Sick N Twisted's blog: "DEATH BECOMES ME"

my gamertag on xbox live SICKandFEARLESS DONT BE SCARED TO DIE. LOL

So its late and I have been laying in bed these past couple nights and its been hard for me to sleep. I have so much going on that I can't seem to actually fall asleep and even when I do I wake up in the morning and I feel as if I really didn't get to rest. Anyhow the point I am about to make has to do with something I just realized. Ok so here it goes most people are going to take offense to this blog but who cares its the truth . I love you . Those 3 little words which are supposed to mean so much are so completely over rated and highly missused. See in order to tell someone you love them and truly mean it you really have to know the person . Yet some people say it and have no idea what it means and the consequences it comes with. We have all been guilty at one point or another of the mis use of I love you since it can be easily confused with lust . But seriously people how can you be sure you love someone at the end of the day when it all breaks down the majority of us have never experienced true love. See for me it's been a crazy journey and everyday I realize that life throws one more thing I need to figure out my way. I used to be such a hopeless romantic sap and things have changed to the point where unfortunately now I don't even want to say I love you to someone unless I am sure that I can live for the rest of my life unselfishly giving . I think I am not ready for this just yet , I think that most of us have no clue how to love ourselves so we desperately seek out to love someone else thinking this will help complete us and make us feel happy but in the end realize that we still have not found happiness. Hence we end up hurting only ourselves and letting someone else down. So whats the big deal with saying I love you and not meaning it If everyone does at some point or another ? well in reality the truth is there isn't too much of a problem for most of us since we learn that with time you can actually distinguish when someone truly loves you or not .But there are those unlucky few who have been so jaded in the past that trust no one and well saying I love you to them might just be their breaking point when they find out its not true. For instance people say I love you to random strangers everyday and its crazy to me . Like I was watching some shit on TV and these girls are all like OMG but I love him , Dude you don't know the guy you went on one date on a tv show you have known him for a total of 24hrs living in a house on a reality show and you all the sudden love him. Listen broads be realistic here you love his bank account !! or his fame or some shit but you sure as hell don't love him in one day you met him. This amazes me people you can't love someone you have never kissed , someone you have never laid in bed with and slept next to, someone you have never seen have a bad day a bad week a bad month, someone you have never been stuck with in a bad situation someone you have never had sex with , someone you have never touched. It's not realistic people are normal and they aren't always what they seem. A guy or girl might seem amazing to you everytime you see them they may be polished and polite but your not going home with them everyday your not experiencing their bad habits their good habits their tempers and attitudes and mood swings you don't know if they have issues with themselves because what you see is produced its all been edited on their best DATE behavior . Spend a week with someone and you will see how slowly things start to change then spend a month and little by little it gets bigger and bigger if at the end of all this you have gotten over the burping and the farting and the nasty things humans do because of our nature as beasts and you still feel as if you love the person then GOOOD for you !!! YOU DID IT but for me I really need to know someone from now on to say this . I will never say it again unless I mean it because I never thought it would make a difference but it does to that one person it will make a difference . I don't want to take it lightly anymore I don't want to say it because I am in lust.I want to say it when I am 80 and he is 82 and we hold each other tight and wait for death to come for us together because we can't live without each other. You might be attracted to someone in one day you might have amazing chemistry you might lust that person or just plainly be a fanatic but you can't love someone in one day . In order to know if you love someone for real , you have to be willing to open your heart and that person has to do the same for you . You can know someone for years before you can actually say that has happened and you have been able to really realize what love is. If you can go to sleep at night and wake up everyday and know in the depth of your soul that you would do anything for this person and that if they lost it all money, house, car ,health ,everything and you still want to be with them then you can say you love them or if you knew they were dying and they told you and you still chose to live by their side and take care of them till the day they breathe no more then you can say you love them until then don't use these words so lightly because there is nothing that hurts more than to hear these words said to you so many times or in such an easy manner that it no longer holds its precious value. In the end the only way to know someone truly loves you is with actions and even then you wont know right away. SOOoooooo point is Ladies and gentlemen Love is not to be taken lightly it takes someone a long time to really learn that they are in love with someone and until you are ready to spend the rest of your life with someone you shouldn't tell them you love them or you may just ruin a good thing. Appreciate someone more by being honest and saving the I love you for when you are sure that way people will believe in love a little more

