Panda's blog: "Andy's Rants"

Girlfriend Application Finding a girlfriend is a remarkably difficult procedure. Believe me, I speak from personal experience. Basically, I'm tired of meeting the crazies, so I have devised a way to help move along the screening procedure. Besides, who doesnt want their own personal Andy? WANTED Nice girl somewhere near the 25-30 age range for passionate, romantic relationship with an incredibly awesome 29-year-old guy, who for merely the sake of argument we'll call Andy. JOB RESPONSIBILITIES Tolerating/enjoying my company on a daily basis Telling me that everything's okay when I fervently believe that it's not Seeing everyday as an adventure Appreciating me for what I am as well as what I am not Teaching me exactly what it means to be a great guy (i have my moments) Being there when needed WAGES/SALARY All of my heart MISCELLANEOUS BENEFITS As many massages as you require. Someone to listen. A shoulder to cry on. A date for Valentine's Day or any other major holiday. Someone to cuddle with while watching TV. Someone who still believes that cuddling every now and then is powerfully romantic. At least one anniversary present per year. Opportunity for advancement. Flexible hours. WHAT NOT TO EXPECT FROM THIS POSITION Someone to push you around and control your life, unless you're into that. Leonardo DiCapprio. A cowering whimp. APPLYING FOR THIS POSITION You can apply for this position by getting to know me and expressing your desire to be considered. I will also take resumes both in person and via e-mail at acr91276@aol.com Please fill out the form below. What is your name? How have we met? Are you a "real" person? Do you attend school? Do you have a job? Do you drive fast? What is your hair color and shoe size? Do you in any way, shape, or form resemble Marge Simpson? Have you ever been convicted of a crime (answering yes may or may not have a direct influence on the consideration of your appointment to the seeked position) What's the big deal with JELLO about? Is sex bad? Are you crazy? Do you have a history or family history of mental illness? Are you lying? Name three things if you were stranded on a desert island you would take with you. Is this fun yet? Are you capable of having fun? Have you ever had any traumatic experiences or suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress disorder? Name three things that rhyme with boat... AND for the final question say one thing that is unique and that will catch my attention...

BOOTY CALL! Please fill out the below application if you want to be a booty call for me. (To be taken very seriously--). Name: ___________________ Age: ____________________ Phone: (____) ____________ Occupation: ____________________ Height______ Weight______ Married(Y/N)__ Single(Y/N)___ Other_________ How often do u wanna have sex?(check appropriate answer) Daily__ Weekly__ Monthly__ As much as possible__ How long can u last? (check appropriate answer)I> 1min ___ 15min__ 30min__ 1hr__ all nite___ Do u like Giving oral sex? (Y/N)___ Which do u prefer? (check appropriate box) One on one__ Doubles__ Group___ While having sex, what do u do? (check all appropriate answers) Faint__ Cry__ Moan__ Wiggle__ Twist__ Jerk about__ Pant__ Sweat___ Scream__ Hum__ Whistle__ Just lie there__ Go to sleep__ Watch tv__ Read__ Think of someone else___ Ball play______ List three positions u like: 1. 2. 3. What is ur preferred pace? (check appropriate answer) Slow__ Fast__ Very fast__ Rigorous___ Do you like rough sex? No__ Sometimes__ Always__ Do you like to talk dirty? No__ Sometimes__ Always__ When is the best time to reach u? (check appropriate answer) Morning__ Afternoon__ Nite___ How late can u stay out? (check appropriate answer) 11-12am__ 1-2am__ all nite___ Any talent or skills(Y/N) if so, list: Most interesting place you've done it: What would you do to me if we were stuck alone together in an elevator for an hour?:

30 Things Guys Want Girls To Know!! 1. We're not as perverted as you think we all are. 2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a LOSER. 3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too. 4. Don't argue with us when we call you beautiful. 5. Don't treat us like crap, what goes around comes around. 6. We know you're pretty, that's one of the reason's we're going out with you. 7. Don't go into detail about your period. It scares us. 8. If you have cramps and we ask you what's wrong, just tell us it's that time of the month and nothing more. 9. If you really liked us for us, you would let us think that our mustache, beard, or sideburns looked cool. 10. We never shave our legs. So get over it. 11. NEVER ask us if you can put makeup on us. It's just wrong............ 12. Don't make bets about us, because one of your friends will tell us, if you don't. 13. When we tell you that you're not fat, believe us. 14. We absolutely do not care about the Backstreet Boys, *NSYNC, 98 Degrees, or what any other guy looks like for that matter. 15. We may not be able to pee accurately all of the time, but at least we can stand up and go pee. 16. Just cause you think you're always right, doesn't mean that you don't have to apologize when you do something "wrong." 17. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us. 18. We can't always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes. 19. Don't ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for. 20. Never kick us in the nuts "just to see what we would say". That's just mean. 21. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you. 22. Pamela Anderson's boobs aren't fake anymore, but we like yours better anyway. 23. Size doesn't matter, except to idiots who don't want a relationship. 24. PMS is not an excuse. 25. If you want us to put the seat down when we're done, you should put it up when you're done. 26. Don't tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesn't turn us on. 27. And always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach..... and maybe....oh nevermind. 28. NEVER ask us to kiss other guys. You might be that comfy with your friends, but to us it's just wrong. 29. We always notice how funny it is after you rip out our heart, stick it down our throat and still want to be friends. 30. And last but not least: We know you're not always right, but we'll pretend like you are anyway.

9 Things I Hate About Everyone 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the f*** is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually. 3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it? 4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*** would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? 5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the f***ing floor. 6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it. 8. When people say "life is short". What the f***?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone person ever f***ing does!! 9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?