comedyguy's blog: "Darrin's rantings"

Went to my local neighborhood BW3 the other night to have a burger and watch the game, big surprise - WWE Pay Per View party going on!!! Yee freakin’ hah! Every damn TV - nothing but oiled up freaks shouting at each other and rolling around in completely non-gay ways. So I figured instead of leaving - what better time to mess with a room full of drunk, brain-dead wrestling fans. I found if you really want to piss them off, wait until the guy on their T-shirt is rasslin, walk up and say you saw that guy in a gay porn last week. And apparently people could vote online for who they wanted to see fight, which took forever, since most trailer parks still only have dial-up access. I thought - wow, there actually is something more lame to vote on than karaoke singers on a lame reality show. Now I’ll admit - I used to like wrestling… and then I turned 6. Really, how long can you sit and watch people NOT hit each other? I haven’t seen that total lack of hitting since this year’s Nebraska defense. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I slammed a couple Jager shots, grabbed the master remote, turned every TV to ‘Desperate Housewives’, and ran like hell.

Another real 'rock star' night on the road for me in good ol' Muskogee, Oklahoma - first of all, you know it's bad when the hotel has you staying in a Motel 6. What's worse is when that Motel 6 is clear across town from the club, and you have to drive past 12 other, better hotels on the way. The club says "show starts at 8:30, be here at 8", so of course when I get there at 8 - no one there! Just the owner and someone sitting at the bar that looks like a chubby 16-year old boy. That crappy dud of a poker movie 'Lucky You' is playing on every TV, and luckily for me, had just started. What's worse - it's hooked up so that it has to be on EVERY SINGLE TV! The other comic gets there, thinks the person at the bar is quite young too, and says - "Is your dad here?" To which they (s)he replies - "I'm 23, I'm the bartender." Oops. So I play along - "Hey son, get me a beer then." "That would be daughter." Oops again. Still no customers there, when asked, the bartender says - "the regulars usually roll in after 9." So why the hell did you tell us we start at 8:30??!! "We were hoping." the first patrons arrive - a 40ish couple, already drunk, playing a game of pool in between making out and groping like a couple teenagers trying ecstasy for the first time. A few others start to roll in, and everyone is riveted by the movie, somehow not completely bored that it's just 90 minutes of watching other people play cards. The restrooms aren't marked MEN or WOMEN, and when I ask which is the men's room, I almost expect to hear - "It's the one without the hidden camera." Finally, the movie ends, and enough people are there to start the show, so our 8:30 show begins promptly at 9:45. The only spotlight is a pure red french fry light, that makes it look like we're standing behind someone's car with the brakes on. But the best part of the night - back at the motel, hoping to nuke some popcorn, I find a moldy hot pocket in the microwave - mmmm. For all those who didn't think a Hot Pocket could become anything worse than a Hot Pocket, the universe has proven us wrong once again.

Welcome to Hays, KS - a small town right in the middle of nowhere; the kind of town that made Dorothy and Toto yearn to take the first tornado out of here. Doing a show in a hotel, and the fine treatment from the people in charge is top notch - dare to ask anyone if the comics get even a slight discount on food or drinks, and the answer is always "Your room is free." Like no other show in the country comes with a room, we should bow down and thank them for that. Being a restaurant/bar, the front tables are all stuffing their faces during the show, but hey - there was a black cowboy with a broken hand there, maybe he got in one too many fights for being the only black cowboy in Kansas. I went up the street to another bar afterward - a karaoke bar that obviously used to be a strip club, based on the half-circle row of chairs directly surrounding the stage and DJ booth. The first local Idol-wannabees I see is the intriguing combination of a goth chick and a one-legged cowboy in a wheel chair singing Ozzy and Lita Ford's 'Close My Eyes Forever.' This irresistible combination of talent and song chosen of course inspires people to get up and slow dance to them. After an hour or so in here, I was outside trying to hitch a ride on the next possible tornado.

It’s hard to deal with the 21 year olds at the clubs once you get past thirty. It’s like a different language sometimes - I was talking to this cute girl, she mentioned Hot Topic, I thought she wanted to talk about global warming. I tried buying her a drink, and she got mad because I didn’t know the names of her favorite bands. She said - “Hey Tool, you’d better Fall Out Boy or there’s going to be Panic At The Disco, my Big & Rich Gym Class Heroes are going to No Doubt kick your Black Eyed Peas, so here’s your Nickelback, you Outkast, crawl on back to your Linkin Park in your Ludacris Plain White T.” But I’m from the 80’s, so I’m not going to put up with that. “Listen Cinderella, there’s no Warrant for you to be such an Iron Maiden, maybe your Motley Crue Culture Club of Beastie Boys is down with your Poison Twisted Sister Vixen act, but the Police are going to have to stop the Slaughter if you, your Madonna complex, and your ugly friend Toto too don’t hop back in your Starship and Journey back to Chicago or Boston or Europe or even Asia for all I care!!” And then she went Wham!, right in my Wang Chung.

You ever try complimenting someone by telling them they look like a celebrity, and they have no idea who you’re talking about, but you keep trying until you finally break down and call them a social retard? That’s a great way to meet women. I was talking to this girl last night - Wow, you look a lot like Sandra Bullock. “Who?” You know, Sandra Bullock, the actress. “Who?” You know, ‘Miss Congeniality’, ‘Premonition’, ‘While you were Sleeping.’ “Huh?” You know - ‘Speed?’ ‘Speed 2 - Cruise Control?’ Have you seen ‘Speed 2 - Cruise Control?’ Have you ever been to a movie, have you ever seen a movie, have you ever been out of your house before tonight, you stupid whore?! Hey, where are you going? You look a lot like Julia Roberts when you’re mad. “Who?” - Everyone gets told they look like celebrities, and it’s usually an attractive celebrity - women get told they look like Julia Roberts, not Eric Roberts. You never hear - you know who you look like - Gollum. I don’t know why, but people keep telling me I look like Steve Carell. Funny guy, but hard to be a rock star and hope to get lucky after the show when people think you’re the ‘40-year-old Virgin.’ I think I’ll just go back to the hotel and play with my action figures again.

I can’t believe when you meet someone, some people still ask ‘what’s your sign? ‘What’s your sign?’ - how dated is that? Going to ask me if I was at Woodstock too, hippie? It’s stupid - like everyone born within an entire month of me is exactly the same. I was talking to one girl - every bit of conversation would go straight back to that. “You like movies , you drink Miller Lite, you wear a watch? - That is so Scorpio. Looking like you want to slap me to shut me up - totally Scorpio.” Stop saying that! She was so annoying…. I almost didn’t sleep with her. Then the next morning - “Are you going to call me?” Well, I would, but you know us Scorpios.

Valentine’s Day is coming up again, or VD, as it’s known. Is there a more “unfair” holiday around? Every commercial - “If you love your girl, buy her flowers, buy her diamonds, buy her a freakin’ Lexus!” Wait a minute - what do guys get in return for all that? I know what you’re thinking - blowjobs - but those aren’t for sale, so the undercover cop told me. You ladies say you love equality, I say we start here. I want to see some commercials for guys - “Every kiss begins with… Kenwood Home Theater systems.” “Nothing says forever like… new golf clubs.” I want to see a romantic, candlelit Best Buy ad - couple on a couch, he looks bored with her ‘til she pulls out…. A new Playstation 3! “You do love me! I am so doing your dishes later.”