The Heartbreak Kid's blog: "And Sometimes, She Gets Bitchy"

My love will follow me (as I sleep) with eyes that linger on my still form My love will follow my lead and lead by example Never pausing to wonder where we're going only knowing that it is together, somewhere. My love will follow me never straying from the path that flows and beats and winds, never straight but straight, to my heart And my love will promise me everything and mean it, every single time. My love will follow me.

I was having a really awful dream about you last night. We were walking through the park (I don't know why. We've never gone to the park together) and talking about love, your ex-wife, our children, our dreams and everything we wanted out of this life. The dream was sweet until, quite suddenly, you turned on me and started saying all the things I've always feared that you carry around in your heart. You were hurtling insults and anger and it pierced me. In my dream, I cried. I cried for you and for what we could have been. What we were. I cried for a friend that I had lost, not only in my dreams, but in life. I was awoken from that dream at 1:30 this morning by the phone ringing in my ear. It was you, calling from a friend's house, drunk. You're always drunk. I don't know why you called but the coincidence was unnerving. As usual, you made me feel guilty for things that were never my fault. You made me regret things that should only be yours to regret. You made me feel sad and small. You never mean to do it and yet, it happens every time I hear your voice. You want to see me before you leave for training next week. You want me to see you, you say. You want me to see you sober. You want to see if I like you when you're simply you, inhibited and natural, without the liquid confidence that comes from hours of drinking with your boys. You want me to see you. But I won't…I will never see you again.

It’s not in my heart that I love you It’s in the soft of my lips and the tip of my tongue Where I taste your sweet kiss And your sigh as you breathe into me It’s only you that makes me feel this way This clenching, burning heat that melts its way Through arms and chest and in between The soft cream of my thighs And only forever could be long enough To revel in the sweet smell of sweat That trickles down your back and onto sheets Tangled by their time between us.

God, grant me the maturity To ignore the things I cannot change; The ego to force the things I can; But not the wisdom to know the difference. God, grant me the absurdity To use really bad pickup lines; The eyes to leer at perky breasts; And the balls to think it’s working. God, grant me the audacity To treat women like luggage; The muscles to push them around; And the class to do it whenever I can. God, grant me the sincerity To lie my way into any girl’s pants; The heart to do it without giving a damn; And the coldness to never call again. God, please…make me a man.

