tedgresham's blog: "Bohemian Bull"

I went to an incredible concert tonight.  Three great bands.  Loved them.  The music was loud, very loud, and it pounded through me and flushed all the shit away for just a little while.  My new sort'of friends in the band were nice to talk to.  I ran into a guy who was remodeling the old KTRE studios where my dad worked when I was a kid and he gave me a little tour.  Damndest thing I have ever had.  I was so totally happy to walk through that place.  It's all fucked up now.  Still, my dad was kind'a close then.  What great memories.  Then we left and I smoked a cig.  I don't smoke.  ha.  And now I am home.  I drove home.  Probably should not have.  Whatever.  It's almost three AM and I am fucked up still.  And I am so goddamn alone.  What's the fucking purpose?  I work my ass off for this thing I do, this website and thing for rock and metal bands.  And here I am feeling fucking sorry for myself in my van all alone.  This is damned depressing.

Yeah, I have a wife who hates my fucking music and keeps waiting for me to "change back."  Fuck that.  Change back to what, being a weasle asshole dork?  I would like to be a sweetheart like a friend here said I might be.  Yeah, but shit, this lonely shit is no fun.  I would you know, not like to be so fucking alone.  I am all fucked up.  I like being drunk, you know, and I love being fucked up with the music loud and beating the hell out of my head because for a little while this fucked up world just disappears.  But the goddamn thing always comes back.  Always.  Fucking world.  I wish it would go away. 

So anyway, you know, whatever.  So really, nobody gives a shit.  I figured that out a long time go.  I'm an old fucked up idiot jackass who is just some crazy sonofabitch who everybody thinks is weird.  And me, well, just fucking alone.  Shit I hate alone. 

Have a nice goddamn day.

It's one of those days when I have nothing better to do so you're fuckin' stuck with me. 

I am totally not sure what this fuBar thing is supposed to be here for.  It is a community of people more in tune with my world than, say, disney.com or Face-everybody-is-so-silly-book.  Some of the folks here are all involved and shit.  They have time, I guess, like people on Facebook play those dorky games like the Mafia shit or the totally weird farm thing.  Odd.  But Fubar also seems like one of those predator kind of places where horny people look for screws and lonely women hope they'll find Mr. Right.

What really fucking befuddles and amuses me, in a sad sort of way, is how predatory and totally dumbass men troll women's pages and dump 11's and make assinine comments like "you're beautiful" and "you're hot" and shit like that when it's a total fucking lie.  No, really, I am not insulting the women but ragging on the men for being such cads and dickheads.  Jeezus, a woman knows a fuzzy, poorly made cam pic is neither "sexy" or beautiful.  Shit, even bombshell bimbo's can't quite pull off those with a cam in a bathroom mirror or sitting at a notebook with that cheezy webcam for picturing.  Give it a rest, dumbass, be real.

I like women.  Really, I really, really like women.  I can honestly say there are many I find attractive that aside from the predators online would not get a second look.  There are some I find totally unattractive.  It's a shallow and pathetic human trait to make such judgments.  Every person does it, man or woman.  But men are such dicks they most often fall into the "put a bag over their head" mentality.  What pricks.

From some of the profiles I've read a lot of men go on about the size of their wanger or their prowess.  Any woman who WOULD be attracted by such pathetic shit-headery is way too much the tramp and sleeze for me to want to be around.  Any woman who starts out with "I like them BIG" is a total slut in my humble and unappreciated opinion.  Besides, she'd laugh at my itzy package and tell me to go home to momma.  Ha!  To the guy who seeks sluts I say shaving cream on the toilet seat.  To the slut who wants them big I say produce aisle, cucumbers.

Back on subject, it's true, men are jerkwad slobs.  No wonder women by the hundred thousand still swoon over a keyboard guy after guy after disgusting guy and hope for "Mr. Right."  That guy is a myth.  He doesn't exist and if he did he'd be a pussy-brained shithead coward you would soon want to go away.  There are average kind of guys, a few, like me, who in spite of my fucked up head and fuck-filled language can and will be respectful and kind to a good woman--and if the opportunity arises send her shrieking into orgasmic heaven.  But those guys, guys like me, few as they are, snoop around looking for a like-minded friend and drinkin' buddy.  Doesn't matter all that much if the nights grow long and slippery or not.  It's just a nice idea.

