Kelly's blog: "Bitching."

If you haven't noticed lately,I have been blunt and well...bitchy. Between work,my screwed up brother (who lives to ruin his little sister's life in any way possible because he's a fucked up crackhead),my love life which is invisible..you put all that together and wonder what normally is going to go through a 24 yr old's mind? Yes I know I have..2 crushes who I don't think I know who they are yet on here. They most likely don't live even remotely close to me though. Don't expect me to go falling head over heels for someone who lives miles away from me. The only guy that is still in my life and that yes,I still have yet to get over because I still care about him..lives in Texas. We met on yahoo 5 years ago. He's the only one that if he wanted me back and wanted me to move in with him down there,that I would go. He's all i've ever had that fitted the description of the guy i've wanted. He had everything and still does. It was my stupidity for letting him go when I got scared about how perfect and great he was to me. That's why he probably blew me off in the past,cause of how I left him. We've both been single for 2 yrs now. I'm sorry if I have pissed anyone off but guess what,i've been ticked by a few men over the last couple months. I can't find someone that lives close to me at all cause well,let's see..has a drinking problem..is obsessive...taken(yes the guy kinda forgot to mention that to me..)too old for me...likes to use women..get the picture? All of those types have managed to find me around here. It's aggravating that to find someone i'm gonna have to look who knows how far from my area. I don't see the point in really going out of my way to get noticed so...fuck it. Mike wants me to come down to check out his new house and just to visit for a little cause he knows i've been wanting to get away from here. I am thinking about it and have already thought about trying to go down in october. He's a cameraman for a local tv station down in Texas and they usually have him do footage for the football games. I would love to go watch football down there and he knows it. Anyways,my reasoning for wanting to go there is because first of all,I miss being around him(even if I know nothing good may come out of this),I miss the area itself cause I feel at home there,and finally the biggest reason of all...to get away from my sorry excuse for a brother. Plus this might be a good time for me to try to clear some things out of my mind and relax. So hopefully as of about mid-october I will be away for about 5 or maybe about 9 days. I need this and I will atleast be able to be content for a bit. There is nobody else period that has ever kept me as happy,safe,and loved as he has. I sometimes wonder if anyone is ever going to be like that with me again. K I know there may be a few that could be like that with me but...I have to feel the same way about them too. I can't force myself to be interested in someone if i'm not. I'm sorry.

Alright once again I have a venting blog for my friends who actually know me in rl on here. I've had issues with my one older brother for the past year and half now. He started out doing meth and moved up to apparently recently doing coke. He has been missing since last wednesday. A girl that knows him called the house looking for him because she said she called his work only to find out that he didn't show up for the day. Friday a convenience store called the house telling him he needed to pay for the 30 dollars of gas he got. I was fed up with it all by then. Tuesday I decided to go on a drive up to the place where he took me on Black Friday evening(those who don't know already,yes he did the stuff in front of me and put me in danger as well). I coasted halfway down the alley with the headlights off and into the church parking lot near the place and well...of course there was his truck. He wasn't in it cause he was probably in the apartment. I told my parents and at 2am dad made me go back up with him to the place. My brother of course was gone. Now,here's the odd twist to it all. The Baltimore City cops...called at our house this morning saying that they had him. He told them he had been kidnapped. So this is where i'm a little confused. He walked into the police station,told them he had been kidnapped,someone either took his truck or he sold it for money,and...just..what the hell? See and some people wonder why I am so fixed on going on vacation. This...aaall of this...is why I want the hell out of here! If I can have a whole week where I don't have to hear anything involving any of it...then I can actually relax and breathe. It's pretty messed up that a brother who is three years older than me and always complained about his friends doing stuff when they were in high school...turned himself into a cokehead. I don't understand how he could ever sink as low as he did. He used to be a pretty smart guy,had a job where he was getting 20 bucks an hour,liked his job,seemed to be doing alright and then just started getting into all of this. For now..I have no clue what is going on. I take it I have to go with dad to get him though.

K so...yes..i'm single but guess what? I despise it! My one night stand thing was fun but yeah..it's not something i'm in to. I have gone on a date recently..and it sucked. The guy wasn't as interesting as I thought he was. There was no 'click' and I felt bad cause I think he is still interested in me but i'm not feeling it. If there isn't a click then I can't just force myself to be interested. I'm sorry but that's how it is with me. That's how it is for probably everyone. I'm frustrated and tired of playing the same role of being the single one. I go out and have fun with friends and that's fine. I am just bored with the fact that everyone else has that someone though. I've been single more in my life than taken. When I go out with friends they want me to go to the movies with them or something and well I end up feeling like the third wheel. That does get old after a while ya know. They get all cute and affectionate in front of me and all it does is make me jealous. I know I shouldn't let that get to me but i've dealt with it so much that it just does. The only guys that I find are interested even the slightest bit in me...are not my type. I have the old men that flock to me when i'm at a bar or at work cause apparently I have this sign on my forehead that says 'I love old guys.' I get the guys that are still obsessed with playing video games...or computer stuff that I have no clue what they're talking about..or that are into anime..ect ect. That stuff is boring to me no offense. Now,guys that are into different kinds of music like country and not just one certain type of music,are laid back,funny,sweet,smart,sarcastic...I wouldn't mind that. Yes excuse me for wanting someone that has some of the characteristics of Mike. That's what I fell head over heels for though. So that's what I know I want. Someone with that kind of personality and those kind of interests. I don't want someone who is gonna use me and lie to me. I just want...someone who will treat me the way I should be treated(respectfully),who will go bowling with me or play a pinball game with me now and then,who will talk to me who knows how many times a day just cause they want to hear my voice and check up on me,someone who is going to actually care about me,who will make me laugh and smile when I need it,curl up and watch a movie with me,keep me safe...can pick my ass up when I fall asleep watchin tv or just because, a little muscle maybe and taller than me is always a plus..has no issues with me not having the perfect body..but well that's too much to ask for right? Tell me that someday I will get all of that but ya know what i'm gonna say. I'm tired of being alone and not having someone that gives me that feeling. I love getting that click feeling,the butterflies,the sudden blushes when they say something sweet to me that i'm not used to hearing...it makes me happy. I never get to have those feelings,that's why i'm always in the moods that I am in. You guys think it's all just from work or family probably but it isn't. Most people would think 'yay,i'm single!' me on the other hand,hates it like the plague. I am more happy when I have someone to love and be with and know that they love me back. One night stand crap is worthless to me because well,I still feel empty afterwards. There's no satisfaction out of it for me really. Just oh yay,I ended my dry spell of sex. I'm just fed up with having that empty spot there. If I had a guy in my life I would probably be a lot happier. I'm done bitching now so you can return to your daily routines and what not. Just had to get it out of my system for a little.