AriesAphrodite's blog: "Current Thoughts"

Do we push away the things we have for the things that we want? Do we take things we don't want to keep things that we need? Do we give and see ourselves as gods because of it? I am guilty of the second. There is speculation about the first. And I know of someone who I have caught red handed doing the last. Can this person refuse to believe in God yet still build themselves in His image? I am not overly religious or anything. I am not a Bible-thumping anything but sometimes another person's actions can shine a light on the faith I do have. Do you make promises just so someone can believe you and you can have the satisfaction of letting them down? I know many who get off on hurting other people. How tricky they are with their deceit. So masterful. There is no switching in something like that. And karma may come through but perhaps not in a timely fashion. While I may not seek my own vegeance I still want to witness it crashing down on someone who caused me pain before I die. Okay okay enough with the specualtion bullshit. I am ready to move onto happier things. Things that may still cause me frustration yet put a smile on my face during the struggle. Temptation. I really like that word. It feels dirty. I feel like I should be wearing garters and stilletoes when I say it. But temptaion can be a dangerous thing. There is the slightest chance that it can lead to something wonderful with no ill consequences. But nine times out of ten you bite the apple and fuck up yourself and the whole human race. But if I don't go for it I will always wonder. And I will never know. I hate not knowing. The fear wants to keep me blanketed and away from the temptation but the hope pushes me closer to it because this could be it. But really, if I don't reach for temptaion all I will be able to do is to sink back into the specualtion. And although misery loves company I refuse to join the pitiful lot stuck in that hole. I know I know. What the hell am I talking about right? The thoughts in my head swirl about and come out in odd shapes and words but I know what it means so it's all good. Lately the water has gotten less murky. The weather has cleared. And after bouts of crying I can take clean, deep breaths. Don't take this away from me. I need it. Don't give me back what was breaking me. I don't want it.

I know the saying. You made your bed now lie in it. And I did! And it was one of the worse sleeps I have ever had. I tried to pull the covers over my head but the monster still got me. It held me close and whispered things in my ear that chilled me to my toes. And when I tried to fight back my cries were unheard and my defense was something incredibly pathetic. I hated my mother for a long time. I did. But now I understand. And while I will never be like her in some ways, in other ways we are just alike. She held my hand on rare occassions and whispered advice to me about the monster. I was stupid though, naive and young. I refused to listen. But now I see that she was right. I owe her an apology. The dance was new to her but the steps were familiar. I have found that I cannot slightly dislike anyone anymore. Now my disgust forms like something dark and sticky until it tries to manifest itself as something violent. Yes, a violent dislike. And I stupidly supress it. I let it blossom into the ugliest flower ever. It will probably end up becoming a tumor and killing me before I am thirty. Which brings me to my next point. I know your ailment. I recognize the symptoms. I held out hope that you would get better but now I am just ready to pull the plug. You still cannot hold my hand but I will stay and watch just to know that it is over. How horrible is it that I do not want to tell you the good in fear that you will poison it with something bad? I guess there can be love without trust... Do I give it too easily? I wasn't completely honest. Some of these fears I cling to are a result of you and I. I was not okay with it but I was willing to let it continue until I slept in that bed. But not anymore. I am ready to sleep alone now in a bed I make alone but do not have to share. But what do I know? I could not possibly be right if you are involved. So read these words but hear what you want. Say the same things that I do but just for yourself and then call me a hypocrite. But it is not a secret anymore. I know. I am not sure who I can tell who either does not already know or can do something about it. I just wanted you to know that you are not as stealthy as you thought. Your feet are big and your steps are clumsy. I may lay in the dark with my eyes closed but I know you are there... Why do you think I refuse to open my eyes? I am afraid of what you will see there. It will either be a fierce loathing or quiet tears. And I know you will ridicule me for either. I gave you my secret and now I have yours. But you still will not call it even. Can you put your arm around that cold happiness and pull it close? I thought I was ready to surrender but now I have something to prove and someone to save... me.

I got called an angel today so yeah I am feeling a little high and mighty. But I am also just tired. For every one thing that goes right a million other things go wrong. I have such thin skin. I feel maybe more than others... I definitely care more. I take what someone says literally and seriously. I don't mind a two-way street. In fact I prefer it but why does it always seem like my side of the street is paved with potholes and garbage? Right now someone's thoughtless words have me feeling like everything is going away from me. What an awesome power that person has. To make me feel like shit and not even care about it... kudos to you. But that is just one person! So why am I hung up on it? Because even though I have some annoying qualities, I still cannot deal with the annoying qualities of others. I see the good. I appreciate the good. But just a spoonful or in this case a fucking gallon of badness can swallow the good and make it... nothing at all. Just because the word love is present does not mean I am going to ignore the bullshit. And there is so much of it! I hate bullshit because it causes me to think furiously. And then I make rash decisions. But maybe that will be for the better in this case. You don't have to hold my hand in the street anymore. I can cross blindfolded and still make it. Your palms are sweaty and make me feel... too many things. This may all be swept under the rug soon but I will never forget it. Watch me smile, hear me laugh, breathe easy. Pull your false sense of security and satisfaction around you tight. But I will not forget. I still love you... that is probably why it hurts so much. Too bad you don't even give the slightest bit of a damn.