SirsPanda's blog: "Amanda 's world "

Take it or leave it. I've been thru hell and life decided to throw me a curveball that I didn't expect.  I am pregnant I guess since my news was aired for the world wide Web to know and his work I can say it too.  I wanted time to figure out what to do of course I limited who I told which was my sub/bf aka the father and my best friend of 20years. It was my right bc no one would be happy with who is the father I can't blame them but I am trying to believe that he has changed that he wants us he wants our life and our family. We tried with no luck and the first time we get back together it happened that has to mean something.  We thought of a girls name and want to go shopping and find a house for us. I'm nervous for sure bc of the negative statements made behind my back but whatever it is what it is. No I don't know what the end result will be for us I would be lying if I didn't say I had bad thoughts everyday at some point or another bc of what happened in the past but if I don't try to start fresh how fair is that am I supposed to stay guarded bc of his mistake I'm not saying forget hell no but I made mistakes to which I'm still having in a way to pay for but I love him and he loves me and I honestly believe that because if we didn't then we would've been done the first time we broke up or the second or definitely the third but here we are we always find a way back to each other accept each other for who we really are while others think ill of our choices. On another note I wasn't going to reveal anything till I heard about drama being made to people that didn't need to know our news till we were ready. And even then he talked me out of it unless something else went down bc he didn't want more drama and I accepted his opinion and he accepted mine with the compromise I made.  But I still think there is one detail that was left out which I'm still pretty bent over bc it was rude and disrespectful to me and him. Well I'll continue this later 

Today is a good day I got a job I start soon I'm excited I have an amazing sub sister who I love to death and amazing son who is my world I have it all.  Still I have something nagging at me that I need to push out because it will never be finished and that is just how it is.  I feel like I'll never have the closure that I deserve because someone is too much of a pussy to give me what was promised.  But you know I know it's not worth my energy to worry about it but I feel to really move forward and be happy the closure is needed and answers are needed.  Even now no contact he is in my head and is hate it.  He treated me like I was nothing and I was blind by the love I was giving to him.  I think the only way I'll get what I want is to turn my humanity off and try not to care about anything. I think yesterday my almost day in court with him brought some feelings to the surface I buried and now want to rebury I just have to figure out how.

My sub sister wanted me to create a blog so here I go.  This year didn't start how I thought it would not even close.  Someone I loved told me I meant nothing to him and ripped my heart to pieces and I haven't been the same since.  I went to a mental facility leaving my son for 2 weeks because I couldn't handle all the emotions I was feeling at the time.  My sub sister was the only one I talked to while I was there she made sure I was doing ok and even came to visit me she is truly the most amazing person I know and I lover her to death.  Since then I've become promiscuous and without a care in the world about it looking for love through sex which turns out isn't the best thing to do.  But now I am trying to get back to my old self and have joined my sub sister and her Daddy abound couldn't be happier with my decision.  I need to slow down and work on myself before taking on anything else.  I truly have lost my path. Well this is all for now more to come later.