sewsavannah's blog: "ar m'intinn"

much is the sadness of my situation that i might wipe salty tears away and wait, no pray, for a moment of release with my beloved time is the enemy the hands of this damned clock they move with silent, deliberate motion and yet the time does not pass and empty are my arms as empty as the bed which waits behind me and my skin, it remembers the hands that once led me to forget at the very least, i breathe a prayer that he should remember me kindly and that in his own quiet moments he might wipe away a tear or two

an ode to my muse Serendipity, that bitch. oh muse you cruel thing task mistress who toys with my mind and emotions and keeps me from sleep make yourself useful! lend me your lighter i've memories to burn and bid me to take care and pull back my hand from this conflagration to avoid being blistered by the heat that once was stand with me while i warm my soul once frozen and afraid near these flames and discover that i am alive and burning with desire to live at long last oh muse you blessed thing task mistress inspiring me to greatness we live!

i am that instant in time when you see yourself clearly as if for the first time reflected prefected accepted i am that flash of a memory that won't leave your head there but no there remembered engendered surrendered i am that haunted dream that you can't quite recall dancing on the edge of reason incisive decisive expressive i am all of this these two dollar words that inspire, require, inquire you.

i look out the window and feel the gathering storm and all i want to do is go dance in the rain spinning circling head up, arms out accepting the rain and washing my soul i look into my mirror and i feel the gathering storm and all i want to do is go dance in the rain spinning circling held safe in arms that accept me as i am sharing my soul my life is a whirlwind ups and downs ins and outs spinning circling hands out reaching for someone to hold on to.

Tomorrow and tomorrow breathe life to heady sorrow I can not replace what was lost long ago I'm not enough to ease all of your pain I'm not enough to make you smile again All that i am is all that i am So are you ready? Baby, are you really ready? Are you ready to love? Tomorrow and tomorrow there is no need for all that sorrow No sense in suffering all of that pain all alone Only you are enough to make the changes You're the one who owns the path you take All that i am is all that i am So are you ready? Baby, are you really ready? Are you ready to change? Tomorrow and tomorrow bring on that great tomorrow The day you let go of the past you carry Then maybe we will see those brighter days Maybe that's when i'll see you really smile Baby, all that you are is all that you are So are you ready? Baby, are you really ready? Are you ready to trust? Tomorrow and tomorrow you'll make it past the heady sorrows Together there doesn't have to be pain any more We can make tomorrow a better day We can design it and live it our own way all that we are is all that we are So are you ready? Baby, are you really ready? Are you ready to love?

i am no stranger to violence. i am no stranger to pain. i am no stranger to fear. i am no stranger to lonliness or depression either for that matter. i've faced all of them and kicked their asses at one point or another in my life. for me life has always been more than a slightly rocky ride. it's just the way it is and i've come to embrace my world with every bit of my dark little soul. for the past few days i've been dealing with a lot of harsh things happening in my world all at once & it almost did me in... weird for me. i'm an over-comer not a chickenshyt whiner. i was recently the victim of random violence. it's left me a little gun-shy to say the least. i have not even discussed it with the three people here in savannah closest to me... and i don't plan to for a while. i tried to. really, i did. but one is my child, and i can't do that to her. she was away and i prefer for her to not think i am vulnerable while she's gone... the other is my best friend, but he's dealing with so damned much of his own right now... and i love him too much to burden him with this... and the other, although i have the utmost respect and love for him would say the wrong things and i'd end up more upset. so i see my counselor. and i carry a weapon on me... which i have always done *in* my purse, but now it's in my pocket and i'll never hesitate to use it again. i can't bear to be touched right now. but ironically enough what i want is to be held. go effin' figgure.

i keep this list on my desk of things that people say to me or qupte to me. here's some of the good stuff: "When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced. Live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice." ~Cherokee Proverb "Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." ~Helen Keller "And forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair." ~Khalil Gibran "And think not you can guide the course of love. For love, if it finds you worthy, shall guide your course." ~Kahlil Gibran "And ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation." ~Kahlil Gibran "A friend who is far away is sometimes much nearer than one who is at hand. Is not the mountain far more awe-inspiring and more clearly visible to one passing through the valleynthan to those who inhabit the mountain? ~Khalil Gibran "Meditate. Live purely. Be quiet. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds! Shine." ~Buddha (see, Mr Enigma... i told you that you were a Buddist at heart - you say this to me in so many words so often) "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson "To laugh often and love much... to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to give one's self... this is to have succeeded." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson "Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love." ~ Lao Tzu "There is no instinct like that of the heart." ~ Lord Byron "You must be the change you wish to see in the world." ~Mahatma Gandhi "An eye for eye only ends up making the whole world blind." ~Mahatma Gandhi "People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid." ~Soren Aabye Kierkegaard "If you judge people, you have no time to love them." ~Mother Teresa "It is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the doing. It is not how much we give, but how much love we put in the giving." ~Mother Teresa "Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own home. Give love to your children, to a wife or husband, to a next-door neighbor." ~ Mother Teresa "Love is a fruit in season at all times, and in reach of every hand." ~Mother Teresa "There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread." ~ Mother Teresa "I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." ~Mother Teresa (i am one of her greatest fans, btw) "Love is something eternal, the aspect may change, but not the essence." ~Vincent Van Gogh "Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius." ~Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart "Never shall I forget the days I spent with you. Continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours." ~Ludwig van Beethoven "Here is a test to find out whether your mission in life is complete. If you're alive, it isn't." ~Richard Bach "People travel to wonder at the height of the mountains, at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by themselves without wondering." ~St. Augustine "Love is the beauty of the soul." ~St. Augustine "The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." ~Jack London "To think is easy. To act is hard. But the hardest thing in the world is to act in accordance with your thinking." ~Goethe "When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on." ~Thomas Jefferson "What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies." ~Aristotle "It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages." ~Friedrich Nietzsche "The unexamined life is not worth living." ~Socrates "Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile." ~Albert Einstein (he's the man.) "Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves." ~Albert Einstein "You can't blame gravity for falling in love." ~Albert Einstein "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~Albert Einstein "Intellectual growth should commence at birth, and cease only at death." ~Albert Einstein "Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today." ~James Dean "Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of." ~Benjamin Franklin "To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow, Creeps in this petty pace from day to day, To the last syllable of recorded time; And all our yesterdays have lighted fools The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player, That struts and frets his hour upon the stage, And then is heard no more: it is a tale Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing. ~William Shakespeare (from Macbeth) "My bounty is as boundless as the sea, My love as deep; The more I give to thee The more I have, For both are infinite." ~William Shakespeare "There is no remedy for love but to love more." ~Henry David Thoreau "At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet." ~Plato "Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination." ~Voltaire "One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is love." ~Sophocles "All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love." ~Leo Tolstoy "Hold a true friend with both your hands." ~Nigerian Proverb "It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson "Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be." ~Shel Silverstein (my children were raised on this theory) "If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you." ~A.A. Milne (ahh, Pooh) "Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." ~Katherine Hepburn "Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." ~Anais Nin "To live without loving is to not really live." ~Moliere "The best portion of a good man’s life: his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love." ~William Wordsworth

ar m'intinn means on my mind in Irish. i can read the language but have a horrid time pronouncing it unless i'm with other speakers of the language for a couple of days and then it slowly comes back to me... the language is especially tough because even though a small place there are many differences in dialect and pronounciation i do some writing in the tongue of my grandmother... and some poetry. but my intent for this section of my blog is for some of my more emotional endeavors