When I heard the knock on my door that night, I just knew it was about to be on and poppin!
I was a broke azz college student......so I knew I was in for the night.......even if it was a Friday.
I wasn’t about to do any school work......... And my mack game was on the downswing......so I couldn’t even call up a “sure thing” and make it a Blockbuster night — and let’s be for real people, when a college-aged dude asks a woman to come over to his crib for a blockbuster night, it ain’t a “block” he’s trying to “bust!” It’s dat azz!! LOL.....well me anyway......I dont know about some of you lame ass humps....
Anyways....
So basically, I was in for the night and bored as hell. But that knock on the door changed everything.
I knew who it was before I even opened the door...... And in the several steps from my faux-leather loveseat to the door, I was hoping he came bearing gifts...... At the door was one of my best friends who had just gotten off work.
As most college kids do, we held part-time jobs — mine at the mall at a CD store and his at a local KFC. (this was before i started throwing parties and raves for the rich white kids at Tulane)...... So when I opened the door, he had a couple boxes of some “chickens with all the fixins!” I’m talkin’ ’bout fried, extra crispy, rotisserie, honey bbq, slaw, mashed potatoes, and biscuits!
It was on and poppin.....errr...... FRYIN!!
He came in the crib still in his chicken grease-stained uniform smelling like he had on some hot Crisco aftershave........
That night, we ate like kings, talked about school and women,
listened to Eightball & MJG, and played College Football on Sega Genesis for about 12 hours straight. We didn’t sleep.
We didn’t shower.
We didn’t do shyt but stay up.
10 years later, I still remember everything about that night. It was what broke azz Negros did when we didn’t have money to do shyt else........ And we were both some broke azzes.
Well…. I’m grown now........ And that shyt don’t cut it no’ mo’.
It’s not just that KFC and video games aren’t my bag.....baby, it’s just that I have money, which gives me options.....(just not lately)....
And 9 times out of 10, I will opt NOT to stay up through the night caressing a box of the Colonel’s greasy azz chicken and biscuits.
But some folks I know still want to do this kind of thing on the regular.
And who are they? BROKE AZZ FRIENDS!
Is there anything worse than a broke.azz.friend?!?!?
I’ont be thinkin’ so.......I can’t STAND a broke friend….
they ain’t neva got no dayum money!
LOL Fukk Sally and Becky and that gay “BFF” crap!
It’s the B.A.F. that you need to be aware of!.... Broke Aazz Friend!!
I mean, in high school and college.......it was cool because we were all broke......... Finding creative ways to entertain ourselves was fun.......... Hell, some of my best nights out were riding around with my best friends and we only had $20 between the three of us!....... Yet we managed to stay out all night until curfew having a good azz time!
But Fool, we in our 30’s now! That broke shyt is passé!!
Look, I know everyone can’t afford to do major things like international travel or drop $250 at a restaurant........But dayum nygga, can you buy a Jack and coke??
Why I gotta “let you hold somethin’” just to go to happy hour?!?!
Really playa, are times THAT hard?!?
I HATE wanting to do something, but everybody’s too broke to damn do it!
And the worst part is these same BAFs always talking about how much they saving or what a great deal they got on such and such........but when it comes time to do shyt, they always have an excuse!
And normally one that doesn’t even sound viable....... Sometimes BAFs disguise themselves!
They hide their BAFness!
When in fact their BAFness is so baffling, you couldn’t ever understand the level of their BAFficity!!
Thank God for a dude like me (Kaviar)....... Because you KNOW I came to this bulletin entry with a damn list…
Five Ways To Know Your Friend Is a BAF — a BROKE.AZZ.FRIEND
Dave letterman Style.....
1. ATM
The ATM is the sworn enemy of all BAFs!! The BAF hates nothing more than to go to a damn ATM....... Why??...... Because the ATM reminds the BAF of just how broke he/she is!
You can lie to your girl, your mamma, and your boys…. but the ATM don’t play that shyt! It knows the real deal, and is all too happy to remind you with those mocking words, “Insufficient Funds.” Now you done fukked around and got your azz in the negative with that $2.50 transaction fee! LOL........
There is only one time the BAF LOVES the ATM, and that is just after midnight on payday!....... Say your BAF’s paycheck goes in via direct deposit at midnight on the 25th....... Dude will be a deadbeat until midnight, then his azz gets all hype and wants to stay out all night… but he just wants to “hit the ATM first.” Then his azz will have you drive 20 miles just to camp out in front of the ATM with the lowest transaction fee until 12:05am “just in case the bank clock is slow.” LOL
Dude goes and gets his lil $50 and comes back to the car talkin’ ’bout “Let’s ride!! It’s on!!” LOL
Either that or he comes back to the car with nothing but a receipt askin’ to “hold somethin’” until the morning......And I can bet dude will also complain about how the ATM only gives out $20 bills. “I didn’t WANT $60! I only wanted $50! Punk azz banks always tryin’ to get ya. It’s politics, man.”....The universal Broke excuse......Whatever the situation, a BAF is readily identifiable by his ATM etiquette.
