ape's blog: "ape's blog of joyful insanity"

y'know, people keep telling me about how petting zoos are so great...how kids love 'em. well, you know what? i think that those people are spreading their strawberry deception jam all over my toast-like mind...and they're doing it with a butter knife of lies.




now tell me, folks...does that kid really look like it's having a good time? i think not. the anger in its eyes...the grimace on its face...the child trying to pick its nose....it's so obvious that the kid is not enjoying his time caged up in the petting zoo. i don't blame 'em, either....and if i were that kid, i'd back kick that booger-lovin' child away from me...i bet she reeks, anyway.

it's so obvious that the kids hate it at the petting zoo...and you know why? it's because of dirtbags like the child pictured below...




look at the anger on that child's face....you know why he's angry, don't you? well, i'll tell you why...it's 'cause he's been caught. notice how his left hand isn't visible and it's hidden beneath his sleeve? that's 'cause he's got an unpleasantly sharp object that he'd like to puncture the kid's flesh with hidden there. don't believe me? look at the child's shorts. they're down past the knees...only gangstas wear shorts so low that they can be mistaken as baggy highwaters....and gangstas hurt people. i know because i hear their serenades about how and why they kill people all the time on the radio. radio, like television and this blog, never lies. thus, that seemingly innocent curly-haired child must be a kid-murdering psychopath.

if you still need proof, the child is wearing velcro shoes...velcro moved around is crovel...and what is a 'C' but a 'G' with a limb chopped off? you know who chopped the 'G's' limb off? hmm? do you? it's that child up there!! so, prior to the chopped-off limb, crovel was grovel, which is exactly what that heartless child makes people do...making people grovel? sounds like the act of an evil, serial killing jerk to me.

still don't believe me that the kids are unhappy? alright, then i've got some more pictures for you...




y'know, the violence isn't just limited to gangstas...the irish mafia is in on the kid violence, too. the kid in this picture simply said "top o' the mornin' to ya" to the child, who, as you can see by this picture, replied with an ice-cold look. you see that brush the child is holding? hmm? that brush is laced with malaria. now, we all know the irish are immune to malaria because of top-notch reasearch that i made up just now...however, kids are not immune....to kids, getting malaria is like eating my aunt's fruitcake; deadly.

you see now, folks? see what the kids have to deal with? constant murder attempts from various children....vicious, vicious children. just in case you don't see what i see, take a look at this child reaching up to choke a kid.




there...plain as day...those tiny, steel-like hands reaching up and ready to clamp themselves around that kid's neck...what exactly is the kid supposed to do? hmm? think about it's favorite things? that doesn't even work when the dog bites, the bee stings, or when you're feeling sad like that tall tale tune wants you to believe...so how do you expect it to help that kid when he's being strangled to death by that strapping young man? no responce? yeah, that's what i thought.

you see folks, petting zoos are making the kids of the world miserable...children trying to kill them and adults feeding 'em food called 'goat pellets'....i mean, who wants to eat pellets? isn't that another word for poop? and speaking of poop, friends...there's a common phrase involving poop that i think fits here. i'll shorten it to initials to prevent potential damage to someone's eyes from reading a naughty word. that phrase, folks, is bs.

if we're going to imprison animals to petting zoos simply to allow them to be murdered, fed poop, and just plain tortured....at least let it be an animal that can fight back...




there we go....now that's a better petting zoo. the child there is so happy for hitting that crocodile in the skull with his razor-sharp plastic shovel...but little does that child know that it's mr. crocodile's turn now. that, my friends, is called a fair fight...and fair fights is how things ought to be. you dig?

i think i've made my point, but before i end this, i've got one last picture to show you all...




you see that, people? that kid is miserable; its pouting lips tell the whole story. it's crying at you for help...you think it wants to wear that neon pink collar? it doesn't. neon pink is a pansy color. that poor, poor kid. every day is a fight for survival....every day is a struggle to stay alive.....

so, kids love petting zoos, eh? maybe next time you hear someone ignorantly say that, you'll be like me and beg to differ.

