Moon GODDESS VP HATER NATION's blog: "Daily Grind"

Thankfully I have moved into an apartment. Its small but its better than living in the car. Once I had gotten a little settled and things stopped being so hectic, I realized what I have lost. Emotionally I have lost the ability to sleep for more than 2 hours without waking the kids up because I have began to scream or yell in my sleep. Physically I have almost healed, I will never have a fingerprint on my ring finger only a really odd scar pattern. ( Jason... the whole robbing a bank thing is still outta the question *wink* ) There is still a pretty deep area on my thumb that hasn't healed completely, but that is due to it being on the bend of the knuckle. The burn on my leg, which incidentally looks like a cresent moon (FREAKY I AM TELLIN YA!) has become infected and I have to go and have it cleaned out. That is no party. Finacially (like I wasn't strapped before) its a nightmare. I did get a couch so we aren't sitting on the floor. I have a really nice airbed that a friend of a friend donated to us. I have a towel so that we can take a shower and dry off. That whole drying off with toilet paper... not a good thing TRUST ME on that one, LOL. But seriously, I know that I haven't been in touch with a lot of my friends here and I am sorry about that. I have been trying to get in contact with agencies around the area to help us. We have no sheets, 2 blankets, and 28 washcloths (cause they were on sale at Wal-Mart. A church in the area and my second adopted mother have filled my kitchen with plates, silverware, and pots & pans. I feel like old mother hubbard cause the food doesn't last that long. ANYHOW! enough whining and woe is me. If any of you are interested still in helping, I do finally have a donation account set-up. I don't like to beg, really I don't. But if there is a chance that anyone could spare a few dollars I will give you the information. Should you want to send any goods my way I will give you that information also. Contact me for all of that. Please know also, that anyone who truthfully knows me, knows that I will always be the first one to step up and help out my friends in any way that I can. And knowing me, you should all know how hard it is for me to even ask for help at all. Mostly cause I am a stubborn redheaded MICK. Thanks for caring. Heather

For those of you that haven't heard yet.. and actually care about me, Two nights ago I fell asleep with a candle burning and it set my bed on fire. Within moments the whole room was engulfed in flames. My daughter heard me scream and grabbed the dog and threwher out the window. Then grabbed her brother and made sure that he got out of the window and then dove out of the window. She then ran back around the house to make sure that my parents were awake and that they made it out of the house. (I lived with my parents to help take care of my father since he had a stroke.) The room was so filled with smoke that while I was trying to put out the fire I didnt see that the kids made it out the window. Fearing that my children were still in the roomn ..I attempted to pull the blankets back off the burning bed to make certain that they were alive. In doing so I received second degree burns on my right hand and right leg and first degree burns on both of my arms and my face. I am normally a person that doesn't ask anyone for help. But if anyone should feel the need to do that, as of tommorow we will have a donation account up and running. I will give the information out if anyone is interested. Thanks for taking the time to read this, and thank you to all of you who have already show their love and support of me and my family. Thanks again, Moon

Ok .. so I get bored a lot on fubar. So I do that "BORED" thing and random rate. I rated everyone for a while but the truth is that even when rating the gals on here ... they are way harsh if they think you look better than they do. So I started rating just the men. On an average night there are a little over 55,000 people on here... I am sure the majority are women. However why is it that when you do that random rating shit ... it keeps bringing you back to the same 6 pics over and over. If I didnt' rate them the first time a second look isn't going to change my mind. I was just wondering if it was just me?

Hello one and all. Yes you all know that I am still breathing. Many of you know that I went in today to h ave a couple of procedures done. They didn't find what they were hoping to find. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing just yet. On Tuesday I have to go back and have a YET ANOTHER test done. Hopefully this will give a clearer picture of what we are working with. They took biopsies today and the pathology won't be back on those until the middle of next week sometime. So far now this is all I know. And now you are up dated.

OK for those of you who talk to me on a daily basis you pretty much know the ins and outs of what has been happening. This is for those who kind of care about me and wonder where in the hells I have been, heard I have been sick. Or were possibly secretly hoping that I have fallen off the face of the earth. Yes I have truly been very sick. What started off as having a couple of really killer migraine headaches has turned into something more serious. All joking aside I am very sick. To quote Arnold "It's not a tumoa" meaning I do not have a brain tumor. While I was having problems with my head I was also having a couple of stomach issues that I thought were no big deal. Apparently that is what I get for thinking. I pushed them to the back of my mind and didn't give them much thought... I attributed not being able to eat to having the migraines and didn't even think about it. After two weeks of not being able to keep anything solid in my system however I started to get a bit worried. Then the real trouble began. For about three days the only thing I could eat was broth and drink was water. This was ok other than the fact that once it got past my throat it turned to razor blades. Once again for those of you who know me well.... then you know that I am stubborn and refuse to be beaten by anything. So I accepted the fact that this was happening and waited for it to pass. It didn't. It began to get worse and I got to the point where is was so painful that it order to drink water I had to lay on the bed panting for 20 minutes afterwards because of the amount of pain I was in. After being berated on the phone for two days by my sister Julie about taking better care of myself , I was "convinced" that I needed to go into the ER and be seen. By convinced I mean that my family conspired behind my back and basically kidnapped my ass and made me go. I am happy that they did. I found out that I was really very sick and wouldn't have lasted a lot longer if I hadn't gone and been seen. I have a Hiatal Hernia, which for those of you who don't know is where the upper part of the stomach comes up through the diaphragm where your esophagus enters your stomach. The opening is only large enough for your esophagus so there is a lot of pain involved and it causes some of the acids from your stomach to be forced back up through your esophagus (acid relfux.) I also have Pancreatitis this is a condition that causes the pancreas to over produce a certain stomach acid ... which because of the hernia is forcing more of that into my esophagus. I also have Gastritis that is caused by a bacterial infection that I have. And lastly I have had a Gall Bladder or Gall Stone attack. What all of this is coming to is that I will soon be having at least one if not two surgeries to repair the damage to my stomach. I have had little energy lately to be online. I just wanted to let those who cared know that I was still alive and at least twitching my limbs a bit. When I have energy I will be around. I will keep everyone updated.

