CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE
This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find
out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What
they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every
Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor
pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been
in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an
hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who
would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I
wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a
passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve
and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My
sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours,
long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with
Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a
couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the
family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas
dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a
doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had
several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?"
Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her into the
dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one
wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on, Granny, hang
on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's
friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like
my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty
hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny
threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder
drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. And Louise went on
to star in several bachelor party movies.
