Clifford Mayem's blog: "Stuff"

Thursday, February 16, 2006 Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses Current mood: hopeful Top Ten Dick Cheney Excuses 10. "Heart palpitation caused trigger finger to spasm" 9. "Wanted to get the Iraq mess off the front page" 8. "Not enough Jim Beam" 7. "Trying to stop the spread of bird flu" 6. "I love to shoot people" 5. "Guy was making cracks about my lesbian daughter" 4. "I thought the guy was trying to go 'gay cowboy' on me" 3. "Excuse? I hit him, didn't I?" 2. "Until Democrats approve medicare reform, we have to make some tough choices for the elderly" 1. "Made a bet with Gretzky's wife" 4:55 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Wednesday, February 15, 2006 King of Hearts Current mood: contemplative Entry for February 15, 2006 King of Hearts I woke up this morning and went for a walk. As I was strolling through a parking lot I came across a playing card. It was laying face down. I picked it up and it was a King of Hearts. Throughout the years I would usually keep a few of these in my wallet. (We have a casino here in town and playing cards are easy to come by.) I would leave the card on someones door or on their windshield as a sign that I was there. I used the King of Hearts because to me it was a symbol of who I am. For one the heart. Because I am a very loving and caring person. I have been known to put others needs before my own. I am very romantic and chivalrous. I am intimate, passionate, and comitted when I am in a relationship. But the King of Hearts is a suicide king. He is sticking a sword through his head. To me it has always meant that I could almost kill myself over a heartbreak. I don't fall in love easy, but for whatever reason I do fall in love it is a very good one. I don't really think that I would ever kill myself over a heartbreak no matter how hard it was or how many times I go through one but think about Romeo and Juliet. You never know. When I fall in love, I fall hard. When I fall in love it is meant as a life long comittment. My love is deep. So deep. Deeper than Atlantis. Deeper than the sea floor traveled bt the mantis. I have had my heartbroken twice. Well... once really. The first time was just a learning experience and I got over it. This time was different though. I really learned what all it took to be a husband. We never married. We were going to but the day after we got the marriage license she left me for no good reason and started being real mean. I can't believe after all the shit that I went through for her, after all we went through that she would do what she did to me. But when I decided to ask her to marry me, it just felt right. I had never asked that to anyone in my life and when I did I thought "I'm going to ask her to marry me. I know this is the one and I want to spend the rest of my life dedicated to this one person." Tears cames to my eyes and I thought that I will do everything within my power to keep this relationship strong and going. Whatever it takes. I guess sometimes your best is not enough. I wonder if it ever will be now. I thought we were on the same page. I guess not. I am so unhappy with this and it has caused me to think that I want to die. I am very depressed. But when I came across that King of Hearts this morning it was like an omen. I filled me with hope that there is someone out there looking after me. I have had strange coincidences like this before. Especially in my last relationship. And I know that when we were together, we were meant to be together for that period of time. And who knows. You never know what might happen. We might even get back together someday. But I am filled with hope. I ain't gonna give up on love. Not yet anyway. I just hope that I find it before I die. I just hope that it is a sign and that there is somebody out there for me. I just don't want to wait until I am sixty years old to find it. 10:28 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Edit - Remove Tuesday, February 14, 2006 LOVE Current mood: sad Category: Romance and Relationships The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to Love and be loved in return. "Love is prococious, love doesn't know a time, an actually day, or any calender. Valentine's day does not dictate my feelings, my emotion, and my spirit over Love. Rather, my heart will dictate my Valentine's day. My heart has it's own time & pace and when that time comes, my heart will race and tell me.. like bells and whistles, I will celebrate and cherish the moment. I will pour my heart out and throw my sweet kisses to my heart's desire. Util then, my heart be still." - Eddie One of my favorite Love ?songs? is the duet between ?Satine and ?Christian in the ?musical? "?Moulin Rouge?". A ?musical? celebration about TRUTH, BEAUTY, FREEDOM, and above all things