i stumbled upon a travesty today....while searching for what may be the greatest food of the 90's, koala yummies, i realized that the adorable marsupial cookies filled with gooey chocolate and/or strawberry delights have been, well, killed off. much like the dodo in its time, the koala yummies were hunted and killed off 'cause they tasted so dang good. however, i can live with their extinction...at least they left while on the top of their game...or so i thought.



enter: koala's march. the supposed 'new' koala yummies. apparently, they taste exactly the same...i think the person who made that claim looks like santa claus....'cause his face has a beard made up of little white lies. and by the look of things, that santa-lookin' person's name is lotte.

according to this 'lotte' character, koala's march uses an exclusive baking system that creates a hollow, crispy shell....to claim that this koala's march is anywhere near as good as koala yummies, you'd have to be hollow inside...and like a pinata, i bet he has a cripsy shell. when that shell gets broken open with baseball bats of truth, candies of deception will pour from his pastel-colored skull.

anyway, they also claim that each koala is then individually filled with the highest quality chocolate or strawberry cream. if by highest quality, they mean made in a factory of balding hobos, who happen to not be wearing hairnets, then by all means, i'll accept that statement as truth. however, if by highest quality, they mean that it's equivelant to the cream found in koala yummies, then i may have to grow angry and tell lotte that he's a big scumbag.

now, some people might actually do research and tell me that lotte created koala yummies, too....so koala's march should be exactly the same. to those people, i say this: nope.

if they truly were one and the same, why would they change the name? hmmm? i'll tell you why; they're different. they're different and you all know it!! if anyone tells me differently, i will cry in a high-pitched voice until you reconsider. there is no justice in this world if we let koala's march get away with impersonating koala yummies...if we let this go, next thing we know, there'll be people impersonating elvis and that just isn't right.



oh dear golly....you see?! they've already begun impersonating elvis!! what next? nerdy people dressing up as some cartoon characters from japan?


alright....i was joking around about the cartoon characters from japan bit....now, i'm just plain frightened. do you see now, people? do you see what koala's march has inspired? people mimicking dead rock and roll guys with weight problems and dressing up as cartoons from a foreign land...koala yummies never made people do this, did they? of course not. it's all koala's march.

the saddest thing of all about koala's march....is the fact that it's actually making people believe that it is, in fact, koala yummies...in fact, there's a group here on myspace who have been fooled. you can find them by clicking the link below this period here.

http://groups.myspace.com/koalayummies

feel free to join the group and inform them of the lies they've been told by lotte...go there and voice your disgust of them touting koala's march as an equal to koala yummies...'cause i, for one, will not stand for it. i can't stand for koala's march soiling the good name of koala yummies anymore....and for the sake of our children....i won't.

