It has been almost a month now since Jerry died. After two attempts of calling the VA and nothing happening on the insurance claim, a family member suggested filing on line and she would fax it to them. Daughter added me to their checking account for direct deposit, and three days later, the money was here. First call to the VA was on the 5th. Second call was on the 16th. The day I got the money--almost three weeks later--the claim forms I called for finally arrived in the mail. LOL!!!
Step daughter is constantly inviting me to stay over her place, taking me shopping, paying bills, just hanging out, etc. I know her efforts is to keep me from becoming a shut in. Just not ready to do anything. Friends I met on line and are local are attempting the same thing.
Cleaned out Jerrys clothes. When we met, there was no way I could fit into his jeans! His waist was much smaller than mine. I kept about 3 of his pants because they FIT! So I lost some major weight somewhere. I cannot see it or even feel it, but those jeans fit. Forgot about his shoes..will have to deal with them later.
Have had some bad days. Sleep pattern is all screwed up. Watching tv and something comes on and triggers the tears. Or just lost in thought and the tears start. There are times when all I want are arms around me consoleing me and at the same time want no one around me. I am grateful for the visitors that drop by, but also want to be alone, yet want them to stay for the company all at the same time.
Watching tv is an interesting thing. What we used to watch was what Jerry liked. I liked it but not as much as he did. I do not like soaps - day or night or the reality shows. I watch Animal Planet, National Geographic, GSN, News...I see nothing else that interest me. 900 channels and nothing to watch! LOL!! I would like to 'catch up' on the movies. Jerry did not like them or 'wait till it came out on cable'. Well, I do not even have any of the movie channels..that costs more.
Have some gents on line talking and getting me horny, describing in detail what they would do and what would I want to do...! Very hot conversations. Want them here to feel 'normal' again, yet...do not feel ready and the fear of failure or in adquatesies because it has been so long since I have and any kind of sex puts a damper on things. But mainly--Just not ready..does that make sense?
I honestly thought I would be back in the swing of things before now but learning it is hard to do!
At the grocery store I am almost lost in what to get. My grocery list usually centered around what Jerry could eat and tolerate. I did get things that he would not like or eat. And still spent as much as if he were here! Popcicles are still in the freezer--for the kids when they visit. So is his ice cream. Will probably dig into it when the weather gets hotter.
Even have a referral for a job in a bank when I decide to apply. On line. What
happened to applying where you are at that moment? I do need to get my floppy disk drive fixed. It does not read my floppys and I have my resume' on one!
Have gone naked around the house, but still a bit cool in the house at night to remain naked for too long. I do sleep almost nude. Last night I was completely nude. I do have my shades open in certain rooms..not for the exhibionist in me (well maybe a little!). For the lights next door in the parking lot. It filters in and saves me $$ when I do not have to turn on any lights!!
Big boob hugs and kisses!