LOVE. Inspired by Tat's Sabotage entry. ? ? ELEPHANT LOVE MEDLEY ? ? - Ewan McGregor (Christian) & Nicole Kidman (Satine) ? ? Ewan: Love is a many splendored thing, Love lifts us up where we belong, All you need is Love Nicole: Please, don't start that again Ewan: All you need is Love Nicole: A girl has got to eat Ewan: All you need is Love Nicole: She'll end up on the street Ewan: All you need is Love Nicole: Love is just a game Ewan: I was made for loving you baby, You were made for loving me Nicole: The only way of loving me baby, Is to pay a lovely fee Ewan: Just one night, Just one night Nicole: There's no way, Cause you can't pay Ewan: In the name of Love, One night in the name of Love Nicole: You crazy fool, I won't give in to you Ewan: Don't...leave me this way, I can't survive, Without your sweet Love, Oh baby, don't leave me this way Nicole: You'd think that people would have had enough of silly Love songs Ewan: I look around me, And I see it isn't so, no Nicole: Some people wanna fill the world with silly Love songs Ewan: Well, what's wrong with that? I'd like to know, Cause, here I go again! Love lifts us up where we belong, Where eagles fly on a mountain high Nicole: Love makes us act like we are fools, Throw our lives away, For one happy day Ewan: We could be heroes, Just for one day Nicole: You, you will be mean Ewan: No, I won't Nicole: And I...I'll drink all the time Ewan: We should be lovers Nicole: We can't do that Ewan: We should be lovers, And that's a fact Nicole: Though nothing will keep us together Ewan: We could steal time, Just for one day Both: We could be heroes, Forever and ever, We could be heroes, Forever and ever, We could be heroes Ewan: Just because I will always Love You Nicole: I can't help loving you...How wonderful life is Both: Now, you're in the world Placido Domingo: La forza dell'amor ( the power/force of ) ? ? 3:17 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Valentine's Day Current mood: depressed Category: Romance and Relationships Well. Here's the day that I have not been waiting for. Such a depressing lonely day. Can't wait until it is behind me. Maybe some year I will enjoy Valentine's Day. But the past few years have been it has been really bad for me on this day. Thanks Kaitlin. At least your happy. 11:49 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Edit - Remove Monday, February 13, 2006 My colorgenics profile. Current mood: depressed You feel as if you have missed out on a great deal that life had to offer and you go about trying to make up for past failures. Naturally at times you get depressed and you try to compensate for your 'missed opportunities' by living your life to the full. This is what, perhaps, may be described as 'living with exaggerated intensity'. In this way you feel you can break the chains of the past and start again - and it could be that you are right. You are a very warm and emotional individual but unfortunately in the past too many people have taken advantage of this sensitive trait. You need aesthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and understanding partner with whom to share a warm understanding. You lack confidence and that is a great pity because deep down you are indeed a warm caring person. This lack of confidence is making you wary of being drawn into any open discussion or conflict and so you feel as if you should let matters lie and leave well alone. But there may be a pleasant surprise in store for you. You are beginning to grow and very soon - sooner than you believed possible - this warm loving new you will be available for all to see and to appreciate. You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others. You really like doing what you do and, more than that, you like yourself. Your attitude to work and to life is that 'If its not fun - then don't do it'. You want to be liked and respected, not for who you are but for what you are - and it seems to be working This was kinda wired but it was also very true. To find out your coloregenics profile, got to http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/index.htm 8:24 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove The Clod and the Pebble Current mood: depressed Category: Romance and Relationships Clod and the Pebble, The "Love seeketh not itself to please, Nor for itself hath any care, But for another gives its ease, And builds a heaven in hell's despair." So sung a little clod of clay, Trodden with the cattle's feet; But a pebble of the brook Warbled out these meters meet: "Love seeketh only Self to please, To bind another to its delight, Joys in another's loss of ease, And builds a hell in heaven's despite." William Blake 1:47 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Valentine's Day Current mood: depressed Category: Romance and Relationships I am so fucking depressed. This Valentine's Day is going to be the worst. 