Ya'll may remember a few days ago I was lamenting about how I wished I was fine….
Like "Damn, who is that dude?" fine.
And the natural extension........if not actually the root......of this fleeting desire was that I wanted to know what it's like to be approached and/or propositioned by women in random places for no other reason than the very sight of me makes her panties sticky.
Well…. be careful what the fuck you ask for…
Before I start, I don't even want to convey the impression that I'm suddenly the shit and have become Mr. Desirable… 'cause that couldn't be further from the truth.
I'm still pretty much that average nigga that is easily overlooked in a room of crowded muhfuckas.
I mean, just a day or two ago I wrote about my belly girth and shit!
And just how sexy can a dude who lost his dizzle after stepping out the shower be???
Exactly.
But, with that said, I got a taste of what it's like on the other side of average… and dude…. it ain't pretty… nor sexy… nor fun…. nor the hotness.
In fact, it's pretty damn annoying.
So check it.......last Friday was my first night in a bar in Cooper young since Ne Years Eve......so I decided to go kick it with some whitefolx at this local ass pub.
I didnt tell anyone about this cuz i was embarrassed....and i dont usually go to these place....but before i came to the Irish Bar...I went to a hole in the wall juke joint in South Memphis.....
Now this is one of those clubs where everyone from 21 to 70 is up in that bitch.
You could have Grandpa, mamma, and junior all up in that muhfucka jammin doing the damn cha-cha slide.
And, this is no bullshit, I saw a dude who had to be around 70 or so dancing with some chick in her 40's and he actually had her cornered against the wall and LIFTED.HIS.LEG.UP and started pumpin her ass!!
I coulda swore I heard his hips squeakin, but he was workin.that.shit.OUT! You hear me???!!!
And, it's for this same reason, the place had a nice feel/vibe going on.
Everybody was just out to have a good time…. all ages.
Not only could you get your jam on, but you could also go to the back and get some catfish right out the fryer….
….with hot sauce.
Need I say more?
Getting to my point…. I got hit on. HARD.
I'm talking about beaten about the head, shoulders, and dizzle region with game harder than biscuits prepared by a woman born after '75!! (cuz I maintain that ya'll know they can't cook)
The chick that holla'd had long hair…. grey eyes…. a shortie…. thick…. and was 'bout it 'bout it…. already!
*southern slang is the shit*
Oh,.......and she was old........... Like, old as hell.
Like......... so old that Moses was her prom date and they danced to "Wade in the Water."
Like......... so old that she farts dust and cobwebs and a damn Genie comes out that shit.
Like.........so old that her titties have arthritis.
Like.......... so old that her first ride was a chariot on spinners.
Like...... so old she did Betty Rubble and Wilma Flinstone's nails.
This heffa had to be at least 55. ......And that long hair?.... A wig.
And not one of them "stylish" neon green wigs that Shonqueesha.....or Tinkerbell the raver wears to the club….
this heffa had on one of them "Grandma's day to teach Sunday School" wigs with a big ass church hat… cocked to the side…COGIC style.....knockin over drinks and pokin niggas in the temple an' shit. LOL
I'm jus sayin.....
Hey man, ain't shit wrong with a good wig or a good weave… but her shit won't nan bit o' good.
I bet up under that shit, her hair was on some Ms. Jerry from Martin type shit… bald-headed and gray as fuck.
Thick?
Yeah, old woman Aunt Jemima thick.
Grey eyes?...... Contacts........ And what the fuck is a 50+ year old woman doing with colored contacts??
pray for huh ya'll.....
And man, she rolled up on me with a 55 year old body in a teenage outfit.
Vericose veins and mini-skirts??
That's like peanut butter and salami….. or navy blue socks and black shoes…. they.just.dont.match.
And a sleeveless dress!!
Her wrinkeled ass triceps were swingin with the wind everytime somebody walked past.
With some 1963 Easter shoes!
She probably Marched on Washington with them shits.
"I have a dream…. that one day… all bingo playing hoes will stay out the club trying to mack on niggas their son's age!"
Dude!......... honey rolled up on me lookin at me like she was a 5 year old on a sugar high and I had Chuck E. Cheese written on my damn forehead.
She lookin at me like I was a damn Scooby snack an' shit.
She straight looked me in the eye and spit old woman game.
She was flirtin with me like it was 1826.
Talkin about "courtin" and could I sneak off the plantation on the weekend to pay her a visit.
And she was intent!
She was lookin me in the eye the whole time and trying her best to be sexy while suckin on some old bitch ass drink with an umbrella in it…..
obviously five or six drinks past her limit.
Have you ever had a old woman try to grab your dizzle?
Oh Lawd… I cringed!......Like literally..... And gave her that "what in the fuck is WRONG with you" look.
And I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth…. it tasted like catfish and hot sauce.....and I smelled Ben Gay......I.HAVE.NOT.BEEN.THE.SAME.SINCE!
But you know...... even if she had been fine as fuck...... I wouldn't have been with it.
My granddaddy told me long ago that "older women give you worms." LOL
That is some old country ass philosophy right there, but that shit stuck with me.
Like, for example, if Pam "Foxy Brown" Grier tried to holla…. as fine as she is… for 56, that is…. I wouldn't be with it.
She's just too old man… for me. Plus, she gotta flat ass…. that's always a minus.
My name ain't Marcus Graham…. Lady Eloise gets no dizzle 'round here.
"Marrrrrcussss."
Ya'll gotta see boomerang white people.....Eddie Murphy at his finest....I maean comedy wise of course.....(Nulles Perez Hilton)
Ew. Ugh.
And all other two and three-letter words conveying disgust.
I just couldn't do it.
A woman older than my mamma??
No! That's just nasty…
So I was polite…. maybe even a little flattered that out of all the dudes in the club around my age, that she rolled up on me.
Of course, she had probably been shot down before she got to me…
I'm sure I wasn't choice #1….
Or maybe, she just thought I was an easy mark…I probably look horny these days....
Or maybe she was just drunk and had no clue of what the hell she was really doin…which happened again when I finally did make it to Celtic crossing....but thats an entirely different story.....
But shortie… (is it still kosher to call old women "shortie")…. straight spit game at me and made no bones about the fact that she was trying to bump uglies THAT.NIGHT.
And at 55, I bet her shit is uglier than mine. LOL
But she WAS kinda cute… and I WAS kinda drunk… soooo……
So what did I do?? I did what any red-blooded Negro would do!
I slapped it up, flipped it and rubbed it down!!!
KIDDING!!! KIDDING!!!
While she was up in my ear talking about how she needed a "ripe, young man with stamina," my dudes phone rang… or rather it vibrated and I politely excused myself to the patio out back.
Saved by the bell buzzer! Thank da Lawd!!
I don't blame her for being out having a good time….
nor going after what she wanted….
nor living her life the way she fuckin wanted to…
in fact, I commend her for it….
she's a grown ass woman…. get yours girl!
But not here…
it'd just be a waste of your time.
If this is what fine people have to endure daily, unwanted advances, then I will sit here quietly in the land of mediocrity and hum quietly to myself.
say word....