I woke with my lips on your shoulder, chocolate-flavored in the ravishes of last night's war. At my elbow, a single wrapper: it crinkled as I stretched, and I laughed against your spine. "Darling," I murmured, my nose at your neck, "it's time to wake up." I struggled to sit, one arm still tucked under your hip, blunt nails tapping against the outside of your thigh. You sighed, still asleep, and rolled towards the edge--but you wouldn't get away so easily. Stronger now, propped and looming, I chained kisses down your side until you moaned, annoyed, rolling back into me with strong protest. My fever met yours, and I could tell by the way we matched the sheets that neither of us had recovered. Coughing into your chest, and making my own moans, I finally heard you chuckle in response. "Well," you began, voice scratchy and raw, "at least we can tell everyone we spent Valentine's Day in bed." We'd spent hours on old movies and classic cartoons, devouring truffles to chase the taste of chicken noodle soup and bitter tea. Sweating, then freezing, we weathered our chills and spoke of the flu as our common enemy, united through every sniffle. At one point we waved at the shower--which neither of us had seen in days--and decided that we never wanted to sleep on green striped sheets again. You opened your eyes and smiled, bad breath and white tongue, and I kissed you anyway. "Good morning," I said. "How do you feel?" "Like hell." I coughed my agreement. "Baby," you said, feet on the floor while you stared with longing at the toilet, "I love you." Watching you waddle like an old man to the bathroom, I knew I loved you, too. by GeneratingHype

THE NIGHT I DIED Tonight I died well it happen the way I didn’t want it to happen. It was suppose to end like this. I was happy on could nine (if there is such a thing) I was enjoying my life and everything in it. I’m so much in love it wasn’t supposed to happen to me but it did. But who was to know that she would be the death of me. I didn’t think it would be. She didn’t even know she would be either but she was. Now back to the story. There I was trying to figure out how I was going to get to there to be wit her for the rest off my life. I’ve drove myself insane trying to get there. But everything I tried didn’t work at all. Out of the blue I got some news that I had an opportunity to get the great job. I packed everything I could to take wit me up there. I left half of what I owned and left the other have for a later date. All day long I had the shadow hanging over me. I couldn’t get that feeling out of my head. Hours later has past and I got everything ready to go. Just as I got done the phone rang and it was her I was so happy to tell her bout everything I did that day. But she wasn’t herself. It was like she wanted to tell me something but she couldn’t come out and say it. But I keep on talking bout what is going on. And then she stopped me half way through it and said it’s not going to work. My heart stopped beating and shatter into millions of pieces. I didn’t say anything well she’s tells me why it’s not going to work. She said something bout how I was cheating on her. And I wasn’t at all one of my friends out the blue said that she was pregnant and it was mine. I wouldn’t even think bout cheating on her. She’s my world and everything I do is for her. I stopped talking to most of my friends just so she won’t get the wrong idea bout anything I do. But now one of them decided to break us up so she can get me. I tired everything I could to tell her that I didn’t do anything and how can I get her pregnant when she stays in another state and I didn’t have time to go there of her here. When I’m always talking to her as much as I can. But I she didn’t want to listen to anything I said. She got of the phone crying and pissed off. Over something that’s not even true. I talked to the friend that started this mess in the first place. And cussed her out and told her that we wouldn’t ever be together. I tried to call my baby back but she wouldn’t pick up the phone so I left a long message telling her I didn’t do anything she was trying to break us up. And it worked. But I’m not going to ever be wit anyone other the u. you’re my every thing and all I want to be wit for eternity. I would die if it’s over. And that sealed my fate as soon as I said that. She called me right back. Saying that I wouldn’t die if I wasn’t wit her. She paused for a minute then told me that it wouldn’t be the same if we got back together. I told her it wouldn’t be either because I would be there wit u from this day forward. No one could say I did this or did that when your always wit me. She’s was like true. But it’s still not going to workout so I’m going to work. And u wouldn’t hear anything from me again. Just as soon as she said that my eyes rolled into the back of my head my heart stopped I couldn’t breath. I hit the floor wit a loud thump. She was still on the phone calling my name. I heard her but I couldn’t respond to her. All I wanted to say to her for the last time was I love u. I didn’t think I would die as soon as I did but that’s life for yea. I wanted to grow old wit her have kids together and watch them grow up and there kids arrive to the world. Then I would go but I didn’t even leave my seed or mark on this world. But I leave to go to a better place and maybe one day I can start over and find her again but who knows but my life is over. I’ll always remember the exacted time and date that I died. Sick & Twisted FEBRUARY 10 2008 5:15AM