I am flabbergasted. I have spent a great deal of time building walls and mazes to shield my heart from getting broken. Along comes a man, for whatever reason walked right through all of those and melted places in my heart that hadn't ever seen the light of love. Wholly I put my trust in this man. I believed it when he told me that he loved me ... that he had never known a love like mine before. That his greatest wish had been realized, a true love and a great mate for the rest of his days. Yet here I sit not a scant few moments of life later. Holding the pieces of my broken heart. As I peer into that abyss, its seems that all of the color has drained out of my life again. I have already begun to doubt my worth.

Ok ... those of you that have spoken with me at length know somewhat of what I deal with. Sometimes it is easier to put down how terrible you are feeling and maybe it can be a catharsis to help ease the strain. I feel like some awesome force of nature has chosen me to rage upon. The nights creep by every moment an eternity. Waiting, hoping for the winds to shift and this to pass. Lying there staring at the ceiling terrified to move. Unbidden the tears exude from my eyes. I can not stop the flow. Each ragged breath I take causes a cascade of agony. The passage of time does little to assuage or comfort me. I long for a bygone time when the simple pleasures in life were enjoyable. I abhor the wretchedness of this affliction. I aspire that there is some indiscernible way to emerge from this to the light on the other side. To once again be able to function like a sanctioned member of society. To not be shackled by habitual anguish.

Being a mother I have tried to raise my children to have respect for all people. They can be rambunctious at times... but when we are in public they listen. Today I am out shopping, there is a boy about the same age as my son pushing the cart while his mother shops. The mother is walking through the aisles and choosing this and that at random. Meanwhile her son is drag racing the cart up and down the aisle. Hitting a top speed of 12.53 miles an hour... the kid rams the cart into my spine. I have a bad back to begin with. So that kind of jolt knocked me to the floor. This was not a pleasant feeling what so ever. The thing about this whole situation that galls me the most is, she considered it my fault. I am laying on the floor and she comes up to me and says "You know.. you really should watch where you are going from now on and look out for people pushing carts." Not one word to her son. She did not reprimand him for his actions... nor did she apologize. People wonder why kids act the way that the do? There is the poster family! If I wouldn't have worried about getting arrested I would have tanned that kids ass myself.

There is a reason that pain rhymes with insane. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Chronic pain is an issue that I deal with. Most days it is like an insect buzzing around my head, slightly annoying but manageable. Bad days feel like a gorilla has put on a pair of 8" stiletto heels and is dancing the Lord of the dance on my lumbar area. Riverdance and Clogging are not things that need to be done to a spine. They say (who ever THEY are) that that which doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. To quote another over used cliche, I now believe that I CAN carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. At least on a day like today it feels as though it is already there. Most people looking at me would probably not notice my "handicappedness" (other than of course the occasional firing on blonde moments) I look normal (whatever that is.) Most days I walk normally. I suppose that could be why most people don't understand why I don't work. I just don't look "Hurt" enough. When a "BAD" pain day rolls in like a storm across the water. it becomes apparent that there really is something not quite right. I start walking like I was ass raped by something the size of a football. This is a time when everyday things that are normally taken for granted become virtually impossible. Simple things.... like putting on pants feel like someone yanked the rip-cord and the air gets caught in the chute. I will spare the analogies of trying to get up and down off the toilet. Seriously, I would take childbirth over this pain. At least with childbirth there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is an end to the pain. What bothers the the most about having chronic pain issues is all the "tap dancing" I have had to do. Every agency that I deal with wants a definitive diagnosis. There isn't just ONE there are several. The people that I meet with of course see me on a low end pain day. So once again I look like a quasi-normal person. They tend to believe that I am being a hypochondriac. Trying to dodge being a responsible adult. Yeah I love the fact that I can only pay one bill a month because I have to buy "unnecessary" things like toilet paper and tampons. I adore going to the grocery store and having to use my bridge card. Even the cashiers look at you like a lazy person when you have one of those. Let me also mention that the "insurance" that I have is so dedicated to helping me. It doesn't cover the "good" pain clinic where they actually listen to you and try to help you. I get to go to the Ghetto pain clinic. There the only time I get to see an actual MD is when I get shots. Normally I am stuck with the PA that has no personality. I would now like to tell a joke..... pain management. The only thing I manage to get from that is a headache trying to find a pain killer that will actually help and is covered by my insurance. Still waiting for the punchline? So am I.