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What are you waiting for?
Sometimes you have to pull stuff out of your arm...
The knife was clean, the sink was filthy.
I could hear a slide guitar in the background.
And I started to squeeze.
I think this is supposed to hurt.
So I complain, I whince, I grimace, I yelp.
There's a tiny redhead that wags her tail when she looks at me.
Painted on jeans, twiggy and fragile.
I wouldn't mind, but I try not to invite.
Talk. Favor. Advise.
Wonder what she thinks of battered condom wrappers,
and novelty boxers,
and men rapidly approaching thirty.
I think I'm supposed to be happy
so I smile, I laugh, I bump, I lean, step closer by step.
Sometimes we rest in long, ornate boxes.
The suit was clean, the body was empty.
I could hear a slide guitar in the background...
I think this is supposed to hurt,
but nothing comes out.
No matter how hard I squeeze.
She told me she loves me.
In a blindside without sex, jewelry, or tragedy.
I wouldn't mind.
I wish it had been the first time
so I could trust
plunge
succumb.
I think I'm supposed to be happy...
1. What time did you get up this morning?
10:00.
2. How do you like your steak?
Medium, with some rice, couscous, good bread, or potatoes to soak up the juice.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Avengers. Fuck yeah.
4. What are your favorite TV shows?
M*A*S*H, Good Eats, Iron Chef... the one from Japan.
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
Somewhere in the country, preferably with a mild climate.
6. What did you have for breakfast?
Liverwurst and roast beef sandwich with horseradish/mustard. And granola.
7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Yes. ... oh. Fuck. That's a very complicated question for me. I'll defer to "Spanish" for the moment.
8. What foods do you dislike?
Peas. Genitals/reproductive/excretory organs.
9. Favorite Place to Eat?
My kitchen. ... or The Plantation Steakhouse in Topeka. Five hundred yards from the ranch/slaughterhouse. Best prime rib I've ever had. Or Haywards in KC That place is magical. Or Jasper's in KC, that place is noice. Or this crazy place I went to in Omaha where they had trains, and giant murals/dioramas... and pretty good Italian food.
10. Favorite salad dressings?
Olive oil, sea salt, and a little citrus.
11.What kind of vehicle do you drive?
Silver bullet.
12. What are your favorite clothes?
550 jeans, t-shirt, chuck taylors, maybe a fashionable jacket.
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance?
Salt Lake City, but mostly to see my brother ... err... only to.
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full?
Cup thrown against the wall in rage. You should be more concerned with the bottle.
15. Where would you want to retire?
The country... hopefully some place with a moderate climate.
16. Favorite time of day?
Dinner.
17. Where were you born?
Kansas.
18. What is your favorite sport to watch?
Baseball. By far. People say it's boring... obviously they've not really watched a football game and noticed all the time they're WAITING FOR THE GAME TO RESUME!!! Yeah, there's time between pitches, and time between sides changing, but dollar for dollar, football has a LOT more time of people standing the fuck around, getting measurements, or pissing and moaning about calls.
19. Who do you think will not tag you back?
Wut?
20. Person you expect to tag you back first?
... wut?
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this?
... ... wut?
22. Bird watcher?
No. Unless we're using "bird" as a slang term for women.
23. Are you a morning person or a night person?
Night
24. Pets?
gigantor puppy.
26. What did you want to be when you were little?
Shrink. Assassin. Robotics expert. Physicist. Writer. I'm... some of these things.
27. What is your best childhood memory?
Let's not go there.
28. Are you a cat or dog person?
Dog. I was a dog at least once before >>
29. Are you married?
Nope.
30. Always wear your seat belt?
No. ... I have to get out of the car sometime don't I?
31. Been in a car accident?
Yes. Pretty nasty one too.
32. Any pet peeves?
Insipid statements.
33. Favorite pizza topping?
Only one? ... ... ... that's too much pressure. But my favorite pizza is the tutta carne at Via's in Topeka. Almost died for that pizza.
34. Favorite Flower?
Chrysanthemums, the flower of the emperor, or those purty nightblooming cacti, or jasmine.
35. Favorite ice cream?
A well made vanilla or sweet cream shows an attention to detail/artistry that bells and whistles can't contend with.
36. Favorite fast food restaurant
Do locally owned drive-ins count as fast food?
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test?
Zero.
38. From whom did you get your last email
Paypal.
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
I don't do credit cards.
40. Do anything spontaneous lately?
Hung out with my musician friends tonight actually >> hence the giant thing of water I'm drinking.
41. Like your job?
Not particularly, but I mostly like the people I work with.
42. Broccoli?
Blanched or raw. Never boiled, steamed, or fried.
43. What was your favorite vacation?
Carribean cruise. I got my brother to try anchioves. Had gelato... got a fantastic massage from a hot South African girl... set foot on France without ever going to Europe... noodle that one.
