Kmagnus's blog: "Coping"

Just a couple more weeks and I'll be back regularly. It's been a while and I miss all my friends and fam, but things are good for me once again and I am in a happy place. See you all soon Peace and love

It's been a few days, but that was intentional. I wanted to get the feel of living with her again. I can hardly say things are great, but they are far from bad. It's strange after all the fighting and drama we have managed to stay very civil to one another. I guess after the first night, I realized that as much anguish as she put me through she honestly regretted it. She hasn't come out and said those exact words, but her demeanor towards me has changed. I want to talk to her about some things but I don't want to break the peace. I want to ask her why. I want to ask her if it was worth it? I want to ask her if she still doubts that I loved her or still do. I don't want her to think I am trying to say "I told you so.", I just want to know the answers to those questions. I know it sounds like she is a horrible person from what she has done, but she isn't. She is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met. She is really a good person with a big heart, I think she just got scared and flipped out when I confronted her. I don't know really. All I know is she fucked up a lot of things and is trying to make them right. I let her know I can forgive her, but I can never forget what she did to me, and it's true. I wont ever forget her...the good and the bad. I look in on her every now and then and I can see it in her body language and her actions that she feels that I hate her, and I probably should, but I don't...I can't...I love her still, seeing her down and needing to be comforted hurts my heart. I want to hold her but I can't, I don't want her to take things the wrong way. I want her to know that I am where I always have been, right here for her. I know it sounds like I am falling for her again but that's not it. I never stopped loving her. I am moving on, I found someone that makes me happy and I am going to see where that leads. I told her about everything that's going on and she understands and knows I am just trying to maintain. She lifts my spirits when they start to get down, and she doesn't pressure me into anything. She is patient and knows that I need some time right now to get things straight and understands that friendship is all this ever may be.

Alright, last night was the moment of truth, she moved her stuff back in, and it went very well. We talked and there were no harsh words said, by either one of us. I explained how I felt I had been treated and she listened. She explained why she did what she did. (Didn't make much sense to me but then she said she didn't understand why herself) So I helped her set up some stuff and we went to our separate beds. She was up most of the night coughing, and sice I couldn't really sleep anyway I went and bought her some NyQuill. Seeing her sick as she is, and let me tell you she is almost as sick as I have ever seen her, well it made me feel bad for her. Here she is in very poor health telling me she hasn't really eaten in about two weeks, she looks like hell, and sounds worse. I got to thinking about the whole thing, she went and did all this stuff to try and fill some void and it all blew up in her face. Her new b/f went back to his baby's mother and basically left her exactly how she was trying to leave me. Alone and with nowhere to go. Now she comes back knowing that she fucked up and there is no undoing the damage she has caused. I care about her, but not like I used to. Now it's no different than I would anyone else. I don't like seeing anyone sick. No more no less. I'll do little things like buy her some medicine, but anything more than that is not really my concern. In some ways I wish this had never happened, so I wouldn't have had the ups and downs, the heartache and who am I trying to kid the rage I felt. On the other hand I have since met some real cool people because of it. I learned more about about myself, I learned more about other people and how far they are willing to go to get what they want. I don't feel guilty for looking at other women and thinking they would be more fun to have sex with because they might want to actually try something different and even put forth some effort and enthusiasm. I am feeling free again, myself and best of all happy again. I look myself in the mirrorand I am liking the guy that's looking back at me again, and that's all that counts.

Alright yesterday was what I hope to be the final major twist in this soap opera. She has managed to get the car reposessed. There will e no getting it back. I am out a ton of cash sucks because it would have been paid off in November, but I do find it a little ironic that whatever plan she tried blew up in her face. It sucks and I am now without a vehicle, but I have friends that already said they will help me until I can get another one Now for the twist she got me served a judge ordered writ that states that she will be living here until the end of the lease, which thanks to her is the first. I went out and found a new apartment that I had planned on moving into by then, but I didn't plan on her moving back in here at all. Although I am dreading her coming back, I am not sad, angry or anyhing other than shocked that she had a judge order served to me. That is fucking nuts. Anyway I appreciate the support and love I have gotten form my friends and fam here on FUBAR. You are all amazing and wonderful people and know that should you ever need me I am here for you. Peace and love.