anorexia....it's a disease that really isn't a laughing matter. it warps the mind of its victims and makes them want to look like scarecrows...well, scarecrows that vomit up all the straw put into 'em...but scarecrows nonetheless. anorexia isn't exactly an unknown thing, either. i mean, one of those olsen trolls has it...and she was on that hit tv show full house. full f'n house, people....if someone from full house gets something, you better believe it's well known...just ask uncle jesse. no...not that uncle jesse....this one... yeah...the uncle jesse seen there with a speedo-wearin' david hasselhoff...if you're hangin' with the 'hoff, you're obviously part of the 'in' crowd. but anyway, i gave you that little talk about anorexia so that i could better explain the anger i have about the following product... anorex...a weight-loss supplement....but not just any weight-loss supplement...one that is "not to be used as a casual diet-aid." i suppose that warning on the bottom is suppose to stop the casual anorexics from using the product that shares the same name as a disease that infects the mind and murders people...and that's all fine and good, but the folks who want to casually become deadly thin aren't really the ones who need the warning, are they? no....i'm thinkin' it's more these people... yup...the lasses that look like someone wrapped some wax paper around some tinker toys and placed a giant noggin' atop it....those are the folks i'm thinkin' about. the kind of folks whose strand of hair is close to being the same size as one of their arms. these folks are what the makers of anorex decided to name their product after...the model-wannabes who spend their spare time in middle-school science classrooms helping children learn what a patella is. to show you the contrast of an anorexic and a normal person, here's some photos.... here's the most normal person i could find...someone who looks like everyone else...a stereotype for the general population of the world, so to speak... and, with the help of state-of-the-art computer technology, here's that same person after becoming anorexic...along with his anorexic family members, comforting him about it... scary, isn't it? see the difference? do you? that's what this product does to people....it transforms them from being average, normal-lookin' people to some sort of two-dimensional person created from crayons....FROM CRAYONS!! colored wax is going to be your future, folks....you're going to have to change your last name to crayola if you use anorex....and what if your name is carrie? carrie crayola?....that is a name that'll get you wedgies at school and/or work. wedgies: another side effect of this terrible disease. i share your feelings, meager ma'am. it makes me want to vomit, too. this whole thing makes me ill. you know what else i hate about anorex? the fact that the drug has a side-effect that makes you believe you're a boxer. true story. here's my proof: poor boxer...that gal is gonna cut him wide open with her razor-sharp forearm. that my friends, is called cheating. speaking of cheating, the anorex company has also been thowing various posters around...like this one here... they're going too far, people....that anorex drug is going too far!! bewteen the weight-loss and the boxing, i've had enough. but what can we do to stop them? simple. we eat...we eat a lot...and then we'll beat anorexia.....which will, in turn, beat anorex. people say the united states is the most obese country in the world. i say we're not obese enough. get my drift? i want to go to a beach and see nothing but these bodatious babes lining the sands. yes....i want our population to all look like the michelin man....rolls upon rolls of obese goodness. i want them to be like the pillsbury doughboy so when i poke them in the stomach, they let out an adorable giggle. adorable giggles, friends. what's what we need. and trust me, we can do this. we can get fat. we can beat anorexia...why, take a look at this fellow who grabbed anorexia by the throat and choked it until he could choke it no more... he beat anorexia...and look!! he can wear the shirt he wore in high school again! so, listen up folks....i'm only tellin' ya once. go to burger king...put some pounds on yourself....make yourself so fat that psychologists use your stretch marks as rorschach tests for their patients. once we achieve our goal of getting fat, we can rid ourselves of that disgusting company and their tasteless product...how? by pushing our weight around, of course.

jazz hands....if there's one thing that i strongly dislike, it's jazz hands. it's...it's just so wrong. if you're gonna wave those hands up while making stupid faces, you best be getting robbed and threatened for your life...otherwise, i might pay someone to slug you.

how exactly did jazz hands become a staple of theatre, anyway? i see photos of folks working in theatres, and they usually look like this...



how incredibly stupid does that look? let me answer that for ya....it's dumber than the rainman sans the savant parts. what exactly imspires these so-called jazz hands anyway? i've never seen a jazz singer raise their open hands and wave 'em around like a ninny....jazz singers generally look cool....and jazz hands generally make you look mentally challenged....like this lady here...



seemingly, this so-called artform of jazz hands is as addictive as any drug on the planet....but twice as deadly. jazz hands gives you ovarian cancer. i'm completely serious. ovarian cancer's leading cause is constant use of jazz hands. there's nothing more sad than seeing the look on the face of a fifteen-year-old boy after you inform him that his jazz hands gave him ovarian cancer and that he'd be dead by the end of the week from it. you doubt the cancer-giving powers of jazz hands? take a look at this jerk.



his hair is greasy from constant sweat...his eyes are widened in fear...his face is oily from rubbing a sub sandwich across it to ease his soul (a therapeutic process practiced in norway)...this guy obviously just found out he had ovarian cancer. you can tell me that men don't have ovaries, so they can't get ovarian cancer....well then, smarty pants, if they don't have ovaries, then how are they getting ovarian cancer? this is not a topic open for discussion....it's serious business. that poor guy in his orange cat shirt and sub sandwich face...he's my proof that jazz hands WILL give you ovarian cancer. it's a fact; an icy, cold fact cube dropped into a big glass of truth juice.

the sad thing is that we're not teaching our children the dangers of jazz hands...i mean, take a look at this picture...



a group of people sharing jazz hands with each other....now, correct me if i'm wrong, but those jazz hands don't look sanitized to me. those folks are rolling a pair of danger dice when they use unsanitized jazz hands...but life full of jazz hands ain't vegas. their jackpot is gonna be a bucket full of ovarian cancer coins and coupons to a free salad bar of death. i feel sorry for those people...they'll probably all wake up tomorrow with so many jtd's that they'll wanna commit suicide.

