Amma's blog: "I Am"

Captain Jack Sparrow's father's advice:

"It's not about living forever, Jackie. It's about living forever with yourself."

Once upon a time a very famously naughty and hard rocking man  - Keith Richards - came to my town. He played a game with this listening audience - he asked for women to call the radio station and see who could turn him on...

I squirmed in my chair at work - not from lusty anticipation of the pleasing of the man via vicarious and voyeuristic audio slavery to the women that would call in and take the challenge. No, it was more a sense of how bored that man must be with all the flesh flung as his head. Years and years and years and years of it. 

One woman called and said she would pull his zipper down with her teeth. He sort of liked that. Another called and she stammered and hemmed and hawed, and not a hummmmm appeared, er.... was heard. He took pity on her and noted, "You are a good girl, aren't you..." she shamefully admitted it and he told her it was okay. 

And as I have made my way through life as a woman, a mother, a lover, a wife, a fool, a heroine, a bitch, a wayward child, and far too many other states of beeing to name, I have felt the sting of judgement from others. This generally did not end up well for anybody, since I have a deep desire to please, and when it appears I cannot I also have a tendency to Tear The Roof Off the Sucker, when I am in a funk of displeasure with myself at not pleasing all the people all of the time.

For the sake of everyone involved I now keep in mind that my behavior needs to be something I can live with, from myself - and I have the bar set high, but I am always willing to add stairs and continue to improve. And I will be heard...