Icebreaker's blog: "back to the grind..."

It really wasn't that bad...Nothing like staying up late and trying to sleep in knowing that you can't because of the things you have to do. Those just happened to be one of those days to where there were people to call before lunch and I didn't get to hear what I wanted. Well, part of it I didn't want to hear. lol I called my unit here and was inquiring about my departure date and my mobilization station prior to my deployment, since it was supposed to be next month. YEAH, SUPPOSED TO BE...well, it has been pushed back another month due to them having a large workload to contend with. The good part about it though, I'm not going to be freezing my butt off in Jersey. :-) I'll be in the south for it and that makes me feel ohhh sooo much better. The thing that makes this all that much more difficult to deal with is that I'm not having the communication that I'm wanting or needing. You know who you are if you have read this. Being pushed away from the fact I'm leaving sucks...I know that I accepted the opportunity for deployment, but the reaction I got took me back a few steps and it hasn't gotten better, but worse. I feel like I talk to myself most of the time when it comes to this. I know that people protect themselves from getting hurt more than what they already anticipate happening, but this goes both ways. I wanted to get closer, but I know it's not fair, but I wanted to sustain, maintain what I already had/have and that is slipping past and not because I want it to, but because it's a protective measure from her. I mean honestly...what can I do now? Just keep trying to maintain and hope that it works for the best? Works its way into the right direction? We shall see...There IS a light at the end of the tunnel and it's always there within my grasp, but just far enough away that it's out of reach. Does that make sense at all? I know that things are said for a reason and I may not always like what I've heard, especially even dealing with the Army, but it's not always a bad thing and keeps my mind strong, when other bits of me are weak or stressed. I'm a little more positive at the moment, despite on what's going on in my life right now...I'll keep my head above the water, I always do, even if it's by a thread. Just keep smiling, I think to myself...

Yeah, I know that I said I was going to leave this weekend, but I decided against it for now. No biggie really to be honest...I'll just contemplate and wage my options here, but I'm not going to be thinking about that at the moment. Right now I need some sleep...You may think that I'm just now getting up, but I'm just getting home. Kinda different for me to have pulled and all-nighter, but I did. I got to meet up with a friend that I haven't seen in almost 5 years last night. Really haven't even spoke all that much since then either. Go figure...right? lol Nothing like being able to play catch up and talking about the good ol' days of before. And to be honest, it was nice to be able to sit down at a meal, talk and BS...That hasn't happened for me for a while for sure. Or so sometimes it feels like it...Meaning someone that's outside of family to be able to do that. Most would be "dog tired" after being up for as long as what I had today and then having to drive home too, but to be honest, I was quite refreshed. I even had a nice drive back home. I was a little nervous at first because I knew that it had rained the day before and since temps barely dropped below freezing, that there may be ice on the overpasses. I was surprised to know that there wasn't. So, I was able to putt along and make it home with reassurance. Friends that are able to pick back up like nothing had ever happened is an awesome thing. I just hope that this won't be the only one that I can do this with. Only time will tell and well, making back from Iraq safe and sound will be a relief as well. I bid you goodnight for now and will get a few hours rest before I start back up another day.

Yes, you read the title right. I'll be making this my last entry on this site as a whole. I'm not wanting to for one obvious reason and that's something that won't be discussed on here. Well, that one reason has two parts, but either way...same deal. I'm speechless almost. I know what I want to say, but I find it hard to make my fingers push the buttons to type it out. It's been rather a hard and difficult day, but I'm happy and sad. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and I can honestly say that was proven to me just a few minutes ago. It's hard to let go of things or someone that means soo much to you, you know? Sometimes you HAVE to do it though. If the moments spent together were that meaningful and precious, there will be more to follow. You just need patience, understanding for why things have to be done and a warm heart...That hug right before I walked out the door was probably the best hug that I've gotten in a long time and for several reasons...but the main thing was that it was full of emotion, heartfelt emotion. The type that makes you want to hold on like as if it was for dear life. I can't though...at least not for now. For that moment though I felt that nothing could hurt me, I mean nothing...and yeah, I ache now, but you know what? It's better to feel than to never have felt. She knows this, because I told her so. For once, I'm not afraid to put myself out there, speak my piece and take risks. That hug as well as just having a little chat reassured me that everything will be ok. I'm not lost, probably never was to begin with, but I can't say I didn't feel like it was. I'll be back soon...you can guarantee it. Keep me in your prayers as you'll be in mine. I can never thank you enough and will be forever in your debt. I jumped in feet first and have no regrets on doing so. You know that now and to be honest, I'm glad that I spoke up. I don't want to live my life thinking that I did or didn't do something that I'd regret and I have no regrets at all. Thank you for being you, allowing me to be me, flaws and all. That's a foundation that lifetimes are made upon which ever course you choose in life. Showing you're not perfect, you're vulnerable, you're compassion and that you're alive. Will this be my final entry? Only she knows...and if it is, then I guess I'll have to find another place to be open. ;) Always...

