April's blog: "ADDICT"

You call me "Cracker", "Honkey", "Whitey" and even "The Man" and you think it's OK. But when I call you, "nigger", "Kike", "Towelhead", "Sand-nigger", "Camel Jockey", "Beaner" or "Chink" you call me a racist. You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You have Yom Hashoah You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi You have the NAACP. You have BET. If we had WET(white entertainment television) we'd be racists. If we had a White Pride Day you would call us racists. If we had white history month, we'd be racists. If we had an organization for only whites to "advance" our lives, we'd be racists. If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships, you know we'd be racists. In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists. You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists. You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist. I am white. I am proud. But, you call me a racist. Why is it that only whites can be racists?

This is really hard for me to sit here and tell my Long harrible life story.. But here we go!! As i sit here and cry while typing it out but it will all be worth it at the end...My mother married my real father March 19 1984.. Then a year later March 18 1985 i was born.. Then for some weired reason my real father turned into a tottaly ass hole..He started beatting my mom , slinging her throw the walls. nailing the door to with railroad nail so she could not get out.. He got onto drugs really bad.. Made her do as well the drugs.. then as i got 2 years old he started beatting me sexually abuseing me, pouring beer all over me for no reasoning.. even took me to a crack house and made me watch him have sexually contack with the woman that sold the drugs...then my brother told my mom 4 years later that if she loved us she would devorces him and get us out... Well my real father told me if i told what he did to me he would kill me.. i was terrified.. well i told anyways !! well he got put in jail for 90 days for what he did to me.. then when he got out he came to the school and connered me in the hall way.. told me i was going to be sorry.. so he went back to jail... then in 1992 my mom remarried to a wonderfull man and in 1993 he adopted me as his own daughter...Well things was ok for a couple of years because i was on depression medications... Then i started having problems with depression because i blamed myself for what my real father did to me... I got put on home school at the age 13 years old..a year later i went back to public school... then one day i told this girl to back off because i cant handle stress to well. well she kept on the next thing i knew i found myself in a hospital in lock down... Because i had a mental break down at school. And the school had called my mom because i blacked tottaly out and did not know what i was doing.. i almost hurt that poor girl... Well I stayed in the hospital for a month... then i got married at 16 years old.. quit school in the 10 grade... My exhusban beat hell out of me for 3 years.. Durning that time i had a wonderfull day boy i was 18 years old . I had him June 5 2003... i had to have a emeragcy c section. i almost died and almost lost him because of my exhusban... At the age 19 years old i went through a devorces.. THATS NO FUN !!!! LOTS OF MONEY !!!!! well the judge gave me coustody of my son... TWO months later i started slowly getting on druggs,... because i did not know what i as doing... I went from doing lortabs to doing over the conner speed pills and drinks...then i start crushing and snortting oxgycotton 10mg,to 20mg to 40mg to 60mg to 80 mg.. I was also crushing xanaxas, .. then started smoking weed. then smoking crack once a blue moon. to snorting cocaine. then the guy i met back Dec. 2004 got put on jail. he got out .. then in April 2005 i started smoking Mythe and Ice.... that was no funn just keeps you up for days.. then i went full blowen i was smoking 3 eight balls of crack a day... NO I DID NOT SALE MY BODY for druggs .. i did not get that low.....Then Oct.2005 i started living in my car in the woods .. and i did not see my son for 2 1/2 months.. i cried everyday because i want to quit doing druggs but i couldnt because it had a harrible hold onme that i could not let go.. THE DEVIL HAD A STRONG hold on me.... Well durning the time i was goen .. I had a gun put to my head.. i was found laid out in the middle of the road.. i was found passed out in a golf course.... i stayed cold all the time from sleeping in the cold wealther in my car.. i did not eat nothing for 2 1/2 months... finially the guy i was with got put in Jail dec 7 2005.. well i did not know my momknew every move i had made for the whole 2 1/2 months i was goen... Well the next day Dec 8 2005 my mom contacted me and said she knew my boyfriend was in jail and asked me if i wanted to see my son.. i told her yes.. well 5 mins before she pulled up to where i was i had hit the crack stim not know it was my last... my mom said i tryed killing myself that nite. i weighed less than a 100lbs when i came home... when she got me home and i could not walk because i was so tired from not sleeping in weeks , i was shaking , i was cring.... she got me in the shower.. we went through my things and found a crackstim with a 100.00 worth of crack and 21 norcodics on me.. she said when i found out she had it i try fighting her , i cussed her.. but it got to where i was to weak and i past out .. YOU know DETOX is a MOFO.. i did not go to rehab.. i did it alone at home with my moms and GODs help.. I dont remember CHRISTMAS day with my son.. 2 weeks later i had to be rushed to the hospital for emeracgy surgery.. i almost died...My doctor asked me if you was still on druggs and need to get to the hospital for surgery what would you have doen ? i told him i probley would have stayed and smoked the druggs..But thank GOD for my mom and she got me home just in time... That Surgery was Jan 4 2006.. then i had cancer surgery... GOD healed me from that.. after my surgery .. The doctor said i have Rumatory athrices and ill be cripple in a couple of years.. but i know GOD will heal me and will not allow that to happen...Now May 6 or 7 2006 i was in a really bad car wreck.. every one knows about that.. and if you dont read on some of my other bloggs.. Now i have been drug free for 5 months now ... And God has sent a very special person in my life i hope some day ill be able to spend the rest of my life with....I am praying that my story will help someone or touch some life.. and if this touches you please let me know.. I am closer to God now than i ever was before.. I BELIEVE THAT GOD CAN HEAL.. IF YOU BELIEVE AND PRAY HE CAN DO ANYTHING.... MAY GOD BLESS YOU ALL A couple months later i got my son back in custody.. My mom and step dad is going through a divorce and my health has gotton worse.. I have Precancer again .. and i have RA and Fibro,.. and it is chronic pain.. and i have 2 blodging disc in my back and i have a lot of damage nerves in my body.. so that is a little about me and i am only 22 years old.. and i got remarried November 16 2006 .... thank you ciao ciao