have you ever been surrounded by people, yet felt so alone? like the river of tears flowing down your face go unnoticed? like nothing you say or do matters to anyone? why is it that no matter where i am, or who i am with, its as if i dont matter? i am alone and i hate it. i have no one to hold me, to comfort me. i have people who say they are my friends, yet when i need them the most, i dont know where they are... sitting next to me yet not seeing me at all. because i am not important.. its not about me. my son needs a mom that can care for him, unlike me. he needs someone who can play with him and laugh with him, and not push him away. i cant do that right now. i cant be the mom he needs. i cant be the friend that people need, the daughter my parents want, the girlfriend guys need. i am so alone and ready to just hide away and scream at the top of my lungs, and cry like i havent cried in a while. i need to just let it out and feel the feelings i am trying to suppress. i want someone to listen even when i am not saying anything. notice when i am crumbling. someone to take a raise my son and love him, give him what i cannot. i want to go to bed and stay there for a month, or a year, or never leave. i want to go to sleep and never wake up again. i dont want to feel the pain. i dont want to be alone, yet here i sit... alone and in more pain that i know how to deal with. i feel that i have screwed up on everything i have ever tried accomplishing. i feel that i have ruined all my chances of being happy. i hate myself for all the mistakes i have made. for all the people i have hurt. for all the pain i have inflicted upon myself. for all the times i have lashed out on those who didnt deserve it. for putting myself through all the bullshit i have gone through. i hate myself for not being able to control my weight, for not being able to control my depression and my anger. i hate myself for not being one of the girls that guys notice. i hate myself for everything. i hate the fact that i have never been enough to keep someone around. my love has never been enough for anyone. my friendship is never enough, the fact that i am a giving person. my down fall is that i care too much, i try too hard, and i long to be loved. i will do just about anything to gain love and attention, but when i get it, it never comes with respect. i put myself out there, and get rejected.. everytime. my own family lost all respect for me and doesnt want me around. what will it take to have happiness? what will it take to be the mom and the friend that i need to be? what will it take to have the tears go away?? i dont think i will ever know. so here i sit, alone.
