Crimson Arrow's blog: "All about me"

Life for me has been harsh and hard for me. Started with me being told I was retarded in kindergarten. Then I got diagnosed with Attention deficit disorder in 2nd grade. After that I got bullied all the time from then until I was 12. Not that it matters to anyone but life turned around a little bit until I 13 and on that day that I became so damn mad over the slightest bit of my mom being home that I ended up putting a guy in coma. Granted later on me and that guy ended up being friends and remained that until he died almost 10 yrs later due to a car accident. I promised to him and his parents the day he came out of coma that I would channel my anger and rage into something else. So I did just that by enrolling in martial arts. As I grew up and kept doing all of that I then study to become pretty much emotionless cause almost anything would bring out that anger. So by the time I turned 16 the only thing I started doing was just react to what was done to me. It sucked cause I didn't feel love cause I worried if I did then I would get hurt. I stopped caring about the whole world cause I couldn't deal with all of what I was seeing. Even though my relationship status between anyone I was seeing between 13 and 16 seemed good but in reality I blamed myself cause I didn't show any emotions so they cheated on me. Obviously with the ages it involved didn't totally matter since it was only teenage love which probably didn't matter to me or them. So age 18 comes up and I end up suffering some injuries including one that my own parents didn't like the surgeons in the USA to handle so the surgery to the front of my knee was repaired in Germany. So once that happened I fell down hill and lost scholarships to good schools for sports and I didn't really care about it. I guess I caught on to the fact that I was better at being a screw up instead succeeding in anything I did. After that I got clearance to join the Army so I did it but my focus wasn't there fully due to the original listing for my job training. I get bored too easily with simple stuff and they asked me if I wanted something more challenging so I joined the special forces and became a Ranger which actually worked out my attention span was fully on it but I still had no emotions to show. My girlfriend at that time tried everything to gain that from me regardless if it was love or anything and just didn't happen. I tried everything I could myself but I also went through a major loss just after joining the Army. I lost my mom and the belief was that it was a heart attack but I think it was drugs cause she was heavy into some bad stuff. After that I shut down everything and refuse to show anything to anyone regardless of how I truly felt inside. At this point I'm almost 21 once I started to try to open up but still didn't cause even with the next 2 relationships just made me feel worse by feeling like I was being used and that just sucked in my eyes. In actuality they both were not only using me but cheated on me. So a few years go by and I actually had a chance to be with someone that considered themselves to be a fool but I wouldn't still open up. Me and actually lasted longer then I ever could think of until she lied to me and showed her true colors by doing something I told her not to.  Another 2 yrs go by and it's like 2005 and at this point I'm out of the military and also struggling with a little bit of PTSD from being at war and a little bit of depression cause I had no one to be with. At the end of that year I found my current ex wife and figured it would change me and it did. I haven't had much hate for women since the time my sister who said she loved me tried to kill me when I was 12 and tried to push me into the road. Of course I defended myself to save my life then just like I did with my current ex. The problem is a lack of communication between me and her because she never cared about me in a way to help me at my times of need unless it involved money. So me and her had 2 kids and they are one girl and one boy. My daughter was taken away by the state and adopted due to my ex making a phone call saying she shook my daughter. Needless to say I figured that I was doomed just cause of how my life has been. 2007 is when she was born and her brother was born in 2010. So me and her had hard times constantly and it got to the point I had enough and wanted away from it. Then the divorce that I thought was finalized after she moved out in 2011 wasn't cause she didn't sign it. I went through 2011 to 2017 thinking I was divorced and attempted to move on but got screwed. Had maybe 2 minor 1 or 2 week relationships that just didn't work out. Still didn't have the emotions that anyone wanted to see so I started going down a dark road with how I did feel.  So I catch this virus that mimics a stroke and end doing nothing for 4 of those years. At this point it's near the end of 2017 and my ex screws me again cause not only does she take my son from me after all the years I also find out the original divorce wasn't valid and she filed. I was so beside myself that I shutdown all over again and keep myself that way until November 2018 when I chose originally to shut down myself on here that I met a woman on here and I fell actually in love with her and not quite sure how she did it but I open up with her more then I ever did with anyone else. There has been some ups and downs but I guess that's normal with long distance relationships. One I love is the constant communication between us and the way we are able to connect but I dont think she gets why I dont care about staying on this site for. The ultimate part is that I dont want to lose what we have cause this site is why I lost my last 2 relationships cause where they didn't want to show me what I wanted and needed that turned to here to meet friends and hopefully have them help understand what I was going through. Cause of this site my second to last relationship thought I cared more about the site then her and my current ex thought I was trying to cheat on her or something similar cause I didn't care about her which was wrong cause I only came here to talk and nothing more and even then I didn't get that. Hints why I deleted my profile so many times between 2005 and 2016. However to get to the point of everything I now feel like I can open up more with this woman and be something I deserve to be and what she sees in me but I'm afraid cause I chose not to really want to be coming back on here that I worried about losing what I have with her that it wouldn't be a good enough reason. However it is the truth cause I never want her to think if I come on here just to talk that something breaks us up and already something has happened to try to do that but we worked it out. Anyways she's the true person I want in my life and that's why I am choosing to stay away from here as much as need to and what sucks is that she wont see this unless someone tells her in which this is another reason I am able to open up more cause she does something to bring out my emotions my simple being and my soul in which I thought I lost. I know no one will tell her cause no one reads my stuff.. Good bye for now.