jtd's, of course, are jazzhandally transmitted diseases...and when you don't wear rubber gloves, you have a great chance of getting them. jtd's include, but aren't limited to umm.....well, it doesn't matter what they are....the fact is that they're there, they're deadly, and they're...uh.....well, it doesn't matter. what matters is that jazz hands are a deadly addiction that will kill us all one by one if we don't do something about it. but what can we do? how about put up signs?



if we have anti-jazz hands signs up, and make jazz hands illegal in these areas, perhaps we can save people....after all, second-hand jazz hands is more dangerous than actually performing jazz hands yourself...these signs can help prevent second-hand jazz hands from killing off our population. restaraunts can have jazz hands sections and non-jazz hands sections....then perhaps all public indoor areas can be jazz-hands free.....and then....maybe in time.....we can rid the world of jazz hands and the unpleasant stuff that comes with it. and maybe jazz hands will be like a raisin...



...and like a raisin, those jazz hands will dry up in the sun and shrivel up in a purple, little, wrinkly pellet...we can only hope that is the fate of jazz hands....and for the sake of our grandchildren.....we need to hope.

a lot of folks dread the day approaching us...valentine's day...the day where you spend money on teddy bears and flowers and bubble gum for your significant other....or face the consequences later on. normally, i hate that day, too....but not this year, friends. nope. not this year. this year, i'm looking forward to valentine's day 'cause i snagged me the best valentine of 'em all....myself.

that's right. i asked myself to be my valentine earlier today, and after blushing and giggling like a school girl, i happily accepted. i feel so alive this year...so full of aliveness. i can feel it...this valentine's day is gonna be so great....it's gonna be romantically romantic. i have a candlelight dinner all planned out with my, and my valentine's, favorite food...brownies. brownies by candlelight, pretty hot stuff, eh?

now, i bet a lot of folks will say, "hey jerk! you can't be valentine's with yourself!" to which i reply, you're not the boss of my valentine. he'll choose who he wants to be valentines with...and i want to be valentines with myself, so back off or i'll have to fight you over me. to all the doubters out there, take a look at this card i sent myself as proof of how great of a couple i am.

CLICK HERE TO SEE HOW SWEET I AM TO MYSELF

yeah, i know...i am so sweet. i told myself how sweet i was when i suprised myself with that card earlier today. i...i just feel so lucky to have myself. i almost feels overwhelming. i feel so lucky and full of joy. i feel sorry for all those people out there without a valentine for valentine's day...especially when i snagged me such a great one. really, i don't deserve myself. i almost feel like i'm too good for me. that's how great of a valentine i am towards myself. i...i think i love myself...and i can easily see me spending the rest of my life with myself....i think i may be the one. oh, golly...i think i may be the one....

after thinking about that, this valentine's day is just getting better and better....on top of all of that, to celebrate my love for myself, i sang a duet with myself during a recent car ride...just to show how romantic i am with myself, take a look at the duet and the emotional ending.

valentine's day duet



...indeed....hillbilly jim gave my heart those musical words to tell myself how i felt. i love myself...i should go make myself those brownies so i can eat them by candlelight on the big day....but before i go, take a look at this other gift i gave myself...



isn't that sweet? it's what i always wanted...a small, tubby child with its skull ripped off and replaced with a furry heart. that is the most lovey-dovey, romantic thing that anyone has ever done for me. i have to go now...it's hard to type with all these tears of happiness in my eyes.

