TrippToy's blog: "dear alchohol"

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours. As my
friend,
you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you’re even around at the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates, as you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst
of endless family gatherings. However, lately I’ve been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion that any
conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2am. Why would
you make me call those
ex-boyfriends or potentials when I know for a fact they don’t
want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2.
Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that
I eat a frozen burrito, along with leftover spaghetti and some stale
chips (washed down with boxed wine & topped off with a Kit Kat
after a few cheetos and a spoon full of peanut butter)? I’m an eclectic
eater, but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me that I need to do
more
yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by
causing me to fall down. It’s completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are
beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to
get the key into the front door lock!

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting
ridiculous.
I know a little penance for our previous evening’s debauchery may be in
order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My
entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken
(water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep
(passing out) face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,
the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily
activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some
years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms.
You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much
laughter, and the needed companion when I just don’t know what to do
with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this
friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above &
address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you.