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What are you waiting for?

Another day has turned it's page. I still don't understand why I am constantly feeling down. I miss my old life. I miss my baby girl. 2 years old and i avnt been seeing her because I have nothing to give her. No materials, or love because I cannot love myself. This whole world has turned upside down. Katey is a great mom and a very responsible person. Shes got a good job and is hopefully doing really well. But do i really miss her? All i have is a glimpse. No image, no stillframe. Her presence is no longer within my eyes its all heartache from here on out. I know i fucked up, multiple times. But, why did things have to get as bad as they did? Yea, I smoke weed. Get over it. Soon I'm going to get my card so it will be legal. All I'm saying is that it has effects on me that are medicinal, and that is that. I may have other problems that are not fully understood by people (even though they say they get it) They Don't!!

I hve kept this job, and right when i started makig money, child support starts rapin me. Without no hearing or notice, my paychecks are now cut in half. What the fuck am i supposed to do. I guess I'm expected to just work and let my paychecks get cut and me not see my kid cause "I'm crazy" FUCK YOU!!! I was a geat fucking father to Izabel, and this is how i get repaid.

One of these days I'm ging to find a girl. Someone who loves me for everything I am, and I will love everything about her, and I will never let her go. I miss love, i miss the feeling of having someone there to come home and talk to. Lay in bed for hours and just talk. I miss going out to dinner, movies, flea markets and not buy anything. hahaha... One day i will have the money to survive the right way. and when that happens things can start lining up in order, and my life will finally have some sort of stability. I'm just so sick of feeling low.

I don't know, maybe I am fucking crazy. The things that go through my mind are just out there. But, who's perfect? It only seems that when I'm alone I can see how "crazy" i am. Nothing but darkness and pain. I try day after day to put a smile on my face, and know that no matter what happens I'm going to push through it or die trying. I'm not scared of death. I'm just scared for the ones I leave behind. I hope no one ever feels the pain I have and still do to this day. I love all my friends very much. I just hope I don't break! Wait.. I can't i'm already broken!!!

- Broken Vein

Let' Start Somethin'

Let me get that. Let me drag that. kick back, stack that. I'ma drop this dark track, Bring it back, oldschool for you damn fools... Hell Yeah!! We steady white boy mobbin'. you laugh but what you droppin'. I'm never stoppin'. This life of mine hasnt been great, but im straight. smokin a cigerette on a fucking milk crate. Goin to work, I'm never late. I go hard in the paint. Let's rock baby, My beats are heavy, and B Ran's guitars will break the levee. Cruisin in a Chevy, listening to deadsy! Let's start someting to make everyone run. Call Gun Ganun, and tell him to bring the shotgun. Have some fun, and before we're done, We might lt you run... World's spinnin' round. No need to go down. On top of my game, can you hear the sounds? So i'm gonna bring the beat back, and let the money stack. so kick back, and relax.

Another Day In The Shade

So today i went swimming twice. chilled by the pool with my roomates and some freinds. I heard this girl talking about this guy she i seein. and how he has been a "dickhead' and/or.. so i ask her " do you think that you feeling like this against him, and you knowing he's not here with you to make you feel good and make each other happy by being together is a positive way to be if you both really like each other?" Now i got silence for a few seconds, and then after that silence she walksaway and calls this guy and tlks to him for an hour. Now, i'm kind of curious as to what transpired, but it's nne of my business and im glad that im not in a relationship like that. Two people should enjoy being together. I myself wish i had someone to love again. to know that person, came to where you are at to see you is a remarkable feeling. and to be able to hold someone in front of all your homies and say, "this is mine". I guess in a way im trying to look for love. and another part of me doesnt want it, because im scared that i will never be able to be ME in any relationship cause o girl i've met, has ever like me for me! I feel like i have a lot of good qualities that a woman can appreciate. and if i can find that appreciation, I would be the happiest person.
There is a lot that goes into a relationship. Honesty, and openess are some of the key ingredients. And that includes telling someone that you feel you have to lie to hide who you are because of the others likes or dislikes.
So other than that today was pretty lame. woke up, took a shower, went swimming in the pooring rain (which was fun as hell), played catch with the football in the rain, heard the new Trivium Song, and now im chillin online listening to music about to crack open a brew!! Have a good day tomorrow everyone, and dont forget that smiles are fucking awsome!!!
Love, Dustin
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