thediamondDollRead the profile before yo...'s blog: "Clearing my head"

My husband wrote this blog and i am circulating it here. Leave the hating comments at the door cause i don't need em and won't tolerate them. So, Today I write with all seriousness. The following letter will contain no sharp wit, none of my sad attempts at bad humor, or any of the other qualities that make my usual blogs the laughing stock of the literary world. We mark today as the 6th anniversary of the tragedies that befell our country on September 11, 2001. A day which propelled our military forces into a war spanning multiple fronts across the globe. Most of the attention currently is focused on our larger theaters of operation in Iraq and Afghanistan. As time separates us from the emotional impact we felt on that fateful day six years ago, most people have turned from "mourning" to "moving on". Like it or not, September 11th, 2001, has become yet another turning point in the history of our American Experiment. While many Americans alive today never experienced the events that unfolded upon us on December 7, 1941, also known as Pearl Harbor Day, it shares this same historical aspect that we know now as Patriot Day. Once openly mourned, as time moves on, so too d our memories. We must be vigilant in our efforts to not forget days such as these, and the people who had their lives taken, and respectfuly, those that voluntarily gave their lives because of such horrible atrocities. For these people all had made their contributions in one way or another, either as they were, or through their influence upon friends and family, to make America what we are today. Regardless of your opinions about what happened on 9/11 or the War on Terror. Regardless of your political affiliations. Regardless of your religious inclinations. Right or wrong, right or left, Democrat or Republican, Bush-hater or Bush-lover, I ask that you sacrifice a moment or two today to reflect on the PEOPLE that lost their lives that day, and those that sacrificed their own personal freedoms to make sure that you had a shot at making your life the way YOU wanted it to be. Not that these people rate higher than those of past tragedies and conflicts, for they too shaped our country as we know it today, but because these are the people that some of us knew and loved most recently. The ones that we can connect and identify with more readily. So take a moment silence today in honor of these people, to reflect on them and their families, or if so inclined, to pray for them. America was built on a couple things. Number one was compassion. Compassion for your fellow man, that he or she, as you, could live their life as they saw fit, religiously, socially, etc. Number two was sacrifice. For without the voluntary sacrifice of those who came before us, we could not live in the manner that makes Americans a unique group of people. So I ask that you sacrifice a small insignificant portion of your time to think about the significant compassion we, as Americans, have always shown one another in times of great tragedy and stress, and bestow that upon your neighbor, your friends, and even a stranger. To set aside our differences, if only for a minute, to remember WHO we are, and not what affiliations we label each other on a daily basis. Following this blog will be the most up to date list of those who lost their lives on September 11, 2001. Another blog will show a list of those who gave their lives for our country, and the freedom of others around the world. This is not a political statement about the war, but a statement of reflection upon those we call our heroes, whether they be firefighters, police officers, soldiers, volunteers, or whatever capacity one of these heroes might occupy. If you know anyone personally that lost their lives in such a manner, I encourage you to share a story about that person. And if you know a family that has gone through this experience, please forward this to them, and allow them to tell the story of their hero. I intend to make a compilation if I get enough contributions, and immortalize it in print, so that we may not forget these men and women who literally gave it their all. Thank You.

What causes arthritis A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man." "Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?" "I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." Drink fault finding guide A solution to all of your drinking troubles Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet. Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear. Fault: Glass is empty. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Loss of self-control. Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom: Bar blurred. Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom: Bar swaying. Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress. Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. Symptom: Bar moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked. Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. Fault: You have fallen over backwards. Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends. Fault: You have fallen over forwards. Solution: Same as for falling over backwards. Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in. Symptom: Everything has gone dim. Fault: The pub is closing. Solution: Panic. Revenge is sweet There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained. After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. "You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!" Definitely One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definitely in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her. She said: the sky is definitely blue! I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else? Timmy raised his hand and said: the grass is definitely green. I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else? Little Johnny raises his hand and says: Teacher do farts have lumps? The teacher says,no why? Jonny says: Than I definitely Shit my pants!

I often wonder just what the hell goes through my head sometimes. Normally, I know my own mind very well. Recently though, it feels like somebody else has inhabited my head. I fear nothing, few things make me uncomfortable, and I know where I stand on almost everything. Yet here I am, balanced on the razor's edge. So what gives? When anger hits people, many times we will say things we don't really mean. I did that Saturday night. And again, I hurt someone. As usual, it seems. Why??? Why do I hurt the one I love most? Why does anyone give everybody else their best attitude and affections and leave the crumbs for those closest to them?? I am tired. I am sick in more ways than one. I want only to give myself, but that self is broken, bleeding and unacceptable. Not worth the trouble to fix. Not worth the trouble to love. I want only one and because of that, am isolated from that one. Am I too eager? Or is it somthing else? I don't know and that is a cause of great fear to me. Fear, and shame. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to react? Where am I supposed to turn? Why did I let it come this far? The road I am on is dark. The light has gone out. I keep getting tripped up by potholes that were started years ago and nobody bothered to fix. But I can't see, so attempting to avoid them is a fruitless and in many ways, an ironically hilarious exercise. I did have a partner at one point, though that partner is lost in the dark. The need to find them is as blinding as the blackness. My original goal is forgotten, honestly. The only focus of my heart and my brain is to find that which I have lost. I let go but only for an instant and now because of my ineptitude, alone doesn't even begin to describe my situation. How can "I'm sorry" atone for that which I've committed? It can't, ladies and gents. I've broken a delicate human being. The psyche is crushed, the spirit is bruised, the man is bleeding from all orifaces. After having done this cruel deed, then I left him to bleed alone for a while. What kind of blackhearted creature does that? Not the same person who stands, or rather kneels before you today. I lay my heart open, my soul bared, my mind available and my body as sacrifice. I too have been beaten and stabbed and whipped, though none of that matters anymore. I can't change the past actions, though if God would grant but one request before He takes me, I would change a thousand actions. Regardless of my intentions, the man in question has had his fill, apparently. His back is turned, his heart hardened, his mind cold. I know not how to regain his trust, affections or belief. So thusly I sit, on my knees, weeping and screaming at the dark.