As I sit in the corner thinking bout her and what she means to me. She’s my whole life and I can’t see myself wit anyone but her. I don’t want anyone else I can’t be wit anyone else it’s going to be unfair for them to compare to her. I need to stop thing right now and try to wait to see how everything plays out but I cant help but to think to hurt myself I scratch and clawed at myself hard enough to make myself bleed. But it still not enough I want the pain to go away but I can’t make it go away. I cried too much that my eyes a blood shot red and my head hurt so much. I cant sit here anymore I walked to the kitchen and looked around wit this blank stare trying find something to do more damage to myself but I cant but I need this pain to go away. So I grabbed the bottle of pills on top of the fridge. Oh wait I’ve been down that road before. And I could do something else that won’t kill me but just enough to hurt and reminded me not to do it again. I reached out for the knife and started from the elbow just to the mid point of my forearm. Damn that’s feels good the pain helps my other pain go away. I carved in my arm a few more times but the fuck I’m bleeding everywhere now. And it wont stop I’m feeling woozy. I got to get it to stop soon before this kills me. Damn I should’ve thought this out more but to late. I really need this to go away soon. I wish I didn’t do this or have to do this but it’s my doing. It’s starting to get dark in here. Oh man I’m dying. Damn its pitch black in here and I swear I left the light on. Man fuck I’m dead. Can someone wake me up now hello I know someone’s there save me please. Fuck no ones listening to me now. I’m sorry guys I fucked up and killed myself even though u might not hear me say this but I sorry I killed myself and if I could’ve do it all again I wouldn’t kill like I have. But it’s too late now I’m gone its ok if yall well never forgive me I understand. I love u all and I’ll miss being able to talk to everyone every again. Bye for now or until we meet again From Sick & Twisted

AS I LAY HERE ON THE FLOOR BLEEDIN FROM CUTTIN MY WRIST I WONDER IF THE PAIN REALLY WENT AWAY FROM MY HEART BEIN TORN IN 2. I WONDER IF SHES THINKIN BOUT ME. WONDERING IF SHE CARES ENOUGH TO MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY. WORNDERING IF SHE CAN BRING ME BACK TO LIFE.I WONDER IF THE PAIN WAS REALLY WAS REALLY THERE A THOUGHT THAT I MADE UP IN MY MIND. A THOUGHT OF IMPULSE TO MAKE MY LIFE MORE BEARABLE, OR TO MAKE IT MEANING FULL. DO I EVEN EXCISTS IN THE BIG WORLD? FOR A MINUTE THERE MY HAPPIENESS WAS BEYAWND ANYTHING I COULD THINK OF. BUT I STILL LAY HERE ON THE FLOOR BLEEDING FROM MY CUTS BUT STILL I WANT TO FEEL MORE PAIN. IM STARIN TO LOVE THE PAIN BUT YET I NEED TO LET THINGS GO AND DEAL WIT THINGS THE BEST WAY I KNOW HOW NOT TO CARE BOUT IT. BUT I STILL LAY HERE ON THE FLOOR BLEEDIN AS I TRY TO PICK MYSELF OFF THE FLOOR. FOR A SEC THERE I THOUGHT I SEEN HER STANDIN THERE INFRONT OF ME REACHING OUT FOR ME. BUT IT’S JUST AND ILUSSION A DISCONTINUED HOPE, OR DREAM THAT WONT EVER BE REAL, OR TRUE. I TREAT MY WOUNDES I THINK TO MYSELF Y DO THIS IS THIS WORTH IT. WAT IF EVERYTHING I’VE DONE EVEN REAL. DID I DREAM THIS? JUST AS I LOOK DOWN AT MY ARM AND REALIZED THIS IS NOT A DREAM. I SCREAM FROM THE TOP OF MY LUNGES. SCREAMIN FOR HELP BUT NO ONE COMES TO HELP ME. I PICK UP THE PHONE TO CALL 911. BLOOD IS EVERYWHERE ON THE PHONE AND THE SINK AND THE FLOOR IN THE BATHROOM. I GET HELP BUT IM INCHS FROM DYIN. THIS IS MY FAULT I DID THIS TO MYSELF. I SEALED MY FATE. SO IF I SERVIVE THIS THEN SOMEONE WAS WATCHIN OVER ME BUT IF NOT THEM I LEAVE MY FINAL WORDS. BE REAL TO URSELF NEVER FALTER ALONG THE WAY ENJOY WAT U CAN LIFES TO SHORT EVEN IF U TAKE UR OWN LIFE IN THE END. REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES AND THE BAD THEY MADE U WHO U ARE .SOMEONE WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER U FOR SOMETHING OR THE IDOIT THAT KILLED HIMSELF. BUT THEY REMEMBER U. LOVE EVERYTHING U DO AND THE PEOPLE IN UR LIFE AND THOSE THAT WERE THERE THAT FADED AWAY OVER THE YEARS. I’LL SEE U ON THE FILP SIDE SICK AND TWISTED