The sound of a heart breaking
Current mood: drained
Category: Blogging
Oddly enough, it is not a ripping sound, it is not a tearing sound, it is a sob.
First, well, not really first, but I have finally confirmed what I always knew, my ex wife admitted to having several affairs while we were married and while I was deployed. She asked forgiveness, which I gave because I felt more sorry for her than anything else. No, that was not the cause of my heart breaking. Old girlfriend has a new boyfriend, who will likely marry her and they will be happy.
I heard it then. At first, I didn't recognize the sound or where it was coming from until I realized it was me. How strangely disconnected one can be. Sure, it is not the starving of Sudan or the death rattle of a soldier, it was just me crying. Something that I haven't done since my grandfather passed in 92. I don't care if you are reading this saying what a woose. Fuck you if you are.
These last few days have been brutal on me and without dear friends, I would not have made it. Yesterday was pills and booze. Today was staring down the barrel of a .380 auto. Every day hurts. Promises are made and broken. I had a really awesome friend asked me if I wanted to be Jesus and assume everyone's sins and be that guy to sacrifice himself. I knew what she was driving at. You know, I have no idea who reads this crap. I see hits all the time. Stop and say something. Life is full of anonymous people. Don't be one.
Today, my spirit died. I hope it is a phoenix. I need it to be. I am sure that tomorrow all will be better ...well...hell...it is tomorrow.
I wish that I could turn back time (thanks Cher). I really do. I have done very little good in this world and lost more friends than I have gained. I guess that it is a waiting game. 40 years down and about 25 to go. Why do I feel like they will be spent in solitary confinement. Well, at any rate. I got a new nose to look at. That ought to count for something.