I mentioned that I may have a few more entries to post and well...there should be no surprise. And as no surprise, fubar doesn't want to play nice so this entry will be a jumbled mess with no paragraph breaks. I apologize now in advance. It seems like I may just continue typing til the next day comes, which would make sense to the title of this entry. lol You know, I'm usually not one that's all that great on expressing myself. Well, I do, but not on the emotional level as much or as often as I should. It's a downfall of mine that I work to correct as I type. My actions haven't been the best either, but when you're near a deployment, what's the best or the right thing to do??? It wrecks my head sometimes...Call it the proverbial internal fight or conflict. So now...I gradually place my cards down on the table, curious on how they will pan out, but I can't expect what I hope for. I'm willing to take the risks. For once, I'm willing to. I don't feel like I have to and am glad of that too. Feeling like you HAVE to do something rather than WANTING to do something has never been my forte. It's a quick 180 for me...because that's not what it's about. At least that's not what it is to me. Sometimes a coax or hint is good, but that's about it. A lot of it is that I don't always read the signs given to me and it's not that I'm ignoring them by any means, but some I want to pick up on and run with them because I'm not wanting to walk away soo easily. Not this time...So for the next few days, leading up to the next few months will be interesting as well as challenging. How determined will I be, will I let things slip through my grasp like I had soo many times before or will I have put too much of an effort to make something work and have it backfire??? Am I nuts for willing to put it out there to have that potentially happen? You're damn right I am!!! Some people are worth taking chances, risks and putting things on the line for. It doesn't matter if it's your emotions, your sanity or anything for that matter. If someone you think is worth it, then jump in the water with both feet and swim. It may take a little bit to get back to the surface, but you eventually will. And you're either going to surface feeling like a million bucks or you'll be able to sit down, reflect and think that it was worth every moment you spent, because you only get one chance...If a second one happens, then God is definitely on your side looking out for your best interest. Just like my deployment...ok, I volunteered for the first one and I did it again for this one coming up, but I'm a soldier and have been for the last 16+ years. One day I won't be, I'll be retired, but I know that everything that I've done was for a reason that I wouldn't regret no matter how rotten it got. This is a new year and I'm doing my best to take that same approach in a different way. I don't think about the what-ifs while I'm over there concerning myself...Faith, trust and loyalty is my guide both professionally and personally in my life. I know that trust is probably the hardest one of those all, but you know what? It's there...all I ask in return if those values exist in others...have faith, trust your instincts or "gut" feelings and knowing with those two entact that your side won't be left unguarded (if that is a word)...And can you believe it? I finished this on the new day. lol Ok, don't act all surprised. You knew I was planning on making that happen.

Well, I lay here for a moment on my bed to type this. I know what I should be doing and hopefully my dad will be patient enough for me too. Yeah, we're doing the lunch thing again today, but I need to say a few words and get busy around here. Time...what an interesting thing. When I have too much time on my hands, I think. Sometimes it's more than I should...The what-ifs, the whys and all the other fun stuff that comes along with it. I struggle with it to be honest. And to make things worse, I deploy next month back to Iraq and well...think mode is in overdrive. It doesn't help when you get close to friends and closer with others. It makes you not want the good things to stop, but you know that it's going to HAVE to happen. It makes your head swim, your heart ache and drives your mind to places you don't want it to go. Why do you think that something like that could happen? Well, it's obviously written, but I guess for me is that it shows me that I cared more deeply than I thought, especially with the absence. Is it easy to get close to someone and fall for them...sure. Do you want it to happen...it depends on the person, but most definitely. Is the timing bad? Does a leper have problems keeping himself together? lol Yeah, I had to throw something in there to offset things somewhat. The hardest thing for me that I think about soo often is that I've spent the last couple of years, isolated. Some by choice where others are by circumstance. And the moment when I want to break free from it all, I can't. Time isn't on my side this time and I feel compelled to get closer than before, not just to put things out on the line, but to show or at least say that something is missing...let emotions get exposed so that I have something to look forward to when I return, rather than a hope. Trust me, it's been years since I've strong feelings for anyone and time has snuck up on me and made things harder than before. Even to the point of having regrets on taking this deployment. I know it's within my best interest for me in the long run, but what effect with it play elsewhere? Will, everything be lost, will it pick up where it left off? I wished I had the answers, but there's only one way to find out. Don't be a stranger, but don't smother either (which I find that I may be doing that somewhat now) and keep positive that the best is worth waiting for. So, a new addition is added to my evening bedtime prayer that the best is worth waiting for and that from time to time, puts a smile on my face thinking that. Enough for now...those who know I can type, I could fill pages worth, so for now I'll stop and will add entries over the next few days and contemplate keeping this site valid or just go ahead and close it.

Sometimes taking leave is best when you can stay on it a while...A couple of weeks ago I took a week off. Sounds great to most, but it wasn't enough for me. I haven't really had more than that since I've been back from Iraq and that was last year. Anyways...I know this may sound bad, but the only friend I got to see was one that was in Mississippi. Just the opposite end from where I'm at in the state. I'm about an hour from the gulf, for you map nuts. lol I didn't get to see anyone back home and didn't get to see all of my immediate family either. Hey when folks get divorced and move away...move into new houses and all, doesn't always make things easy. The grind...the job, the proverbial workplace. It's sad that it's been two weeks since I've been back and I already am starting to feel burned out again. It is from being overworked, dealing with office drama??? Seeing commrades PCS to other stations and others retire? Who knows...Maybe this will be a good weekend. Well, after I get back from Gulfport with boss anyways. ;)