Furgie Tatted Goddess's blog: "Behind Blue Eyes"

Yesterday I made a bargain with a friend that if I did not go to the gym this morning, I would write a blog... so here it is, Pete. (I hate you :P )

So I've been sitting here staring at this blank blog for what seems like hours. I have so much running through my mind that it feels impossible to separate one thought from another in order to get it out of my head and onto the page. It is extremely frustrating because this isn't like me at all. I've always been a good writer, I've always been very good at conveying exactly what I am thinking and feeling. I haven't even been able to write any new poetry lately, and that was always such a good way for me to express myself and to vent. It feels like I have come to a screeching halt at a point in my life where I'm at the bottom and all I want is to start moving in a positive direction. I tell myself that it's because I'm so physically and emtionally exhausted, but deep down I wonder if I am just lazy... too lazy to do what it takes to make things better for myself and for my children. Most days I paste a smile on my face, I pretend like I'm happy and strong and handling things well, but then sometimes it all comes crashing down. I will feel worthless and hopeless. I will become despondent and withdraw into myself. Everyone will try to cheer me up and make me feel better, but nothing really helps. It usually just has to run its course. But I want more than anything to break out of this cycle. I don't want to be at the bottom anymore, I don't want to just exist anymore. I want to work my way back up to the top. I want to be truly happy again. It's how to get there that is the huge question hanging over my head. It seems so complicated and difficult and to be truly honest it scares the crap out of me. I know I need to stop letting my anxiety hold me back from taking the first step. I feel like a need something to push me over that edge, to get me moving, but I don't really know what it is going to take. I think in a way I'm comfortable here, knowing that I can't fall much further... but if I start moving in a positive direction and becoming happy again there is always the chance that I could lose it all again. I think that's what really scares me... going through that again... losing so much and going through so much pain. Somehow I need to stop letting the fear of that hold me back...