donkey kong...the epic struggle of a plumber climbing ladders, riding elevators, jumping over barrels, hitting firey-things with big hammers, and giving a giant ape a concussion in an attempt to save a ratty-lookin' damsel in distress. really, is all that effort worth it? look at the picture above...that dirtbag damsel screams for help....i see nothing keeping her there. there's no cage...no ropes...nothing...just a stupid girl on a stupid platform. she could easily climb down the ladder and save herself, but she's a dummy. feminist groups should be all over that useless gal and her constant relying on an overweight plumber to save her. to be fair, though, that ape isn't exactly a saint. i suppose she has a reason to be afraid of him...afterall, there's a t-shirt going around with him on it that kinda gives him a bad name. take a look... ...that fact that he's not a monkey, but an ape, doesn't effect how truthful this t-shirt is. he may lack a real tail, but he has a metaphorical tail...the tail of the devil. that's right. donkey kong is that evil...even if he does eventually have a son who likes to wear tank-tops...and later a tie. but wait a second...donkey kong has a son? who's the mother? oh, i bet it's that stupid girl on the platform!! she's begging the plumber to save her, yet she's having romantic relations with donkey kong?....no wonder she's not chained up...the ape loves her...and she doesn't run away because she loves him. OF COURSE!!!! it all makes sense to me now! she's not screaming help so that the plumber will come and save her...she's screaming help because donkey kong's only fighting tactic is throwing barrels...she knows the plumber is gonna make his way up there and take her away while giving ol' dk a massive concussion...so, in reality, donkey kong isn't the one with the metaphorical tail after all....it's that stupid plumber guy!! it makes perfect sense...people were mislead by the fact that she was screaming for help while she was near donkey kong...they were mislead by their own dislike towards inter-species relationships. what a shame. i thought that we, as a society, had gotten past this form of racism. if a stupid girl wants to have relations with an ape...i think that's her choice, dang it. i mean, look at this adorable couple. there's the ape, with that smile on his face...happy as can be. then there's the stupid girl...who has a worried look on her face because she just discovered that the ape has a 'kick me' sign on his back...she's concerned that someone might, in fact, kick the ape...and it's probably an overweight, italian plumber wearing a stupid hat. if you want further proof that the plumber is evil in this game, take a look at this picture... doesn't he look evil? that's the best snidley whiplash impersonator that i've ever seen. see?....the two are one and the same...which would make donkey kong dudley do-right...i think that fits. however, despite how nice of a guy that ape is, there's always an evil guy with a mustache waiting to make him miserable...which makes the stupid girl concerned for the ape. the concern is created by the love she has for that stinky ape...and as i stated, that love created an equally loveable ape, which was named donkey kong jr....who happened to be such a brilliant ape, that he taught math classes to millions of people. true story. take a look. see? it's even a european version. european people are stereotypically smart...and stereotypically have bad teeth and long armpit hair, too...which, ironically, donkey kong jr. has all of that. dk jr. is also a rave little squirt as he eventually saves his own father after that stupid, mustache-wearing, tub of lard plumber puts him in a cage after, i think, murdering his father's lover with the mindset of 'if i can't have her, no one can.' stupid plumber. there's more to tell of this amazing ape...of how his wife was murdered....how his son was a nerdy scholar...how, after the plumber was sent to jail, a bug exterminator tried to kill him....but really, why bother. the fact is, donkey kong was a game based off of the struggles of a couple that didn't fit into what society wanted. they loved each other, but nobody realized it....it's a dark, dark story that's shakesperian in nature....romantic, poetic, and tragic. it's a shame that the happiest moment in the game is the beginning...when you see the two lovers elope to the top of the barrel-filled tower... ...now that's romance.

lawn gnomes....gardeners love 'em...the elderly adore 'em...and small children around the world are absolutely terrified by them. why, aside from scaring those little tots, would anyone enjoy plastic, petrified midgets wearing dunce caps in their yard? i want to know. if you want to know, join me as i venture deep into a metaphorical wildreness where a temple of truth awaits for us to explore and probably die in....temples have a lot of booby traps.

alrighty...to first understand why lawn gnomes seem to be so cherished and beloved, you must first understand why children are deathly afraid of the hairy, dumb midgets. to understand why children are afraid, you must have the mind of a child....and alas, i have such a mind. you see, according to myself, children are frightened of lawn gnomes because they never stop smiling. nobody smiles all the time except for clowns, and children HATE clowns. if there's like a top five fear list, clowns is number one....it goes lawn gnomes, lima beans, ghosts, anything involving barbara streisand, and clowns at the top of the list. the thing that makes clowns number one over streisand is the fact that they can fit like forty clowns in a miniature vehicle...which is rather creepy that there's that many similar-dressed people in one vehicle going to the same place at once...in other words, clowns are like street gangs...they'll pop a bullet in your nasal cavities if you look at 'em funny. but anyway, yeah...children hate clowns due to their car pooling abilities...and since clowns smile all the time, that hate and fear is subliminally put on the lawn gnomes. but what about adults?....