Women, men do NOT wash their hands.  I do, I teach my boy to, but there's not one in ten who does.  I hate touching doorknobs.  I often use a towel to open the door to get out of a can.  If you can't trust them to wash their hands do you trust them to do more?  Men are slobs.  Totally!

I digress ....again.  If I say a woman is beautiful then I mean it.  I don't often say so because those who are get told that so much it is boring and those who are only pretty know goddamn well a man is lying to get into her pants.  Maybe she believes the lie sometimes, just to keep her bunk warm on occasion, but she knows.  Men dream of plinking prom queens but they'll settle for the square-jawed four-eyed girl in the back... then laugh about her the next day.  Assholes all.

Finding a woman just to screw, or a man for that matter, is just stupid.  Really.  Except for very young and very atheletic people, the average screwing time is an hour, more or less.  Then what?  Talk about Jesus or the grandbabies?  Shiiiit.  The perfect woman for me is one who is somewhat attractive, not obsessed with motorcycles, fishing, camping, hunting, or Jesus... or grandbabies... is as cynical as I am or on her way there, victim of a multiple-broken heart like me, confused about life and pissed about more, and who loves hard rock and heavy metal music and beer.  The beer part is not requisite.  But if I found such a wonderful woman in all the world I would treat her very, very kindly and if we ever got down and nekkid I would make sure she was a happy chick!  But I won't ever be on the prowl just for a hole to poke like the assholes who lie to women to get in her pants. 

So, there.  Yeeeeeng!

I swore off politics and activism and all that shit a couple  years ago.  I became a fowl mouthed (by pansy people standards), mean-spirited, long haired, athiest, (badly practicing) Buddhist, head banging metal head motherfucker of the year instead.  Want to know why?  Because I spent too damned much of my life trying to pull people's head out of their ass because I fucking cared for them.  But fuck them.  Fuck you too, maybe, if you're one of them, because you make me barf.  Shit.

The country is run by idiots and controlled by rich, greedy corporate pricks and Americans are fucked dumbass sheep without a damn clue.  I swear, people, I am so fucking sick of "Ground zero" and terrorists and all the absolutely and totally incredible dumbass shit I keep seeing everywhere, on the news, facebook, myspace, here, goddamn it's a curse!  How long is everybody in this country going to have their head up their ass?  Damn, shut up already!

So a friend had a helpful idea for me to add my friends to his and his to mine so my business/website/rock texas/etc., could network.  But I'll be damned if I'm not stuck with a buch of these pansy-ass idiot right wing religious fuckheads who actually BELIEVE all the bulshit about 9/11 and all that fucked up Cheney created mess.  And I'm stuck with them or I look like a prick for dumping them and hell, I need the networking although I feel like I need a goddamn bath after reading some of the shit they post.  If I wasn't totally broke and actually a big fan of these little metal bands around Texas I'd just fuck it off and stand on the corner with a bull horn telling these idiots off until I was arrested.  Damn.

Listen.  Muslims did NOT tear down those goddamn towers.  Any goddamn idiot with half a brain can see they were taken down with demolitions.  The evidence is fucking OVERWHELMING.  If you're too goddamn idiotic and naive to know that then fuck you.  Even IF some stupid ass pricks over in some damned poor country got so pissed they did that aweful thing (which they didn't have the brains or ability to do!) the fucking fact is they merely brought the goddamn war here that the U.S. has been reigning on their goddamn heads for forever.  Sit on hour lazy, comfortable ass and wave that goddamned flag and be a total prick, why don't you?  You don't have blood in your fucking streets and you're not burrying dead babies every fucking day.  Asshole.