As usual, my therapy is writing while I am mildly agitated. How ironic is it that after some major issues in my personal life, I find myself in love with a person who had been part of the issues in the first place. How nice. Also ironic is the fact that, as usual, when I turn towards this person, they are turning away. Am I destined to love someone who will never love me?? I feel the fool as I have always had to beg for the affection I need; yet this person gives affection freely to others. I long for the special words that give verbal indication of the importance in his world and he in mine. Those affirmations go to someone else. Why? I wish I had a fucking clue. Apparently, I am not worthy of positive thoughts or words or even affections. That sounds utterly self serving and pathetic. The soft underbelly of my emotions has been exposed; the part I never show to others. Yet now, here it is, wide open for all to see. I hate focusing on the negative. Yes, I am not naive to the fact that negativity is rampant in this world. I am no Pollyanna, thank you very much. I simply choose to focus on a solution rather than a problem. Take for instance my current relational status. Pain has been administered by both parties. Feelings have been hurt and emotions bruised. In many ways, important parts of the psyche have gone dormant as a defense mechanism. NOT dead, as others would believe. For myself, I know certain areas of my emotional garden have gone dry and the plants wilted. Anyone who knows gardening, however, knows that with a bit of water and some fertilizer, those areas can bring forth ample fruit again. Yet someone seems to insist on sprinkling the area with salt. As angry as that makes me, I can't seem to find it in my heart to hate them. Does that make me stupid?

I don't even know if anybody actually reads these blogs. They must, or blogs wouldn't be so freaking popular. The huge invisible committe of "THEY" have decided that "THEY" want to know the intimate stupid, unimportant details of various individuals lives. How nice. In any case, my world has taken a whirlwind turn. I don't talk about any personal stuff to anybody, which can be attested to by my friends, coworkers, and aquaintances. When you see me, everything is good, even if it isn't. And to be honest, it hasn't been good for a while. But, shhhhhh, you didn't hear that. Afterall, I am invincible and untouchable. .......right...... For the most part I am ambivalent to the changes in my personal situation. But tonight, a chord was struck and now I'm thinkin. Ever notice how easy it is to take someone for granted? Especially if they have proven reliable and steady in your past experience? You almost forget they are even there, till something extreme happens. Then you are either scrambling to grasp hold of their solidity, or you are angry that they would disappear into nothingness because you ignored them so long. The one's closest to you can become faceless after a while...... Sometimes the casualty's of such a phenomenon is a friendship......sometimes it's a sibling relationship......sometimes a marraige.....sometimes a coworker..... No relationship is safe. And when the nothingness takes hold.....the victims are left looking around in bewilderment and sadness, wondering what happened. And it's so easy to get to that point....so frighteningly easy. So that is the thought for the day....sorry to "THEY' who read this that it is not more upbeat for you, but um.....guess what, I didn't write it for you, so kiss off.

The only time i seem to want to write in this thing is when i'm either tired or angry. Never when I'm happy. Oh well, i guess. Maybe this is therapy, like my journal is. I keep one to help me sleep. Though recently even that hasn't been helping. Sleep is restless and I wake more tired than when I went to bed. The question could be why? Well, I don't have the gift of the written word, but I will try to convey this, if only for me. I am fairly certian that the few who read this will leave more confused than they came. Ha ha ha ha .....welcome to my world, ladies and gents. I hate mediocrity, hate when we either put ourselves or are put into little niches that "fit." Mediocre is only the worst of the best and best of the worst. Such a lovely wide road.....but this road is in a valley. A deep valley and the sides are so steep that you can't get off this road. So I am pulled along by the crowd. And, if I should manage to pull myself above, or off to the side...and find some kind of artery leading off the main thoroughfare....I find that leaving of the main road is NOT welcome. Change something....? Oh heaven forbid!! No, no, no....I am told....don't leave the smooth road...it's not safe. "We love you, and don't want you to get hurt." And the worst part is, the biggest detractors are the ones supposedly closest to me. Sick, just sick. A spouse, a child, a parent, a best friend, a colleague. 'Clip those wings....stay on the ground.' Or, even worse.....they come along under the guise of 'support'......and are dead weight on your back. The road off the beaten path is never smooth, girls and boys. It is always rocky, always full of peril. I must be flexible and nimble on my feet. But with a full pack on my back...well, the job just got harder. Especially if it's only a cinderblock I'm carrying....or, maybe a dwarf. Now there's a mental image for ya. Ha ha ha... In any case, I've climbed for a while, but I'm so tired... And so I slide back down to the main road. This is not where I want to be, but I have this stupid pack on my back, anchor around my leg. So I'm looking up, to where I want and need to be. My heart aches. And I look around, at the masses just trotting by like cattle. Then I look at the pack next to me.....and attempt to reason with it. That is the most laughable part. I AM REASONING WITH A CINDERBLOCK??? Who knows, maybe it will morph into a horse and carry me up the mountain. Now, any sane person would say to me..."Just leave the stupid thing there. If there's just a cinderblock in it, why even bring it along?" And you would be right. But I'm attached to this thing. So I must ask myself.....Do I try again with the pack?....do I leave it here and climb alone? Or do i sit here...and resign myself to being just like everyone else....average and miserable. Such a wonderful thought for the night.... (to be continued, i guess.......)