Social isolation. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know what I need. What is emotionally healthy? How do I know if I'm repressing my feelings, or just don't need friends? I mean, I'm not really unhappy. My job is a lot of work, and I don't like having to yell at kids when I lose my patience, but I do enjoy going to work everyday. My situation is a significant upgrade from last year. Everyday I would go to work with a knot in my stomach and now I stride into those front doors with fresh breath and a general excitement about the upcoming events.
So yesterday we got a special treat of a McDonalds sponsored event and the only reason I'm mentioning this is that when Ronald McDonald showed up, I nearly pissed my pants. This Ronald was about 5' 6", but weighed about 300 pounds. I guess it was kind of equivalent to seeing a skinny Santa Clause. Ronald must be eating a few extra big macs a day. He toddled on over to me with a big smile on his face and actually asked me if I had anything to eat. I couldn't come up with anything clever to say in response, so I politely told him I didn't and went on my way. All that being said, fat clowns make a lot of sense to me. It's the skinny ones that seem a bit more frightening. About ten years ago, my family had gone to an annual Hannukah party and the hosts had hired a clown to entertain us kids. Well this clown had possibly the biggest button malfunction in the history of funny buttons gone wrong. My sister, who already had developed a strong fear of clowns, noticed that his button said "Hug Therapist," but the way the words were broken up on the button made it look as if it said Hug the/rapist. Needless to say, my sister cannot be in the same room as any individual with a big red smile painted on his face.
I'm so happy there is not a video camera in my classroom. No woman would ever want to date me if she'd experience what I do in front of my children. I dance, break into song, and just say silly things. Like Shabbado and sing the Love Song..." L is for the way you look at me" I'm a fool.
So I read today that Hollywood is working on producing a film version of "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. This happens to be one of my favorite books of all time, and yet, it doesn't seem like the type of novel that would transition well to the big screen. So much of Marquez's style depends on his beautiful use of language. If they pull it off, I'll be forever indebted. I just can't see it happening.
Just waiting patiently to be happy again. Maybe I shouldn't wait. But pills just don't seem like the answer for me. Not depressed...just not happy. There's a difference. I'll send out some more good vibes and pray they come back tenfold. I hope you catch one.
