8 simple ways to know you're gay

1. If you're over 40 and you have a washboard stomach, you're gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and the Oorah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a flaaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly, never scratches itself, has a delicate touch and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog...
"Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!"
Now think about how you call a cat...
"Hey boy, come to daddy."
Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed you're such a major homosexual.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense...rest assured, you're a major "corn holer". A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he goes wherever he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. Dude - you own designer kneepads. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than 6 names of non-standard colors or 4 different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is, you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you're a butt pirate - no question.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time, he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a burger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not think this is funny or if it hurts your feelings, then you are definitely on the verge of being a true rectum ranger!