Flossin N Costin's blog: "Bye Bye"

> For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to > > take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out > > on someone you don't know. > > > > I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to > > make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man > > answered saying, "Hello?" > > > > I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin > > Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on > > me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude!I tracked down Robin's > > correct number, and called her. (I had transposed > > the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I > > decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same > > guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up. > > > > I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in > > my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was > > paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an > > asshole!" > > It always cheered me up. > > > > When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling > > would have to stop. > > So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone > > Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID > > program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back > > and said, "That's because you're an asshole!" > > > > So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. > > Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently > > waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot. > > The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote > > down his number. > > A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his > > number on speed dial by now), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. > > I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" > > I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" > > "Yes it is." > > "Can you tell me where I can see it?" "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. > > It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out > > front." > > "What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said. > > "When's a good time to catch you, Don?" > > "I'm home every evening after five." > > "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?" > > "Yes?" > > "Don, you're an asshole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed > > dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several > > months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. > > So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1. "Hello." > > "You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.) > > Are you still there?" he asked. > > "Yeah," I said. > > "Stop calling me," he screamed. > > "Make me," I said. > > Who are you?" he asked. > > "My name is Don Hansen." > > "Yeah? Where do you live?" > > "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black > > Beemer out front." > > He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying > > your prayers." > > I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole." > > Then I called asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said. > > "Hello Asshole," I said. > > He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." > > "You'll what?" I said. > > "I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed. > > I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." > > > > Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at > > 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. > > Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th > > Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two > > assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police > > helicopter, and news crew. > > > > Now, I feel better. > >

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astoni shed at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up. Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred - Forgive. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen. Live simply and appreciate what you have. Give more. Expect less NOW ........... Enough of that crap . . The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock. MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth the that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it." Never going back to that doctor ever.

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the Church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am? The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan? "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me? "The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

A way for us to lose weight according to my aunt!! A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. Weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. As promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. As promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound Program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7 ft man standing there, wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read: "I'm Dave. If I catch you, you're mine..."

Last week I was in Atlanta , Georgia attending a conference. While I was in the airport, returning home, I heard several people behind me beginning to clap and cheer. I immediately turned around and witnessed one of the greatest act's of patriotism I have ever seen. Moving thru the terminal was a group of soldiers in their camo's, as they began heading to their gate everyone (well almost everyone) was abruptly to their feet with their hands waving and cheering. When I saw the soldiers, probably 30-40 of them, being applauded and cheered for it hit me. I'm not alone. I'm not the only red blooded American who still loves this country and supports our troops and their families. Of course I immediately stopped and began clapping for these young unsung heroes who are putting their lives on the line everyday for us so we can go to school, work and home without fear or reprisal. Just when I thought I could not be more proud of my country or of our service men and women a young girl, not more than 6 or 7 years old, ran up to one of the male soldiers. He kneeled down and said "hi," the little girl then she asked him if he would give something to her daddy for her. The young soldier, he didn't look any older than maybe 22 himself, said he would try and what did she want to give to her daddy. Then suddenly the little girl grabbed the neck of this soldier, gave him the biggest hug she could muster and then kissed him on the cheek. The mother of the little girl, who said her daughters name was Courtney, told the young soldier that her husband was a Marine and had been in Iraq for 11 months now. As the mom was explaining how much her daughter, Courtney, missed her father, the young soldier began to tear up. When this temporarily single mom was done explaining her situation, all of the soldiers huddled together for a brief second. Then one of the other servicemen pulled out a military looking warlike-talkie. They started playing with the device and talking back and forth on it. After about 10-15 seconds of this, the young soldier walked back over to Courtney, bent down and said this to her, "I spoke to your daddy and he told me to give this to you." He then hugged this little girl that he had just met and gave her a kiss on the cheek. He finished by saying "your daddy told me to tell you that he loves you more than anything and he is coming home very soon." The mom at this point was crying almost uncontrollably and as the young soldier stood to his feet he saluted Courtney and her mom. I was standing no more than 6 feet away from this entire event unfolded. As the soldiers began to leave, heading towards their gate, people resumed their applause. As I stood there applauding and looked around, their were very few dry eyes, including my own. That young soldier in one last act of selflessness, turned around and blew a kiss to Courtney with a tear rolling down his cheek. We need to remember everyday all of our soldiers and their families and thank God for them and their sacrifices. At the end of the day, it's good to be an American.

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine. Dear Diary: For my sixty-fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress . .. MONDAY Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her Lycra aero bic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in whi ch she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! TUESDAY I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air; then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectoral s. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too. THURSDAY Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank. FRIDAY I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the F---- barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? SATURDAY Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel. SUNDAY I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun ------- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite." "OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out? "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?" "And," the little girl says triumphantly,"I know why you and daddy got a divorce." "Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?" "Because you got an F in sex."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One hand on Wheel; One hand on horn: CHICAGO One hand on wheel; Middle finger out window: NEW YORK One hand on wheel; Middle finger out window; Cutting across all lanes of traffic: NEW JERSEY One hand on wheel; One hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: BOSTON One hand on wheel; One hand on nonfat decaf cappuccino; Cradling cell phone; Brick on accelerator; Gun in lap: LOS ANGELES Both hand on wheel; Eyes shut; Both feet on brake; Quivering in terror: From MONTANA, but driving in CALIFORNIA One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte; one knee on wheel; Cradling cell phone; foot on brake; Mind on radio game; Banging head on steering wheel, while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE One hand on wheel; One hand on hunting rifle; Alternating between both feet on the accelerator and both feet on the brake; Throwing McDonald's bag out of the window: TEXAS Four-wheel drive pick-up truck; Shotgun mounted in the rear window; Beer cans on floor; Prairie dog tails attached to antenna: WYOMING Two hands gripping wheel; Blue hair barely visible above windshield; Driving 35 on the Interstate, in the left lane, with the left blinker on: FLORIDA One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS No hands on the wheel; Driving with the knees, applying makeup, talking on the cell phone, writing in journal, reading scriptures; Nine kids screaming in the back; "Families are Forever" bumper sticker: UTAH

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!" "Blow jobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blow jobs for her! She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone."