Am I Gay?, A Self Examination for Men
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you
are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the
boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups,
aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a
dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches
itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and
whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog...
'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now
think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy,
snookums!' Jeeez, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any
such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man
only sucks on bar-B-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish
guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in
training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a
parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's
world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates wherever he
pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight
man will never
be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've
put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four
different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you
might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't
have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If
you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is
you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than
cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're
dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the
wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The
rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station,
eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
not that there's anything wrong with it of course...