44. Last person you went out to dinner with?
Mom and pop.
45. What are you listening to right now?
The sound of my AC, and my dog snoring.
46. What is your favorite color?
German blue, midnight blue, black.
47. How many tattoos do you have?
Zero.
50. Are you in Love?
We apparently skipped a few... but yeah. Just... more as an idea, or a wanting.
Can you fill this out without lying?
Probably, but I'm not saying that I won't.
Whats the last thing you put in your mouth?
My tongue.
Where was your default picture taken?
My room, next to some very old curtains.
Last time you cried?
uuuh... man, I dunno... It probably had something to do with dogs
Can you play a musical instrument?
I play a mean stereo.
Last time you walked further than a block?
Today.
Name someone that made you laugh today?
I haven't really laughed today.
How late did you stay up last night and why?
At least 3:20. Later, but that was about the last time I saw the clock. I don't really sleep all that well.
If you could move somewhere else, would you?
Yes.
Ever been kissed under fireworks?
Yeah, and they were professional grade, downwind, and I got a nice hot chunk of rock-sand lodged in my eye from one of the effects...
Do you believe exes can be friends?
Dear. God. No. But then, my exes have all done pretty terrible things to me.
Do you like calling or texting better?
*shrugs* I'd rather talk on a porch.
How do you feel about Diet Dr Pepper?
I'd rather not.
What time is it?
16:41
Where are you at right now?
Earth.
What bed did you sleep in last night?
Mine.
What was the last thing someone bought for you?
hmm... I think my mom bought me some Italian deli meats.
Who took your profile picture?
Me.
Who was the last person you took a picture of?
Me.
Was yesterday better than today?
Today isn't over yet.
Can you live a day without TV?
Can and have. Weeks even.
Are you mad about anything?
I just pulled a stinger or something out of my eyebrow, that hurt, the current geo-political thing is a constant irritant, I'm not getting laid, I'm underemployed, and I'm on the edge of my seat for my legal paperwork to go through.
Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
Sure. Fucking is a pretty good motivator.
When was the last time you were extremely disappointed?
15 seconds ago?
Are you a bad influence?
My goodness. No. Unless I want to have sex with you >>
Night out or night in?
In (the butt)
Are you more of an individual or an outgoing person?
Individual. I don't like or trust most people.
What items could you not go without during the day?
Food. Water. Clean air.
Would you share a drink with a stranger?
From the same glass? Probably not. Just talking and having our own drinks? I've already done that.
Do you think its right for straight guys to get their tongue pierced?
Eh. It's not an issue of right or wrong, it's more an issue of trying too hard.
Have you ever thrown shoes on a telephone wire?
Yeah. Wasn't really that big of a deal.
What does the last text message in your inbox say?
This should be hilarious out of context: "You'd be the first. :) We don't have to make physical contact, by the way. And you can keep all your clothes on."
How do you feel about your life right now?
Work in progress, held back, pushing forward.
Do you hate anyone?
Oh my... yes.
If we were to look in your inbox, what would we find?
Which inbox? On fubar, possibly sexually charged messages. On my emails, spam, and order confirmations.
Will you have a valentine this year?
Dunno. I don't have one at the moment.
Last person you talked to on the phone?
Gabbi.
How's your heart?
I have one of those murmor things.
Say you were given a drug test right now, Would you pass?
With an A+
Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
Probably.
What song is stuck in your head?
"Back home" from the Fallout 3 soundtrack. Which is okay, I like that song.
Wanna have kids before you’re 30?:
I would, but it seems increasingly unlikely.
Name something you have to do tomorrow?:
Go to work.
Can you whistle?
Yes, and I can do that slick compound snap where you snap all your fingers. On both hands.
Do you sleep on your side, stomach, or back?
Yes.
What gets in your way of your sleeping?
Yes.
Are your eyes the same color as your mom or dad?
Yes.
Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
Yes. I found it to be a misguided thing to say since they're pretty close to onyx/black.
Do you think too much or too little?
I think.
Do you smile a lot?:
No. Unless something justified happened.
Who was your last missed call on your cell phone?
Mom. She calls. A lot.
Are you happy with your life?
See above. ... err several questions above.
Can you handle the truth?
You can't.
Do you get 8 hours of sleep everyday?
Dear god no. I'm lucky to get 4.
What was the last book you read?
"Blood and Chocolate" It's the favorite book of someone close to me. Thought I'd make a sincere gesture and read it.
Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with?:
Last... guy... I had a conversation with. Scott from the cafe? Nah he's a sweety.
What were you doing 30 minutes ago?
16:20? Trolling fubar for hot babes.
Honestly, who was the last person to tell you that they love you?