Which brings me to another thing.  The goddamn southern border is a joke.  This country, no matter how nasty your best friend and ass-reamer Homeland Security may be, could never control what goes on everywhere. IF the motherfucker badguy peasants wanted to they could fuck this country up so bad in a day we'd all run home to momma or jesus or whomever the hell you think might help, as if they would.  Use your goddamn brain, people.  Why would fucking idiot so-called "terrorists" stop when they were fucking ahead?  Duh.  Otherwise you think a handfull of dumbass pawns fooled by a goddamn Cheney cabal into believing they were doing good could pull the whole fucking thing off themselves?  Shit.  This stuff is almost TEN years old.  Damn, people, wake the fuck up.

I know you're not.  I know you're going to think I'm the idiot motherfucker deluded conspiracy theorist.  Know what?  You're a totall fucking dumbass and you aint' worth the shit on my shoe if you think so. 

Now listen my dear snooping Big Brother Homeland Security guy reading my emails.  You can come on over and sit on my bench, watch me type, put cameras everywhere from my kitchen to my shitter.  These people aint worth the goddamn trouble to fool with.  All I fucking want to do is breathe until I don't breathe any more.  So don't go thinking any bullshit, ok?  You and I know what is true and shit, nobody else would believe it. 

To the rest, why don't you shut the fuck up about a damned Mosque.  YOU don't live in New York.  YOU have no fucking say.  And I'm goddamn sick of hearing you dumbass, idiotic bullshit.

Damn.  Somebody turn up the fucking stereo.

OK, so I went to bed.  My damn back / shoulder whateverthefuck it is flared up and besides, my brain would not shut up so I just got up again.  Damn, another night with four hours' sleep.  Oh well.

I got up to work on my website, the one YOU should visit if you are a Texan and a fan of hard rock/heavy metal music, just to see how many bands are listed and tell me about your fav's in Texas that I don't have on the list. 

I also had an idea bout a blog to piss religious people off.  Except I talked myself out of it.  Hell, most people are religious, why piss them all off?  Even I have my  Buddha riding on the dash of my van!  But then, well, I saw that goddamn annoying word: blessed.  Everything came back. 

Before I begin let me provide a teensy disclaimer.  I am a disgruntled, angry and frustrated ex-Christian.  I'm pissed at myself for throwing away a goddamn half century sunk in a morass of religious bullshit.  Well, almost half century.  Whatever.  ...excuse me, I just realized my headphones were still on my head but the music stopped....  So, anyway, I am stuck in the most Bible-belted goddamn town ever to fill up space on this earth.  Or so it seems.  Religious talk/icons/attitudes are making me Nucking Futz!

So, that word: blessed.  What does it mean?  It means this god guy swooped down and flung a wand or something and touched all these people and forced them to become friends with person A.   What?  Fuck that.  I don't want to be shoved into someone's friendship lane by anybody, much less a deity who's absent when all the big shit hits the fan--and the little shit too, btw.  Why not just say, "I have lots of friends who seem to like me and vice versa and that's damned good!"   But Noooooo, it's "blessed."  bullshit.  I've been "blessed" with friends before and got fucked by them... and not in a good way, either.

People are always tossing that goddamn word around: "bless this, bless that...." according to whose idea of blessing?  Bless the beasts and the children?  Do we want them happy or fried up with potatoes?  The beasts, that is, of course.  And the children?  Do we want them stupid and warped by religious dogma or free to be fucked up wack brained motherfuckers-of-the-year like me if they choose?  Hmm, I bet the god guy will not choose the latter.  Too bad, it leaves out all the good music!

Well Godsmack'm.  Really!  One of my favorite bands, of course.  "Bad Religion":  Oh, its a bad religion, From a broken nation.  Its a contradiction,  And I cant take it anymore, yeah.  (Like there's any goddamn choice around here.)  Can you feel it? I gotta live with it everyday And I cant take the pressure. Im goin' insane, Now go away!

So hey, you know, I play nice around my mawinlaw and my extremist religious brother to keep the peace but I fucking don't have to play nice all the time and I do Not want to have to play nice around so-called friends.  Pray for me if you want, dear sweet misguided person (I'm sure my bro' wears out his carpet over me) but please don't expect me to convert and for fuck sake do not befriend me if  you can't take a Godsmack kind'of attitude and deal with so-called "expletives" like, well fuck, you know, shit, stuff like goddamn and hell and all that goddamn fucking shit.

