Am I a good guy or a bad guy?
I always seem to run in the problem of people not being able to understand me…at first I wasn’t sure how to let people know what type of person I am, but the only problem is that I’ve been called everything from the nicest guy in the world that any woman would love to have, to the biggest asshole God created and needs to send me to hell. I’d like to think that I am a pretty nice guy…but there are those moments that make me question that. I can get along with pretty much anyone, I don’t start any shit (I really don’t see the point, just to prove some kind of Cro-Magnon ego trip), lazy (which is mainly why I don’t start shit…it takes too much energy, fuck that, Imma lay down for a minute), got a big heart (which is why I get taken advantage of), introverted, quiet, love to laugh and joke around, I’ve learned over the years to think before you speak so no one will misunderstand you…still working on it though, learned how to effectively deal with my temper, lonely, understanding, forgiving, never sure of what to do…but I fake it well. But these are the basic traits I have, of course though different situations people react differently, I’m no exception. I have lied in the past, sometimes I still do…all the times I justified the reason to do so, but I guess the truth of why I did was to keep peace and quiet in my life. I don’t like drama, and I can’t take stress too well…so I always seem to justify anything I say or do because I think about the situation and everything of what else is going on in my life at the time and say what I think will lower my stress and keep the peace…not always the best idea, as a matter fact it never is, but like all people being a creature of habit, I will probably keep doing it until I can think of a way to not justify saying anything, but I am trying to correct that too. I have my bad habits (smoking, drinking) like everyone does, but I am responsible when I am not sober and make sure myself and everyone else is safe at all times…the fact I have bad habits, does that truly make me a bad person? Some may think that I am a “player”, but believe me I am far from it. In my opinion (I may be wrong), a player is someone who intends to use people for any selfish purpose and changes who they are constantly…my story has always stayed the same because I speak from my life, my experiences, my knowledge, my ideas, and my heart. Some listen, some don’t…the ones that do, never stay with me for long for various reasons and everything was my fault. As I reflected on those past relationships it gave me some insight…I wasn’t the only one at fault, at times I was never at fault…but I never argued back because I never understood the point of arguing when both are wrong and I probably never will. I am many things…I am a man, hopefully a father one day, intelligent, a leader, a follower, a child, a nephew, a cousin, a good boyfriend, drinker, smoker, artist, pothead, no longer the angry youth, but the young man with the drive and potential to do anything in life, but the one thing I can never figure out is am I a good guy, or bad guy? But now I’m a little older and a little wiser (not much though, I still do dumb shit), and if I know that things will not work out in a relationship, am I the bad guy for not wanting to pursue a potentially bad relationship? I’ve been called selfish before, so I guess that kinda justifies it and I can understand why. But the one thing that still bothers me, if I am such a bad guy then why do I go out of my way to make her feel as special as I do? Why have I sent flowers because I thought of her…maybe I was drinking or something? Who knows? Why did I send all those texts that made her smile that beautiful smile when I see it…I had to have been drunk, that’s it, I was drunk. And why in the hell did I make love to her with as much passion as I have…maybe I was high? Hmm…well, I’ve always been under the impression that if it happens like that…then it’s more than just sex, but hey I could be wrong. I don’t know…still can’t figure it out…am I a good guy or bad guy? My personal opinion is that baseline I am a good man, however…I do have some fucked up ways, but again trying to get to my peace and quiet is why I have them (is it wrong to do things for yourself at times and protect yourself from people who want to hurt you?). What do I know? If I knew I wouldn’t ask the question, but unfortunately I don’t. If there was someway I could make amends for the wrong I’ve done then I would…but I can’t go back in time to do that, the only thing I can do is learn, grow, and mature as a human. Well, until I know for sure, I’m just going to live my life the best way I can and let God tell me when I am ready to come home.