So just when I think I have some leverage I find out that she has managed to get my name off of everything. So legally I have no rights to the car anything. So now I am more then fucked. It's cool karma will get her, I am in a surprisingly good mood despite it all. I think it's because I know that somehow I will see myself through this and I will be a better person for enduring this. I want to be hateful, but I can't. I have only been able to tell her the truth about how I feel. I didn't yell, I didn't cuss her out I simply stated where that leaves me and how I feel about her actions. I have to say why she is doing this confuses me. That's all I want to know is why and that seems to be the one question I ask her that she has no answer for.

Well, I had been doing pretty damn good if I do say so myself, feeling awesome about myself. Gaining my self-confidence back. All in all I was doing great. Just 45 minutes ago my ex calls. We had been making small talk not talking about anything important. Then she starts talking about how she feels that since she made a car payment today and that her name happens to be on the title with mine that she should get to keep the car. Now some of you know that I am going to have to basically be homeless for a couple weeks until I can save enough money again to be able to afford my own place. Seeing as how I just pent every last penny I had saved about five months ago investing in a future with her. I am letting her keep everything. The apartment, the dishes, all the electronics, even the ones I owned before I met her. All I am taking is my clothes, the couches and the car, but she has decided that it's hers too and that she is entitled to it and that she should be able to do whatever she wants with it. So she did some underhanded stuff and basically if she doesn't have possession of it, it will get repoed. Now seeing as how I had been sort of planning on living in it until I got back on my feet it leaves me truly fucked. Yet me telling her that only made her ask, why I was telling her this. So I told her that she was being childish and a selfish bitch. Which of couse was an attack on her character and unwarranted. I am being controlling and selfish, I am just bitter and being spiteful, you know preventing her happiness. Yet leaving me with nowhere to live and no way to get to work isn't apparently at least not to her. So now I am screwed six ways to Sunday and I am somehow still to blame. It's still my fault somehow. I don't even know what to do, seeing as how I have no other options. So yeah that's how my day went. Someone send me something to make me laugh before I go crazy.

How is it you can care for someone and can't stand to be around them. My ex called she was stranded and needed a ride home from work. I couldn't leave her to walk home at 1am. So I went to pick her up. I was expecting her to start another argument so I was prepared to bite my tounge. I saw her and I can't lie when I say my heart jumped in my chest, but from there it was all downhill. I tried making small talk and she said she had a headache, so I turned the radio down. At that point utter revulsion set in. I realized I still care for her, maybe even love her, but her presence disgusts me. I ask is this normal or is that me just being bitter towards her. It should have been a pleasant ride but I was felt like vomiting whever I looked her direction. I feel guilty for thinking that way of someone just five weeks ago I was planning on making my wife. Am I a bad person?

Well I've been thinking about a lot of things, and I can no longer dwell on the past. What's done is done and it can't be undone. I have start think about tomorrow rather than yesterday. I have been a fighter my whole life, never letting anyone keeping me down and why should now be any different. She's gone and that's all there is to say, I knew it the second I told her it was over. I wouldn't have taken her back if she had asked but I guess I was hoping that she would, or at least ask for my forgiveness. Neither one happened and I am here wondering where to begin with the rest of my life. It's tough coming to grips with being replaced let alone being replaced in less than a week. I will always hope for her to be happy and successful in all that she does no matter what, but I have to let her go, completley. No more looking back, no more hoping that maybe just maybe...... I am living each day one day at a time. I have met a couple people, a couple women actually that have, hmmm.... let's just say piqued my interest. One of them here on FUBAR( I am looking forward to see where things might go. Whatever it may be. I have hope and I have faith in myself to see this through and I will. I've been through worse and it only made me stronger and wiser for it. This will be no differnt. To all my friends and fam out there thanks for your love and support. I couldn't do it without you. Peace and love. D

Amazing how much can remind you of someone. Gonna call it an ealry one tonight, got a lot on my mind right now.....