car pooling clowns, of course, are idolized by adults. adults love clowns just as much as children despise them. after all, car pooling helps save the environment and it also saves money. adults like to save things, so they obviously like the effort of the clowns. if, for a second, you doubt how much adults love clowns, track down an episode of bozo the clown. in all episodes of bozo the clown, you can see the fear in the eyes of the children and the playful glow in the eyes of the adults. adults are just fascinated by clowns....the fascination is so great that if they need a tour guide in an unfamiliar city, they go to clowns first....true story. take a look.



did you see the disappointment in letterman's face when he found out his wish wouldn't come true? that shows us all the passion that adults have for clowns. but anyway, when adults see lawn gnomes, they immediately feel warmth and joyful joyness and spectacular wonder towards the environment.

on the subject of the environment, when one thinks of the environment, one must also think of that robotic attention hog, al gore. i doubt it needs to be said, but al gore is number six on the children fear list....they are terrified of mr. gore. and since saving the environment reminds everyone of mr. gore, when children see lawn gnomes, they're greeted with images of clowns, which lead into images of al gore...it makes them think that lawn gnomes are going to make 'em float in a sewer while boring them to death with an environmental documentary.

alright, i think we've pretty much cleared up why children hate lawn gnomes...it's a one-two punch with clowns and al gore....but now i want to know why adults adore those lawn gnomes so much. afterall, car pooling clowns and a non-entertaining robot can't dignify the amount of love that adults have for those stupid little creatures. so, there's gotta be more subliminal association with the smiles plastered on their dumb little faces.



ahhh, that's it!! the hat! it's so obviously a dunce cap...which makes lawn gnomes dumb. adults LOVE people dumber than themselves...it makes 'em feel more intelligent. it's like a mildy attractive person hanging around a half-human/half-muppet abomination like, let's say sam donaldson...who happens to have an oddly similar appearance to one sam the eagle.



but anyway, it's like those two hanging out with each other, the mildy attractive person adore the muppet because they happen to make the mildy attractive person seem more attractive, thus shedding the mildly part when around the muppet. it's an illusion ththat adults have caught on to and abused since the 60's...yeah, it's been a long time. but yeah, that must be why adults love the lawn gnomes...other adults see a stupid little midget in someone's yard and the person in that house immediately seems more intelligent than he or she really is. i bet that's how geraldo rivera got his job...geraldo loves his gnomes.

excellent. i've solved the case. i now know why children hate lawn gnomes so much and why adults love them...the only question i have left involving lawn gnomes is whether or not i can lie on them like a bed of nails if i gather enough of them together....or are their heads too fat and wide for it to be possible? personally, i think they're a bunch of fat-heads....but...i suppose that question's answer is much like what the tootsie pops commercials say; the world may never know.

liverwurst...a great, great product. it was obviously named on opposite day because it should be called liverbest. there is no better meat product on the market today...why? 'cause you can spread liverwurst. it's like i can't believe it's not butter...except it lacks the fabio spokesmanship. it's like the greatest sandwich meat ever...only fools eat it with a facial expression like this...



of course that fools doesn't like it, he's eating it all cooked and with a fork. liverwurst ain't no fork meat...it's a butter knife meat. spread it along a piece of bread, slap another piece of bread atop that smooth, elegant layer of greatness...and you've got a sandwich that will have you singing "hallelujah" as you drop to your knees and thank the guy in the sky for creating germans....for without germans, such a scrumptious delight would have never touched your lips. that guy, in fact, should have looks like this child here...



yeah, yeah. technically the child is eating corn. however, liverwurst is enjoyed by more children than corn on the cob...and ironically, they eat it the exact same way...except without the kernels getting stuck between their teeth. instead of kernels, with liverwurst, you get those little lard dots stuck between your teeth. much more satisfying if i do say so. it makes me want to don some lederhosen and do the funky chicken until i can funky chicken no more. but yeah, that corn-on-the-cob style of liverwust eating is a delight...but more folks eat it the way i described earlier, though...



in sandwich form. wow...look that that guy. he's really going to town on that sandwich. oh, and he's wearing a digital watch...yet he's not looking at it. you know why? he already knows what time it is - it's liverwurst goodness time. oh, yeah...liverwurst is obviously from the heavens for you to be able to tell the time when not even looking at your fancy schmancy digital watch...i'd sell my soul for that god-like ability. liverwurst is just radiating with heavenly goodness...why, just look at this can of liverwurst...



no....it can't be. there's gotta be some sort of mistake. why is the devil on that can?...it says "premium quality" on the label....surely the devil couldn't have created it...or perhaps....perhaps this whole world is just a garden of eden....no...that can't be.....but....what if it is?.....what if this guy is adam...



and this guy is eve?