1:45 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Sunday, February 12, 2006 I wish things were different. Current mood: sad Well I talked to her. I got some closure. She is still too stubborn to admit alot of her faults though. I could tell you all about it but I have decided I am not going to talk about her anymore. I have my reasons. I think it is best. I think I can go on now but this depression is crippling though. I just hope that I find the companionship that I desire someday. I just want to be happy. I just wish things were different though. I wish my life didn't fall apart again and I wish she and I could have stayed together. ~Tears~ This has been the hardest thing for me to deal with in my life. 2:39 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Thursday, February 09, 2006 OMFG! She Called me last night. OMFG! Current mood: confused She called me last night. I was laying down thinking about her as usual and the phone rang. For some reason I knew it was her. I'm quite intuitive. And it's been quite a while since she apoke to me. We'll, she didn't really speak. She called twice and didn't say anything. She called again and played a very fitting song. I cried. I called back to see who it was because I didn't recognize the number. She had her cell number changed 7 months ago when she left me. But from the prefix I knew it was a Cingular and from my town although she live in West Terre Haute now. Or so I believe. Anyway. It really freaked me out when I heard her voicemail. I knew for sure then. I texted her and asked why she called and didn't say anything and asked id she was okay. I told her that I loved her and missed her. She texted back and said that she was really sorry that she hurt me all those times and that she hopes that I find a woman that makes me happy. And that I deserve better than her. That this was goodbye and that I could do better. I tried to call her back but got her voicemail again. I was wet with tears. I left a message telling her that I was worried about her. I knew that if she was calling me playing a song like that that she was in an emotional state. I was worried that she was thinking about suicide again. I told her that it has been real hard without her and stuff. That I would do anything for her and if she ever needed anything or had second thoughts about getting back together then don't hesitate to call me. She left me another text message telling me to call her tonight. I am going to call her. I love her and want her back. I am really nervous and kinda scared though. I know that when I call I am going to hopefully get some answers finally. I don't have any idea what to expect. But I have a little hope that we will get back together but I don't want to get my hopes up too much. I know if she says no that I will be very disappointed and hurting again. Even if I do deserve better, it is not about what I deserve. It's who I love and I love her. And I hope she still loves me. I want her. She brought out a side of me that I never knew I had. I never loved someont the way I love her. Unconditionally. I understand that she has her problems and I want to do all I can to help her. What should I do? This kind of love defies all practicality. But why compare love to practicality? This is what I want. And I hope she will give it another try. But I don't understand a few things. How could she have turned on me? It's like she has a split personality. And I don't know the darker side. Iv'e seen a little of it but I don't understand it. I hope this turns out good. I never wanted anything so bad in my life. I love you Kaitlin. 3:18 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos - Add Comment - Edit - Remove Tuesday, February 07, 2006 Jive Turkey Current mood: good It's all right. I've cooled off a little now. I found out through her mother that she was never really married. Kaitlin is a pathological liar. I wish I had the time to tell you all the whole story. You would trip. But anyway, I'm okay now. I know that she lies to make me think that she is doing well and and content. I know better. I wish her well though. I hope she gets well. I just wish things could have been different ya know? I never thought that she would turn into a jive turkey. Anyway, have any of you checked out Launchcast? I am addicted. I got all my favorite songs, artists, and albums rated. I love it. Free music. But as a musician I feel somewhat guilty. Okay. So I am sounding like Lars Ulrich. But you got to love it when all your favorite music is at the touch of a key. And you can type up some rare song that you haven't heard in forever and they got it. Only a few exceptions. I couldn't find My Guitar Wants to Kill Your Momma by Dweezil Zappa and Hot Rod Lincoln by Junior Brown.