diogenespersonified's blog: "Richocets In The Brainpan"

 

Ah the Jersey Shore…..breezy, fashionable and of course the epitome of all that is sweetness and light in the world.

 

    Ok, so maybe this isn’t the nicest thing I have written in a while. (and for those who don’t know me so well, the above statement was indeed sarcasm)

 

    My children go to one of the newer schools in their district. This, like most in life, has both perks and annoyances. This note is less about this school, more about the charming fellow parents that wait for their offspring to get out in the lobby.

 

   Now I have never seen the show Jersey Shore. Maybe it is a bastion of family values for all I know, but I have lived in Jersey, visit there frequently and am a bit acquainted with the social patterns and structure. Because of that, and this particular covey of parental units, I call them the “cast of Jersey Shore”

  

   Though in all fairness several are also faux “jaw-clinchers”. This is even more amusing then the rest of the cast, simply because Lacrosse has no Mainline and certainly isn’t New Hampshire.

 

   So one member of this particular murder, has this habit of eyeballing me and on occasion has made comment. What is amusing is the range of looks and comments. I thought I was a walking dichotomy but dear readers, this is beyond that, it makes bipolar look like a social aberration as minor as the debate of lacing your shoes left over right or right over left. (no offense to my BP friends, we all know my stance on that and those that love me can attest to my mood swings. Probably those who hate me as well.)

 

  These comments run from the disdain and disgust one can only get being in the bastion of social supremacy wearing worn out carhartt pants, a faded pocket t-shirt, thin and ripped denim over-shirt and bush hat.  True, tis a wee bit of snobbery but nothing surprising.

 

   This then swings to the other extreme; virtual eye-fucking and cat-in-heat comments when I happened to be dressed in a decent shirt, kilt and driving hat. Yes, from the same person whose venom burned holes in the floor clear to Ecuador the day before when I tarnished the sacred halls of education in apparent homeless couture.

 

   Today’s conversation finally brought out the less-than-pleasant side in me. Yes my literary admirers I have one of those. I know, I hide it so well. With that I bring you:

 

How to win friends and influence people in the Coulee Region

Or

A real Jersey response to verbal flatulence

 

(Prelude: Christopher attends a production of “On Golden Pond” this weekend at the local community theatre where he is observed to be dressed in semi-formal kilt kit and acting appropriately i.e. did not piss in the potted palms.)

 

(The scene:  Our Star, Cynthia speaks to a fellow Shore Member is a not-so-subdued stage whisper.)

 

 

Cynthia: I swear HE was at the theatre this weekend.

Phoebe: It possibly couldn’t have been, I mean…really?

Cynthia: HE was even wearing his kilt and was with this woman whose son was in the cast.

Phoebe: You surely are mistaken, theatre AND a date? Please.

 

 (Wearing an Armani knock off, the star of the Shore approaches a scruffy cargo pant clad unshaven long haired individual trailed by her trusty side-kick)

 

Cynthia: Excuse me, weren’t you at the Lacrosse Community Theatre this Sunday?

Myself: As a matter of fact I was.

Phoebe: Really? YOU go to the theatre?

Cynthia: I was very surprised to see you there.

Myself: Yes I enjoy theatre very much.

Phoebe: Really. That is so surprising.

Myself: Why?

Cynthia: Well you just….well you don’t seem…..

Phoebe: …The theatre type is all.

Myself: Oh. Well, I do appreciate some culture.

Cynthia: That is very nice.

Myself: Well not yours so much, but yes I do enjoy the arts.

Phoebe: Well I…..

Myself: I mean I CAN chew with my mouth closed and everything. Know to start from the outside in with a place setting and shocking as this may seem, have been known to go to Broadway.

Phoebe: (much louder and indignant) I cannot believe….

Cynthia: I just don’t know what to DO with you….

Myself: Well, I really can’t help you with your beliefs; Father John at St. Mary’s might be able to. As far as doing anything with me, was that a request for suggestions?

   (Phoebe proceeds so walk off huffing and puffing)

Cynthia: Well maybe…but I AM married……

Myself: Well if it is suggestions you are after, when trying to pick a boy-toy for those rainy afternoons, condescension one moment and blatant visual copulation the next moment isn’t the best approach.

Cynthia: I NEVER…

Myself: What? Oh my mistake…a thousand pardons.

Cynthia: Well….

 (The villain walks off to better see the approach of his sprites and conclude this amazing conversation)

(Children approach, male sprite has a mini-gap male gap commercial in tow, introduces him, and viola’ it is Cynthia’s offspring)

Sprite: Ciamar a tha thu mo Da? This is my friend (insert micro jaw-clencher’s name)

Cynthia: WHAT did he just say?

Myself: That (Blank) is his friend.

Cynthia: No, no before that.

Myself: How are you Dad? Is that what you mean?

Cynthia: Oh yes….Why….you can speak another language….we should have coffee….

Myself: Should we? I think that would be rather unsuitable.

Cynthia: I cannot believe you said that.

Myself: What? A word with four syllables? Here I will make it easy for you. (lays on heavy Jersey accent) No friggin way are we grabbin coffee.

(The villain then leaves with sprites in tow to the background strain of Blank saying “His Dad is so COOOOOOL!”)

 

   So dear readers, was this my better behavior? Sadly it was not. I am sure a strongly worded letter from the PTA as well as the producers of Jersey Shore is to follow. In defense of my boorish behavior I might add: 1. I refrained from foul language in any dialect. Something I KNOW will amaze my friends. 2. I have never approached these women and really am clueless as to who they are, and while in my mind and in the company of friends may mock them (hey common, we all do this) I never have so much as given a significant glance let alone an unkind word to others at school. 3. I keep out of the way and to myself to avoid any type of conversation at school. Simply to avoid moments like these or, to me something much worse, a invitation to get to know such people. My social travels simply are not up to that task.

 

So I hope that today’s events have amused you as much as they have amused you. Mayhap I have offended you. In which case, I beg the question “Why are you on my friends list again?”

 

 

               Never a dull moment in my world, that’s for sure.