CantSleepClownsWillEatMe's blog: "Back in the States"

Well tomorrow is 4 weeks since back in the states. I stopped counting the days and went to weeks, it makes it seem a little bit shorter. I did find a job, not the best job in the world but one that semi keeps me busy and keeps me sane from my own mind. What I mean by that is that I am a serious "thinker" I will analyze and pick everything apart and sometimes make a mole hill out of an ant hill. I am still missing my boyfriend like mad. Although we are able to see one another on cam, it just is not the same as being able to reach out and touch him. I think I am missing his touch and his looking at me as if I am really someone special. He still gives me the look on cam but it is so much more powerful when we are together. I remember when I was in Germany he told me that we are one, we pull together on the same string. Right now I feel that string is really stretched out, oceans apart...yet I do also know somewhere in that string is elastic and we will bounce back and bind even harder then we were. It is going to be so amazing being able to rediscover every about him from his thought down to his body. I still have about 8 1/2 more weeks till I can return to Germany. Now since I have been back I have also stayed with my sister, renting her couch...I do totally need to talk to her because I am not working 40 hours a week and need the so called rent lowered, because I want to be putting money away for Germany.

I think its day 9.... Things aren't getting a whole lot easier being back in the states. Sure I was able to see him this weekend on cam off and on, but it wasn't enough to satisfy me. I sound greedy I know, but when it comes to Rudi, I absolutely cant get enough of him. The other night I was really negative when I was talking to him and that was not a good thing! He straight out told me that if I wanted it to work I needed to try to remain positive for both him and I. Which after some thinking, I must say that I do have to agree with him. Tomorrow I am going to apply for a phone job (doing surveys), because its something easy, and they don't have to invest money in me and wont miss me when I leave in 3 months to go back to Germany. That is something else Rudi said to a friend of mine, is that I need to get a job so I keep my mind busy, its not so much about the money its just when I have nothing to do I sit there and analyze and pick apart every situation there is. He is so optimistic, while I am very pessimistic. Can people change? I would like to become optimistic as well, just not sure how to change my thinkings in that direction when I do analyze everything.

Well day 5 back in the states. Tonight I am staying over at my sisters so I am able to see Rudi tomorrow when he gets back to Trier. I am so excited to see him even if it is on cam and not in person. He has been a real angel, called me the past 3 days from a pay phone, it really helped the missing him quite a bit to just hear his voice. Today I went and applied for a damn production job and was turned down because of the conviction I had in 2003. That is so F'd up. The conviction was cuz I was married to the dope man and had gotten a conspiracy charge. But not getting the job due to that was really a downer. I have had jobs that I actually could see myself being turned down for but they gave me a chance. So now, onto looking for absolutely anything just so I can pass time till I go back to Germany. I wish this night would pass quickly because I know when I get up in the morning will be about the time he is getting home.

My Gosh.....wish I could be saying day 83 or something like that here. I just keep wishing things will get a little easier. If I had another connection besides dial up I could go to profiles etc etc etc and kill some time but I dont. Although this weekend I will be staying at my sisters so will be on dsl woohoo! But my main concern for staying over there is my hunni will be back at the apartment friday and I will be able to see him on cam. All this text messaging to Germany is a pain in the butt cuz I cant say half of what I want to say in a text message. He did surprise me the past 2 days and called me from a payphone in Frankfurt. That helped some just hearing his voice yet I long to see him as well. I have never felt such strong emotions in my life, they kind of amaze me cuz I know that I do have true love here. All the times before I must have just been in a caring status.... Just wanted to update a day 4..... on the lighter side of things........ Alles Klar!

0853 Day 3 Well day 3 back in the states. Doesnt seem to be going to much easier cuz I find myself missing my him terribly! Last night stayed at my sisters so I could see him on cam before he went out of town for the week to work. This being on dial up is really difficult on me cuz I like to visit my friends and cant do much right now. I will be back on dsl this weekend when I stay at my sisters again. I need to be getting out and finding a job for the next 3 months just to keep my mind occupied. I have found that sleeping is difficult, I guess once you get used to sleeping next to a warm body and instead waking up to a stuffed animal (yes i am hopeless, its sprayed with his cologne) it just makes you miss that body so much more. While I was in Germany I always woke up before he did and I would just lay there and watch him sleep. Seems so weird to be back in the states having all my friends call just to see how I am doing. Then I am sure they get tired of hearing me say how much I miss him! I guess the counting down till the days I can return to Germany is going to drive me crazy too! Now only 87 more days but right now it seems like forever! Now on the lighter side........You know your not in Europe anymore when your not hearing the church bells chime every 15 minutes, instead you hear the diesel trains....BLAH!

Day 2 0719 am Well day 2 back in the states. Doesn't seem to be getting any easier yet. I am now at my moms and using dial up, which of course getting my CT addiction in sucks...So friends, if I am not visting profiles you understand why. I am missing Rudi so bad, longing to hear his voice, see him and touch him. Last night I didn't sleep well, kept waking up, hoping I was dreaming and I would be laying next to him. But of course that dream didn't happen. Last night I when I woke up at 230 I wanted to talk to him so bad so I sent him a text to call me, and he did. Hearing his voice makes it a little easier for the time being, but yet makes me miss him even harder! I am one of the luckiest people alive to have what I have, this I know. The only thing is the being away part is so damn hard!!! I don't know what I am going to do to keep myself occupied today, my mom and her husband are at work, and I am at the house and there are no busses near by. I do know I need to find a job to keep my days filled so they will go a little faster for me. But ok enough of my babbling for now.... and on the lighter side... You know your not in Europe anymore when you go to flush the toilet on top and its on the side...DOH!

Its Day 1 back in the states. Right now I am missing him so bad although I have seen him on cam and talked to him on the phone numerous times. Its just not the same not being able to reach out and hold him or to touch him gently. The flight back was horrid, the flight from Frankfurt into Detroit was awful! Being stuck in the middle seat when I specifically requested an aisle seat, I hate climbing over people to get out. On that flight someone became very very sick, they had him in back of the plane then had him sitting in aisle 46 hence I was in aisle 45. Once landing in Detroit they had the paramedics there waiting for him. In Detroit going through customs and immigrations was a pure NIGHTMARE, them asking what I was doing in Germany for 3 mths and how I afforded it if I wasnt working, I had to go through the spiel about 4 times that my boyfriend is German! Then they made me DECLARE my 200 grams of tobacco when that is allowed to be brought, as I stated it was a nightmare. Once I got through customs and immigrations in Detroit I had to find my way to another side of the airport, had to take a shuttle there, I was so scared of missing my connecting flight it was unreal! (and did I mention I had a 2 hr layover there, you would have thought I had 10 minutes). The flight to Denver was not to bad, was able to relax a little more on that plane, excepting for the screaming child that was on it. In Denver I did have an hour layover, was able to finally charge my phone after 3 months and was able to speak to Rudi which helped tremendously! The flight to Spokane from Denver was only 2 hours so that was the shortest flight. Hence at that time I had been up over 24 hours so my body was feeling it. Once I got to my sisters I was able to see and talk to my hunni on cam. I just hope these days get easier, I really miss him already and feel alone. My Heart has an Owner all though right now its sad =(