I am just writing to get some of this off of my chest.
Dad is still in the hospital and getting worse.
He is so sick and in my mind and body I know he isnt going to ask much longer. I hate to see him suffer the way he has. He is still on the ventilator and they cant get him off of it because he has attacks where he cant breathe if they lower it. They did trials and turned off the ventilator and he tolerated it for 3 hours the days he has done this. He has lost all of his muscle tone, shakes all the time, and now he has gotten an muscle twitch. He can lay there and just all at once his left side just twitches very hard. He told his nurse its like he has a shock. He had a mini stroke when he was up in the Columbus Hospital and now his left side has been pretty messed up. He has gotten up and walked like 14 steps and then back to the bed with the help of an walker.
I just dont know what to think anymore. I dont want him to suffer but I dont want him to leave me, leave us. I know I am being selfish about that but it is so hard. But if I would have to see him go downhill like he has in the last 10 months then I would say go ahead dad go to the light and remember I love you. He knows I love him. I am a daddys girl and seeing him this fragile is very hard on me. What makes matters worse is seeing mom go through this.
I have to be tough for her because no one else is usually around just us. I am scared that if something happens to him then she wont be far behind. March 1 is their 40th anniversity. March 22 it will be a year since all of this started.
I know in my heart he wont be here much longer and it just makes me want to scream. I know I will make it and I know this is just a part of life but it is so hard.
When me and mom was in the hospital yesterday we told him that the dr made an appointment with us Friday at 1 to talk with the family. He said the dr wants to pull him from the ventilator and let him die. I asked him if that is what he wanted. He said no he wanted to live. I told him I would stand behind his decision because he isnt out of his mind he knows what he wants. I asked him if he wanted to live like he has been bed ridden and he said yes he wanted to stay on the ventilator and live like that. I want him here with us but he isnt here with us on that. He is getting confused alot lately. I went through that with my grandma before she died and my grandfather did that before he died too but I dont remember that. I just hope that things change for the good this time. But I know they wont. and that breaks my heart.
Please pray, please pray for me, for my family, for my dad, and last but least, pray that this dont keep going like it has been.
Much love,
Jamie