Gabbi... but she does it in that condescending, teasing, friend way.
Did you have an exciting last weekend?
Not so much. Did get some painting done.
Have you ever crawled through a window?:
A lot.
Do you like yourself?
I do. I hope I keep my hair for another three decades.
Are you wearing a necklace?:
No. But I should be.
What color is your shirt?
Black. A bit faded.
Are you an emotional person?:
Probably. But mostly negative, fear-related emotions.
What is something that can always make you feel better?
Correcting an obvious oversite. Winning streaks. I'd say sex, but I've had it where it made me feel used, and awful. Bourbon falls into the "would but" category too.
Will this weekend be a good one?
It has potential.
What do you want right now?
A small cigar. A real job. A clean slate. A pretty wife. A club sandwich and some cherry sevenup.
Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
Yeah. I got great legs.
Look behind you, what do you see?
A table with a lot of project related stuff.
Have you ever worked in a food place?
Nope.
What would you name your future daughter?
Ella is growing on me.
Any summer plans for 2012?
Not particularly. I'd like to see a baseball game and get some barbeque while I'm in KC.
The last thing you heard?
The hum of my air conditioner... geeze wouldn't this be a horrible question to ask a deaf person.
I didn't have anything notedly insightful or markedly poetic to say today.
You may have noticed a flood of music in my videos section.
It's shit you mostly don't listen to.
Nobody does.
The Jpop is about true love.
The James Brown is about some nice
hard
drugs
called funk.
Beck is Beck. Always has been.
And then there's the Blues.
The words. The rhythm. The melody.
It's about exploding. Very quietly, and hopefully out of everyone's way.
It's about going to bed by yourself, and still sleeping with the enemy.
I've not had a particular emotion the last few ... weeks?
Mostly an irritation and lonliness.
Prevailing. Not really subsiding.
If you watch, and maybe re-arrange, and put it all back together
you'd have a better picture than I do.
Fuck I want to stay home and drink tomorrow.
Just long enough to miss work, and smoke a cigarette.
These feelings might not be relevant in six months.
The trophies might fall off the wall.
The scars might fade.
But the music will remain.
I tried to take the road without footprints or signs.
I tried to laugh at your mistakes.
I tried to smile at the blatant attempts.
I tried to say goodbye.
Instead I held my breath.
Waited for you to turn and walk away.
A handful of hope, and mischief.
Trampled fine, dribbles a faint trail home.
Whatever that is...
Bleeding quietly from tightly clenched fists.
Grasping desperately at the fade.
Didn't mean to lose it.
Bit by bit.
The moment where there was nothing came silently.
My hands. My mind. My heart was empty.
I feel like I could find my way back...
But there's a lingering impression that I shouldn't...
What changed about me?
What broke, fell off, burned?
Or was I always this defunct?
Hey... if I told you the truth.
Right now.
About everything...
Would you hate me too?
I wanted orange.
Backlit smoke and porch-talk.
A damn site stranger than table.
This is the song I fell in love to.
Swaying a bit, keeping that involuntary rhythm my awkward father taught.
Dances across your fingers, wiggles in your knees.
"I love you... have I ever told you that"
My eyes were distant.
It hurt not to say it back.
"Nah kid. Not once."
She held me. Not quite reaching my neck.
Not quite melting.
I gave a non-commital
beer-holding return.
I had to be honest...
I was thinking about other
slight, fragile vegetarians.
"Well I'm gonna tell you twice."
It dangled waiting to dissapate like the rich
chocolatey smoke, and flowery smell of young woman.
A faint trace of iron and sweat.
"Thank you".
A trace, a guide, a linger.
Seated. Crickets. Napping.
My brother left this place years ago
to the wild urban deserts to the west.
Thing he missed the most
The sound.
The creek, chirp, and chaos of life.
Beautiful, fickle, and some nights still.
I watched her for unbroken eons.
Quiet. Unflinching. Pacified.
Maybe for the first time in her life.
"C'mon kid, let's go to bed".
That sounded a bit more x-rated than I had intended
but it had the desired effect.
I don't particularly want to say how
I don't particularly want to say with who...
but I think I made two deliberate plays to NOT have sex...
or at least I put myself in a position where it was a much less distinct possibility.
I'll let you digest that information for a moment.
Emotionally vulnerable, or judgement-compromised women are not my bag.
I mean they ARE... but
you'd have to be a bit of a sleaze to take that opportunity.
I did however use the phrase "let's go to bed"
and froze with terror after having uttered that...
"Well not us- er, I meant you, because we can't have you sleeping on the porch"
yeah...
turns out even in my comfort zone I'm awkward. XD
It's hard not -trying- to act cool around an old crush.
Even if we both know it wouldn't work.
And when I -try- to act cool, I stammer, and I jumble, and I sit unnaturally, and I do a lot of unnatural things.
