i am not a changed person....i still crave for the poison to take away the pain..but i choose not to get that ...i choose to vent on here rather than subside myself to illegals to get thru the night...i do what i do..and hard as it may be...i have to....i have three beautiful.....yet turmonic children that need me more than ever they are who i am..they make me whole and i would never change that...now i have to sink thru to them that what once was...is not what it has to be..everything happens for a reason.....life is what u make it not what others put onto u.....i dont know..maybe im wrong..maybe int he end "jane is right"...but i am me....i love my children i work my ass off...alone...just to get by...and life is hell...but we "deal" witht he hell left unto us.....day by day...with each other......how else....there is no other way to get by but just day by day..."the future"? not to us..that word means nothing to us....it never will anymore....we live on a 24 hr basis of meaning...we love each other day by day.....i have the scars to hold onto the past..and my children have the internal pain that consumes them and is thrown unto me...but i am strong..i have dealt with harsher of dealings...i wil get thru to them...one day i will...i didnt leave...i am still here...is a constant saying to my saviors.....every time we have our family talks....i am here..i am not leaving ..... is a constant reminder to them of my love and affection....i do what i do...for them and only for them...i know one day they will see that...i now all the hard work will pay off one day when they grow up and realize life is what it is because mom was here........mom never left..mom struggled but continued to make us smile...or at least try to.....they are who i am..they are my children ...and ill be damned if he enters ever again....ever...ever ..... ever....hate me for this..ur choice...but live with what once was...thats the only way u can judge me.....tata sweets..lisa anne