....sweet muffins, it makes perfect sense....nobody eats apples anymore these days except for worms and teachers. there's no way the devil could tempt anyone with an apple....but liverwurst....the number of people the devil could tempt with liverwurst is infinite....and that fool....that old, digital watch-wearing fool...he's doomed us all with his lust for that succulent liverwurst that he plucked from the forbidden liverwurst tree.

...and while i should hate him....i can't. because like him, i'd be weak upon seeing that liverwurst...i'd devour it like a snake...i'd unhindge my jaws and everything...and i know all of you would do the exact same thing. liverwurst, is obviously the object of perfection created by the devil for all of mankind to lust and fight over. but our shoes were made for walkin', people...so i say we walk ourselves over to the devil, look him right in his beady little eyes and scream, "listen here, jerk! i don't want to fight with people, so make more liverwurst so i don't have to share!"....and he'll probably say nope....because he's the devil....he's a big poopypants.

so, really...as much as i don't want to admit it....maybe liverwurst is the reason for the world being in such a bad state....it's not greed for money or power....it's not using religion as an excuse to slaughter folks...it's lust for the one thing in life that we have that most closely resembles what old books refer to as "ambrosia"...or the elixer of the gods. indeed....liverwurst is our ambrosia....and everyone wants it...but the limited supply in the world has caused so much anger and hatred in the world....it makes me want to weep. in fact, i am weeping. i'm going to weep myself to sleep tonight as i try to figure out how such a wonderful, spirit-lifting product could bring such misery with it.



...it looks so beautiful...so peaceful...i....i can't type anymore. i've gotten myself all depressed over my beloved liverwurst. i'm gonna go cry myself to sleep now...bye.

you know...mosquitos would probably take a long time to baste a turkey, i'd think....i doubt they'd use a baster when they've basically already got one coming out of their faces anyway....but, man...their basters are tiny when compared to the turkey...it's gotta take 'em like eighteen and three-fourths of an hour to cook 'em....it's just gotta.

speaking of 'gotta', it's gotta be impossible for a scarecrow to get so angry that it will try to harm you...by the time it reaches it's last straw, it's not a scarecrow anymore....it's a single piece of straw....so, if you must make fun of someone, i reccomend doing so to a scarecrow.

i want to see a lobster in a train conductor outfit....then i can call it a train station crustacean. get it? it rhymes. :)

why are japanese people so afraid of godzilla....yeah, he's big....but he's not bad. that high-pitched little girl scream of his is adorable....it's like being frightened by that don vito fellow...his high-pitched gibberish makes infants smile....who can fear that?

a woman has never really lived unless she's had the privilage of combing her own beard.

i think chimneys vomit smoke....in which case, i demand chimney sweeps to wear pink since they're technically like pepto bismol.

i think cock fighting is every bit as homosexual as the name implies it to be....i don't believe i need to explain myself further.

if farting was a language....i'd call it the language of love....'cause only someone who loves you will stay to hear you out, from beginning to end, once you begin to talk from that area...even if your speech stinks.

sometimes i stay up at night and wonder...does dirt-covered hobo hair run like mascara-covered eyelashes?

i need to write a story of a gay government official coming out of the cabnit.

i trust tampax....and only tampax.

an astronaut with bad dandruff is kinda like a natural snowglobe.

slimer is a ghost booger....people say slimer is fake because ghosts don't exist....i beg to differ. slimer is fake because green boogers don't exist...unless you're snorting lime kool-aid or something.

i love to grocery shop, if only for the cereal isle. all of the bright colors and goofy mascots along with that catchy tune playing on the speakers above...it's like a parade in my honor.