Be my friend.  I'd like that.  Hell, I'd like a real friend, even a few, to knock elbows with over beer as the music falls hard and loud on our ears.  Not the cyber beer shit but the real stuff in a real bar with real music.  But don't say you're blessed for me to be  your fucking friend because that's such bullshit.  I am NOT a blessing.  No fucking way.  I am funny sometimes, silly and totally wacked usually, I can even be kind and gentle and shit.  But I will not be a goddamn blessing.  Got that?

So ok then.  Maybe I can sleep now.  Maybe not.  I fucking painted myself into a corner, see, I went and grew a business face on Myspace and Facebook so I can't fucking rant there any more.  You people are stuck with me.  Or not.  Whatever.  So shit, there has to be somebody out there in lah lah land who is not totally fucking offended by my little late nite rant thingy.  Write me.  Let's be friends!  Don't you think that would be the most goddamned blessing ever?  HA HA HA!

Good night all you fucked up crazy people all across Texas and the world!

When there's lightning - it always bring me down
Cause it's free and I see that it's me
Who's lost and never found...

There's no sign of the morning coming
You've been left on your own
Like a Rainbow in the Dark

Whoever invented karaoke should be tied up and forced to listen to cow farts and fingernails on on chalk boards and shit like that.  This statement has nothing to do with what's on my mind other than I am trying very hard to escape karaoke at the moment.  Long story.  Ask me sometime.

The question on nobody's mind but mine is... where are you?  OK, let me elaborate. 

Having lived a life of confusion and failure (I'm not like you, I just fuck up... Slipknot) I have returned to the music of my youth, what was then called hard rock but has evolved into a collection of hard rock and heavy metal styles that still have trouble with The Man but are now more direct and outspoken in lyrics and louder and better at eradicating conscious thought.  I love what the music has become.  Black Sabbath/etc has become Slipknot and Dammage Plan and Godsmack and so much more good shit. 

Problem is, everybody these days likes soft, tacky, he-haw, hip hop and all kinds of other totally and critically icky noise.  Only a collection of smarter than average kids like the best of the best.  Or maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe there are people who like it.  Maybe.  I can't find them.  Not around here, not over thirty five, not willing to admit it.  Actually I don't care if you're twenty but I'm no idiot.  A twenty-something is not going to appreciate a crotchety old snarl like me no matter how much we are alike.  So anyway...

Where are you?  Now you get it?

Where are you who is not patriotic, who does not think every tear makes a flower, every cloud has a silver lining or, ick, who does not believe jeeezus is coming back... as if he ever left.  Where are you who can stand long hair and a beard attached to a bundle of cynicism?  Where are you who thinks happiness is overrated?  Where are you who sees that you're lost and never will be found?

A rainbow in the dark is scientifically impossible, you know.  Rainbows are created by light passing through mist.  If it's dark there is, duh, no light.  But then, of course, when lightening flashes in the dark there is a brief second of light so there CAN be a rainbow in the dark for a split second.

We few, the not proud, the not always so strong, do not live for beauty beyond the horizon or dream of a rosy future.  We live for those rainbows in the dark, the oxymoron of a flashing, instant rainbow that is more beautiful than any ordinary streak of colors.  Of course it's the one we always miss because the spark of flame from the sky shocks us into reality because we see who we are.

Where are you who will share a beer and a bar stool, drift through the night with me, and wait for that fucking flash which is more likely to be the lights of a police car than lightening.  Next time we should park in a more remote place!  Ya think?

I keep looking.  All I find is a whole lot of dark.

Maybe it's true.  Maybe I'm lost and never will be found... left alone in the dark, just like you, and maybe it's because of the dark that we may never meet up.

I keep looking.  Maybe, just maybe, when that revealing bolt from a black sky crashes through my world I'll actually see the that rainbow for a split second and maybe, just maybe, that rainbow will be you.  How cool would that be?

Damn I am such a fuckin' romantic at heart.  Ha!