2. Complaining about prices
One thing a BAF loves to do is complain about the cost of shyt. So you’re out on the town at a bar, and the BAF can’t just order a damn drink....... First, he’s gotta look at every drink of the list.
It ain’t that he can’t decide what he wants, he’s just finding out what the cheapest alcohol drink is........Then, he asks about the specials.....
And let the bar have a special on Goat Piss Beer!?!? Dude, they’ll order it up and rant about how somebody at work told them it was the bomb!.....In fact i know cats that only go out on special nights....White Trash Wednsday at Dish so they can get the $1 Busch cans.....or the all you drink at the Hi-Tone for $5!
And God forbid they just order.......When they get the bill that charges them $7 for that vodka and cranberry???
Now YOU gotta listen to them flap their gums, “Gotdayum! $7 for one damn drink?!? I could buy a bottle for that much!”
NEGRO… you at the BAR! It’s ’spensive! Don’t go out and drink if you can’t go out and drink, nah’m’sayin?!
A good steak costs $30 when you eat out.
The club costs $20 to get into.
The movie is $10 and, yes, popcorn is $7. YOU.KNOW.THIS!!
Don’t complain when you arrive like it’s some new shyt that the “man” slipped in on your azz last night.
3. Groceries
The BAF never has groceries........... But be careful… there was a time when I treated grocery shopping like it was the devil...... But when I was like that......I was eating out every night..... So an empty fridge doesn’t necessarily mean BAF......it could mean SMWDEH (single mom with deadbeat ex husband)....
A real BAF will have no groceries, but offer you food when you visit and act like Top Ramen and pork-n-beans is a bangin’ azz meal.
WHAT?!?....... Is ya serious homeboy??..... NO I don’t want no damn pork-n-beans!!
“But these the brown sugar joints!”
Lawd Lawd Lawd…. pray for him ya’ll.
There is no reason on God’s green earth that a grown azz employed person should have nothing but some vienna sausages and some end pieces of bread!.......That might make for some ghetto azz pig-in-a-blankets to you.....but please…. I’m grown.......I need man food.
Here is the tried and true way to tell your friend is a BAF by his refrigerator contents:
If his azz has more liquids than solids in his fridge? Oh, he’s a BAF.
You got three flavors of Kool-Aid and some expired milk and a jar of pickles in your fridge?? Oh, you’se a BAF.
4. Paper
BAF’s leave signs of their BAFfage everywhere they go...... This is so simple, yet so true....... BAF’s are always calculating how much money they (don’t) have....... I betcha if you look closely, you’ll find that they’ve been adding and subtracting on every piece of paper they can get their hands on!
The back of receipts… napkins… flyers from the club… any-damn-thing!....... And the remarkable thing is the know EXACTLY how much their bills are no matter where they are!
They could be at Taco Bell figuring out where their last check went and know that the phone bill was $78.13, car note $323.64… LOL
Ain’t no roundin up because that leftover $1.23 can buy eleven packs of Top Ramen and a pack of Kool-Aid!
And they always figure some outlandish shyt like budgeting $50 for food for the month and $25 for miscellaneous. LOL
BAF’s are some miscalculating MF’s.
5. Never enough
When BAFs do go out, they always bring JUST enough to do the minimum...... Goin to the club?..... They bring enough to get in but don’t have shyt left for drinks or after-club jaunts to the Waffle House.
I once went to a strip club with a BAF years ago. To get in was $15....... You know how much he brought? $16....... LMAO 16 daggum dollars!
THEN he had the nerve to tip that dolla out and come back to me talkin’ ’bout “This shyt is wack, let’s bounce.”
Lawd.
If you go out to eat, they get a drink and a meal that costs no more than the $20 they have in their pocket...... Their bill comes to $19.24....... LOL And they don’t think nothin’ ’bout a tip. “Man, that hoe won’t servin me good no way.”
At the movie, they all up in YOUR popcorn because they only brought $6 to the $5.75 movie… and they only got that price based on their expired azz college ID.
I can talk shyt about BAFs because I was one.....Hell Iv'e been one for the last three months.... But I damn near to 12-stepping my way all up out that shyt!
I know how it is to live check to check… hell, I know how it is to live two checks ahead! LOL......But you just live according to your means..... my girl Nich had to bring a brova some groceries....just so I could be regular and take a good dump......so....
If that means you can’t go, then dammit, you just can’t go.
Just don’t be resolute to wallow in your BAFness.
But until you can roll without stressin over how you’re gonna pay rent, I’ve got some advice for you….
… find a friend that works at KFC and get that free hook-up. Nothing cures what ails ya like some free chicken.
