Ok the last blog I did was a rough one for me. I was entering into a state of depression that brought me to the edge of suicide. I hated everything in my life and I was about to end it all when something amazing happened. But I will get to that in a minute...
To sum up what has happened since the last blog... I went to court for a restraining order charge that was placed on me by my ex that was preventing me from seeing my daughter. I ended up making a deal where I got supervised visits with my daughter every other weekend. I was overjoyed just to be able to see her, but at the same time every time I saw her face and heard her voice my heart was torn further because I knew that everything that I had was destroyed. And as much as it hurt to see her I couldn't go without her. I was dying inside with or without her. I needed her because she offered me unconditional love but at the same time she reminded me that my ex was a destoyer of worlds. After my second visit from her everything was at the lowest point that they had ever been for me. Every day I woke up my first thought was about suicide.... I wanted the pain to end... My only reason for not doing it was Gabby... I couldn't leave her to this world without me to be there to protect her whenever I could. Then there came the day I decided she was better off without me... I was ready for the end... I walked to the library and got on a computer to write a blog explaining what I was about to do. When I signed in I talked to a good friend of mine from this sight. She told me she missed me and that she was gonna call me if I wanted her to. I said yes. That night she called and we talked for 10 hours... I felt lighter than I had in a long time.... She talked to me about everything and it felt great to have that again. Over the next week we talked every night for hours. And every time we talked it made me feel better about me... She was bringing me back from the dead, so to speak.
Well after we had talked for a while I realized what was happening... I was falling in love with Julie. I hadn't felt this strongly about any of the exex that I had had in my life. She was funny, she was sad at times, she was angry, most of all she was real. LOL The night I told her that I loved her the first time was great. We were talking about relationships and we hit a spot where I thought she was about to tell me that she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I couldn't help but tell her how I felt. I remember my words... "I love you and I never want to lose this feeling." Her response was great... "What'd you just say?" And I laughed a little and said..."I love you." She was silent. I thought I had scared her. So I changed the subject. A couple days later I said it again without realizing I was saying it. She said she loved me too.... My heart soared out of the blackness it was in and I knew that I was going to be ok if I had her in my life.
Ok so at this point we made plans for me to come to Kentucky to visit for a few weeks. Well the funny thing is we hit it off so well that we ended up deciding that I should stay here until we can get to Maine and get my stuff moved here. We are also planning on getting married. Julie has completely changed my life. Although I miss my daughter every day, being with Julie makes everything feel good. I never have a day go by that makes me wish I was back home. I love being here with her. Although we have had a couple of bad days because I have problems with trust, overall we have had no problems. I want nothing more than to marry this woman and be with her forever.
Julie I know you are gonna read this and I know that you are going to talk to me about some of this. I want you to know that you are everything to me now... You saved my life without even knowing that it was in danger. I know you know that I love you with all that I am. And I know you love me back. As long as we have that nothing will ever truly go wrong with our relationship. Remember that as long as you choose to keep me, which I hope is forever, I will be here to dry your tears and make you smile. I will never break your heart and I will never allow someone else to hurt you without me letting them know where they stand. I can't wait until the day I make you my wife and we are able to be one.