In other news...
I made a spanish marinated steak.
with fried brown rice
blanched spinach
and artichokes
It was delicious.
Of course I fried the rice in the beef juice!
And I told a practical stranger my woes.
The big woes.
The whoa woes.
He had about the same reaction most people do.
... maybe I am that nice, earnest guy everyone keeps telling me I am.
Or I'm just getting really good at faking it.
I'd tell you to decide, but you probably already have.
But in three more months no one will be asking me to come over, or try to talk me into group sex, hard drugs, and bad music.
Unless I find another mingle.
Which could happen.
Talked about chemistry.
And the beautiful girls that hurt us.
... and that you may just have to sacrifice one, two, or a dozen magnetic flames to make it stop hurting.
Tastes can change. And in some cases they have to.
In my semi-sober state I want to make it a point to declare that:
It smells like woman over there. Young woman.
And my rutting, prowling nature does get a bit on edge with that...
I'd also like to say:
I feel like I don't know what comes next.
I guess I keep working.
Keep hanging out.
Keep painting.
Keep writing.
Keep waiting by my mailbox...
The invite to be a live-in cook/field-hand/village-father/mason stands.
... and apparently some guy has a bajillion dollars (local business owner) and ... WANTS to build the commune.
That kinda makes it a lot easier.
But it does have those untrustworthy elements of myth, fantasy and pipe-dream.
1. Where were you 3 hours ago?
Probably in front of my computer watching a show on the wholose.
2. Who are you in love with?
Hmm... odd question at this point in my life.
I'm gonna go with "ass-meat girl".
3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?
Nope.
4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Yes. A box for a windup robot.
5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
... ... probably over 5 years?
6. Are you wearing socks right now?
I am, and I'm thinking about removing them since the Royals just lost 3 in a row.
7. Do you have a car worth over $2,000?
No. My goodness. No.
8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
Probably some time this week... it is pretty easy to get there.
9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
Nope.
10. Are you hot?
I'm a little warm, hence the lack of clothing.
11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Water.
12. What are you wearing right now?
aaaaaw yeeeeeah~
Novelty boxers. Jinxed socks.
13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
I let the rain do it.
14. Last food that you ate?
Palmful of pistachios
15. Where were you last week at this time?
uuuh... friends' house getting drunk? Or possibly playing video games at home.
16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
Nope, but I could use a black pair of 550's and a powder blue shirt.
17. When is the last time you ran?
Today.
18. What's the last sporting event you watched?
Royals Vs. Orioles.
19. What is your favorite animal?
My doggy.
20. Your dream vacation?
Southern Fance.
21. Last person's house you were in?
Other than mine? "The River" as they like to call it.
22. Worst injury you've ever had?
Heh.
23. Have you been in love?
Debateable. I'd like to think so. More than once.
24. Do you miss anyone right now?
Yeah. My goto on this question is my brother. But the list is temporarily extended.
25. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
If I had one, I'd probably get more play.
I dunno... I try to be my earnest, empathetic, sincere, witty, informed self...
Turns out women like mouthbreathing fashionable assholes.
I got nothing today.
Happens.
Tried prose.
Tried poetry.
Tried character writing.
Just isn't my day.
I could blame it on the yankees.
I could blame it on the strange
terminally ill people I've met in the last 24 hours.
I could pretend it's about a girl.
Fake it's about a woman.
And there is a difference.
Beats the hell out of me... and nothing is particularly on my mind.
Exotic things.
Tan women.
Spicy food.
Orange sunsets reflected.
The burden of being naively earnest, and intentionally empathetic...
Love could fix this.
Love and cigarettes.
And I'm looking for new blog names...
Not exactly ending on a high note, but keep your fingers crossed, and I'll keep watching my mailbox for news.
In the world of food, I'm stuck looking forward to liverwerst first thing in the morning.
But there's a part of me that kinda misses eating once a day
in a house with no climate control, and filthy faucets that drip
and possitively no better place to be...
I really don't know that coming here has done me any good...
... yeah I do, I'd just hate to admit it, in my embarassingly outdated room, with my well-fed snoring dog, and my swank new computer...
and of course
work.
I hate having a bed time... oh to peck and meander until dawn again.
We'll conclude on "Devil Will Ride".
While I continue to burn love letters.
What did I really want to say?
I miss who I was... the anger was strength... now I have temperance and endurance...
And it just doesn't balance right. My eyes and voice are so hardened... but my manner is gentle.
it's weird being measured and soft spoken with dead eyes.
I can kinda see it when people make that first contact, and they kinda step back. Is it the booming bass, or the resignation in my eyes?
Like they're worried I'll burn them, or they're wondering where I came from...
I'm just tired.
In a lot of ways. Try not to be alarmed.