Boys, I am sick of your shit. I have spent the last few years of my life dating a succession of losers who have frankly, nearly destroyed any desire I have to settle down. I'm a fairly easygoing girl. It really isn't that hard to please me. And yet, I find myself constantly disappointed, frustrated and pissed off. So, because I'm put-out and pissed off AND because I think y'all could use a hand, I'm going to give you a few pointers. Maybe one of you will actually read, comprehend and utilize the following tips. Boy, that would be great. Boyfriend Do's: -Practice Good Hygiene Take a shower every day. Brush your teeth. WEAR DEODERANT. No girl is going to want to smell your funk. If you want a woman to get close to you, make sure you smell nice and aren't covered in grime, skunk or muck. This one should be simple, right?? -Open My Door No, honey, the feminist movement did not kill chivalry. While it's true that we expect to be treated as equals, that does not mean that we don't appreciate a little bit of chivalry every now and again. Just don't get carried away. -Speak Respectfully of (and to) Women Nothing turns me off quicker than hearing a man refer to another woman as a slut, cunt or whore. It just makes you look bad. I don't care what she did to you. Name calling (especially names as disrespectful as 'cunt') only makes you look like a bitter and immature pig. I am automatically put on the defensive when I hear a man belittling a woman. If you want me to like you, keep your hateful opinions to yourself. -Mind your Manners Belching at the dinner table isn't funny. Picking your teeth while you wait for the check is just gross. Scratching your nuts in plain sight of the rest of the world? Trashy. Seriously, manners matter. You don't have to be the king of etiquette but please, try to at least refrain from making me want to throw up in my mouth. -Be Taller Than Me I know. This is shallow. I can't help it. I like a tall man. -Smile Often People are attracted to happy people and I hate spending time with someone who looks like he just found out his puppy was run over by a truck. Smile! Be happy! It isn't that hard. Plus, smiles are sexy. You want to be sexy, don't you? -Have a Good Sense of Humor Possess the ability to find humor in the things around you. I know that life can be difficult sometimes. Find the funny in it. Laugh at the strange ways things work themselves out. Tell a dirty joke every once in a while. Humor will pull you through the worst situations in life and it will please and inspire the people around you. -Kiss Like You Mean It But please, don't assume that because I'm kissing you, I want to be fucking you. I can almost guarantee you that I don't. -Be Mature I am not saying that you have to be serious and act like you're 52. But please, act like a grown up. If we're dating, then you're definitely an adult. Please don't make me feel like I'm babysitting. -Be Responsible/Employed This one seems pretty self-explanatory. Get a job. Go to work every day. Pay your bills as best you can. You know, don't be fucking slug. I go to work every day and I handle by business. I expect the men I date to do the same. -Be Intelligent You don't have to be a genius but you do need to be at least as smart as I am. No exceptions. Sorry. -Be a Good Conversationalist Learn how to carry on a conversation. Learn to master both talking and listening. Try not to interrupt too often but don't sit there like a dumb mute either. Conversation is an important tool. Use it. -Be Honest Holy crap boys. I have no idea why this is so hard for you. Do not lie. Do not cheat. Do not mislead. It is not that hard to tell the truth and it is incredibly difficult to defend yourself when you've been caught in a lie. Just be honest. Even if we don't like the truth, we'll be grateful that you told it. -Be Romantic I like it. It will earn you brownie points. And it's an awesome way to show a woman that you care enough to put forth an effort. Do it. Or don't and risk having us walk away. It's up to you. -Be Confident When you like yourself, it shows. I like a man who knows and appreciates himself. I don't want to spend my time building up a weak ego. Also, I'm a very strong and opinionated woman (occasionally bossy too). I need a man who is confident and strong enough to stand up to me a little. Boyfriend Do NOT's: -Do NOT Treat Me Like a Silly Little Girl Just because I was not born with a penis, do not assume that I was also born without strength, a brain or an ability to take care of myself. Your penis does not make you exceptional. You are no wiser, stronger or decisive than I. Do not attempt to take over my life because you think that you are better able to determine which road I should take. This attitude will only result in your being cut loose after a swift kick to your left testicle. -Do NOT Pursue a Romantic Relationship With Me While Also Pursuing One With My Friend Boys, we do compare notes. You will get caught and again, you'll only end up cut loose after a swift kick to your left testicle. Have more respect for your testicles. Have more respect for me. -Do NOT Insult My Taste in Music Unless you want to know my opinion on grown men who spend their time listening to angry white boy music, then please, shut the fuck up. If you listen to my music without complaint, I will listen to yours. -Do NOT Lie to Me. DO NOT. I don't need to explain this one. Just don't fucking do it. DO NOT LIE TO ME. -Do NOT Quit Trying Just because we've been on a few dates and I seem to like you, does not mean that you have won my heart and can therefore quit putting effort into our relationship. I can, and probably will, change my mind about you. There is an endless supply of men out there. If it seems that you're unwilling or unable to put some effort into me then I will very quickly (and without an ounce of regret) move on to the next one. I deserve to be treated well. -Do NOT Offer Me Your Penis. If I want to meet your mini me, I'll let you know. Just because I've decided to give you a kiss does not mean that I'm interested in having sex with you. I'm very particular about who I sleep with. Do not assume that I'm even remotely interested in sleeping with you. If you push it, you'll ruin things. Trust me. I don't like feeling like a guy thinks my soul purpose in life is sucking his tiny ass penis. Let me make the first move. You'll be glad you did. -Do NOT Tell Me What Your Ex-girlfriend Thinks of Me I don't care and you shouldn't either. -Do NOT Make Your Drama My Drama Since we're on the topic of ex-girlfriends… If your ex contacts me, harasses me or in any way makes her presence known, I will dump you. I don't care if it's your fault. I will not tolerate that kind of drama in my life. -Do NOT Drive Me Crazy With Incessant Neediness I love to be appreciated. I love knowing that a man wants me and values my presence in his life. HOWEVER, I hate it when a man calls, texts or e-mails constantly. I do not appreciate a man who wants to know where I am at all times. I will not remain in a relationship with a man who needs me to constantly remind him that I care. If you don't have the confidence to KNOW that I wouldn't be in a relationship with you if I didn't think you were awesome, then I don't want to be a relationship with you. -Do NOT Ignore Me As explained previously, I don't need or want to be in constant contact with you. BUT, I do need some contact and some indication that you are thinking of me. Just don't overdo it. -Do NOT Insult My Friends or Family They were here before you were and they'll be here long after you're gone. The best thing you can do is to keep any negative opinions to yourself. I love them more than I love you. Deal with it. -Do NOT Ignore my Feelings or Opinions You are not required to agree with me but you are required to, at minimum, acknowledge my standpoint. Also, do not belittle me for having feelings or opinions that you do not understand or agree with. I will not insult you for disagreeing but I will have no problem "nexting" your ass if you insult me. -Do NOT be a Bigot A person's ethnicity, cultural background, gender or sexual preference does not define them. Do not discriminate against someone because they are black, female, gay or from Canada (well, maybe because they're from Canada). Not only will I dump you if I find out you're a bigot; I will spend the rest of my life hating you and everything you stand for. -Do NOT Forget to Call I don't like sitting by the phone waiting for you to call. If you say you're going to call and you don't, I'm going to delete you from my phone and from my life. There are way too many men out there for me to spend my time waiting on one. If you're interested in me, you'd better be on your game. I've already used up my allotted "waiting for his call" time.