if you go to a japanese hotel, don't pay for a vibrating bed...instead, invite several children to your room to watch japanese cartoons. have each child lay on the ground, clutching a piece of the bed....turn on the cartoons, and as the spasms take over, you've got yourself a free vibrating bed.

i think mr. clean needs to be in a rogaine ad.

sloths should really go to a beauty shop and get a manicure.

greatest cartoon of all time: widget the world watcher.

if oysters are so great, how come they're spineless?

the berenstein bears are full of it. plain and simple.

this blog is dumb....so i'll end it now....bye.

i felt like writing a blog...but i didn't know what i should write one about...so, i decided to go to google and type in some random letters....well...sort of....in actuality, i gave the keyboard a headbutt in tribute to the recently departed bam bam bigelow. the results of the headbutt were the letters 'hkjh'. so, i typed it in to google image search and became horrified at what grotesque images awaited me...



alright...so the images didn't start out so awful...in fact, they actually seemed friendly. that little archway glowed as if it was the gateway to heaven itself. it made me feel safe and cozy....full of warmth....of joy...it made me feel all warm like a freshly cooked meal...



...which ironically was one of the next pictures to appear...but wait....i think....yes, i think i see onion in that piece of culinary art....onion, of course, is the vegetable of satan...and, of course, there appears to be beans and such in there....beans cause gas....and from what my catholic friends tell me, farts are whispers from the devil....and speaking of satan...people are afraid of satan....like this soccer guy is...



look at his face...full of terror as he screams in agony...apparently, when satan whispered to him with his oniony bean breath, it was a frightening story of some sort. or maybe.....maybe he saw this abomination of nature...



...that's gotta be the creepiest doll i've seen since those new kids on the block dolls came out. those cold, lifeless eyes....those are the eyes of a murderer if i ever saw them. and that white clothing...it's too white...uncomfortably white...like she bleached her clothing for a week and then tossed that oxi-clean garbage on it just for good measure....nobody cleans their clothing that well....unless they're trying to hide something....like blood stains. and according to the oxy-clean commercials, blood ain't got nothing on oxy-clean....which is nice 'cause i bet that doll spills a lot of blood. is there anyone out there who isn't afraid of that evil, evil doll? yes...



drunk folks. the folks that are so inebriated that instead of seeing the face of pure evil, they see something like this...



the face of pure stupidity, who happens to be joined with an asian person on each side. now, while tigger seems incredibly retarded....and trust me, he is...piglet told me so....anyway, while he seems retarded, he's actually pretty evil. need proof? how about the fact that he's always scaring rabbit and messing up his stuff? yeah that's right...he messes up rabbit's stuff...his STUFF!!! what a jerkfaced poopskull.

anyway, there's an odd similarity there...'cause if given the chance, satan will mess up our stuff, too. so maybe, just maybe, that retarded bouncing tiger is, in fact, the lord of darkness and evilness himself....that's right....maybe tigger is satan....and maybe that doll is one of his minions...and maybe he's creating more dolls as we speak...



...I KNEW IT!!!...sweet tonsilitis with a spoon, that demonic, fictional tiger devil is making murderous dolls like a food-lovin' health nut devours frogurt -- very quickly...luckily for us all, though, i'm good at problem solving...there's one easy way to stop this evil...one easy, easy way to shield ourselves from the destruction that tigger wants to rain down on us...



...plaid umbrellas...they'll stop the rain. from what the cover of a book tells me, the devil wears prada...which tells me that the devil hates plaid. i'm such a genius...if we want to repel the evil that satan himself, tigger, wishes to drench us with, we need to get ourselves some plaid umbrellas. if you doubt that they'll work, just take a look at that man's face...that's the face of confidence...there's no fear....he knows that tigger and his murderous dolls won't come near him so long as he carries around such an unfashionable accessory around with him...

this blog has made me feel brilliant...i was frightened in the end, but with my wonderful abilty to solve problems, i've single-handedly figured out the way to prevent tigger and his dolls from harming us....so, i can check off my 'save the world from tigger' spot on my 'what to do before i die' checklist. so what's next on my list, you say? simple...



...diamond-studded twinkies are on the way...trust me....they're on the way. adios folks.