Let me give you a crash coarse about what is wrong with my mother... In Febuary she was diagnosed with terminal 3rd stage lung cancer and about October, she found out that it has spread into her liver. She is back on Chemo... Shr has had a feeding tube in her stomach since Febuary... She celebrated her 51st birthday in March. I celebrated my 21st birthday in January... so there u go... I am open about everything, so u gotta question- feel free to ask.
I am about 20-45mins to finishing the "L Word Season 3"... This season has hit home for me closer than any other. I watched as Dana went to the doctor, then started on Chemo, then she started to recover- go out to places, then she started going down hill so quickly. (FYI to plp that have no clue what show I am talking about... it is a Lesbian show based in LA, Dana is a famous Tennis player and she is 34ish gets diagnosed with breast cancer) I am VERY frightened and scared that its gonna happen the same way with my mom. She starts to recover, get better, eating more orally... then she starts to decline. Her energy starts to drop... I am scared to lose her. Scared to see her like that. I don't want her to be alone when she passes.
Yet selfishly I don't want her to leave cause once she leaves, I'll be alone. I won't have anyone. I'm already alone in this world, but I know I can come home and lay my head in her lap and things will be ok... Everyone around can't see how much I am hurting and if they do they don't acknowledge it very well. There's days I don't wanna type about whats going on or even talk about what is going on... I just want somone to sit next to me... someone to possibly hold me once in a while... someone to show they care... I have all these awesome friends that want to be there for me yet they are thousands of miles away... but what worries me is how many would ACTUALLY be there for me, have the time, show the time if I was actually right there in front of them??
I sit back and look... who am I gonna have once my mother's gone?? Who can I depend on? Sadly I'll be even more alone than I am this second and that scares the shit out of me... I am scared that I am gonna do something to myself... I am frieghtened that I might hurt myself and in all honesty, I wonder who would even notice? Who would notice the blood? Who would notice the fresh scars... scabs? who would notice the cries, the screams.... not a damn person cause no one takes the time. but that is fine... I am slowly learning to handle it, but I am scared how much blood I will lose before I heal inside? I sit here and look at my old scars where they lay... no one sees, no one notices... not even the person that was suppose to be making love to me in my bed? Not the one that wanted to marry me... NO ONE cause they don't take the time... I know almost every scar, every mole, probably most freckles on that persons body and they are clueless of mine, I feel hers is beautiful... Mines gross, no one wants to look at... lights off, clothes half on, thats the way u like to fuck...
Karla
