I find myself tete-a-tete with a moral quandry that I am not at liberty to divulge. A classic struggle of intellectual rationality versus emotional irrationality. The answer seems simple when presenting it in its purest simple form, but my heart still challenges me. The consequences of making the right decision would be minimal. The wrong choice would lead to a path of inevitable deceit. I don't like secrets yet I always feel like I am buried in them. My family has a lot of skeletons, some dead, others ongoing. It's not healthy to grow up in a house of secrets. The ability to trust someone who hides secrets is a difficult task. I don't want to be someone who people cannot trust. To be able to trust somebody is perhaps the deepest form of communication. Trust cannot be handed over with kind words. Trust needs to be earned over a great deal of time. Through ours' and others' actions we gain or lose that trust. I hate those things that are so valuable to us yet so fleeting. We can spend a lifetime building and maintaining our trust in other people, but with one faulty step the ground, one mindless action the ground can fall from beneath our feet like an Indiana Jones movie. I think that is so scary. The ease from which we can betray another's trust. I believe most everyone has had such an experience. Where, at the right time at the right place, have said that most singularly wrong remark and lost a deeply personal, well esblished connection with another person. That one action or comment that changes everything. When there's no going back to "how it used to be." I'm rummaging through my brain for the last such episode I have endured. I lost a minor friend before Hurrican Ivan. We had been hanging out a whole lot when I slipped the old "I am attracted to you" into conversation. She stopped speaking to me for a while and even though we have cordial conversation on occasion, it's never been the same. I wasn't too messed up about it, because we hadn't gotten incredibly close, but all it took were those famous words. That situation seems pretty common, where one individual admits attraction or feeling to the other and when it is not requited the relationship walks the plank. The last time I lost the trust of someone I loved was back in college. No regrets though. That one wasn't meant to be. Still slightly painful though. Is that pathetic or what?
I spent a good two hours today playing a b-ball and baseball with my landlord and two kids from the neighborhood. I've never been a superstar at sports, but I've always been able to exceed folks' expectations of my capabilities. We tied Jack up to a tree and just let loose. It was a beautiful day out, surprisingly warm.
A fireworks tent popped up right by my house last week. I'm feeling the id in me commanding me to go buy a whole slew of them and have some good old boyhood fun. I remember some crazy friends of mine who would shoot roman candles at each other for fun senior of college. They'd play tag with the fireworks. It was an accident ready to happen, but they provided hours of entertainment. Let's just say my roommate who was studying for his LSATs didn't quite appreciate it. Tomorrow night, I will go down to the levee to see the mile long line of bonfires that they set up every year. Should be a spectacle. That's it for now.
